I wrote the following in response to a forum thread on http://cuckoldmarriage.info. The thread was critical of humiliation as an aspect of cuckolding. The points presented below have been shared in other articles on the site, but this essay is, I believe, my first success at tying them together into one cogent thought. Perhaps it only makes sense to me, but that’s for you to decide.
Humiliation is part of cuckolding because it is a form of power exchange. In our culture it’s a submissive act to allow someone to humble you – especially for a male. I say humble because humiliation has this connotation of extreme acts when it’s simply a matter of deferring to another and nothing more.
- When one person does or says something which could result in the other being humbled, they are attempting to assert dominance over that person.
- When the other accepts that humbling, they are expressing submission – when they don’t conflict happens.
- The more humbling an experience, the more the roles of dominant and submissive are expressed.
- It’s not hurtful to humble someone when they are expecting it as an expression of asserting dominance on your behalf and an expression of submission on theirs.
There are really only two ways to (knowingly) share a wife as a husband: from a position of authority or from a position of non-authority. Couples not overtly one or the other are leaving a natural part of their relationship on the table, unexplored. Without someone in ‘control’ there will be chaos (or at least a lot of room for uncertainty). For some couples, one partner is clearly the dominant partner. In others, the couple has a very peered relationship, but each spouse has areas of the relationship/family that are mutually agreed ‘belong’ to them like finances or home repairs. Sex can be on of these areas where one spouse is seen as a leader and expected to bear more of the responsibility of sexual experiences and decisions. When a couple recognizes this for what it really is, they can assume roles open to much deeper exploration.
I’m bringing all this dominance/submission stuff up because whether people realize it or not, D/s is a part of our lives every day and always has been. When you were in school and you sized someone up and decided whether they were someone you might a) pick on b) be friends with or c) steer clear of, you were exercising an instinctive behavior of social ranking. Imagine a line. At one end we have submissive – at the other, dominant. We are all on that line somewhere, but where we are can shift depending on how we perceive (the social ranking of) those we interact with. We defer to those we recognize as ranking higher than ourselves and we assert ourselves with those we perceive as lower ranking socially. This behavior is who we are at an instinctive level. As we mature, we are told to repress this behavior in favor of what our society tells us is acceptable social behavior. This process of socially ranking each other continues to happen subconsciously at least for all of us. Those of us aware of this dynamic have more to work with.
The majority of us are more submissive than not. I say that because most people would rather follow than lead. The problem with this for males is it flies in the face of societal expectation. For women, it leaves them vulnerable to being taken advantage of and isn’t politically correct. This leads many who are natural submissives to live behind a facade of assertiveness. Some husbands will fight the idea they are anything less than the ‘alpha male’ simply because they can’t handle the conflict internally of not being the ‘alpha male’. This results in things like husbands who claim they are ‘dom cuckolds’ who want the experience of sharing their wives from a position of non-authority, but want to avoid anything that might challenge their ego as an alpha male. A truly alpha male would lead the sharing of his wife, establish the rules, make the introductions and be in charge of what does and doesn’t happen. A husband who puts all this responsibility on his wife (or just quietly gets out of the way) is a cuckold whether he admits it or not; he’s chosen to give up being responsible and a dominant is always the one most responsible.
The reason so many males are afraid to handle that ego conflict is the social stigma that a non-alpha male, or a beta, is somehow of less value than an alpha. This is simply and obviously not true.
- A husband who can come to terms with his true self and enable his wife to enjoy an alpha male in her life is the bigger man.
- There are far more betas than alphas. In fact, there are no alphas born – alphas are promoted to that ‘rank’ by being recognized by their peers as such.
- When a wife invites another man into her bed and inside her, she is, in a real sense, recognizing him as an alpha, if only temporarily.
When we overtly recognize these mechanisms we can leverage them and make them part of our conscious decisions, discussions and play. When we choose to ignore them, we turn a blind eye on the opportunity to know each other and ourselves more intimately and honestly.