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As Voyeurcuck said, talk to your wife. You may not share with us why you want to go vanilla but you will need to share with her. Communication is key to any relationship.
A lot also depends on why she is seeing her lover. If she got into this and is seeing him because you wanted her to then her heart might not be really in it. Once a month is not very often for sex or building a relationship unless they are online all the time and have to travel to see each other. Still, I would it would be easy for her to break off if it is just sex.
On the other hand, if they/you are into a D/s relationship and he is dominating her (you said “not so dominate Hotwife”) she may find it very difficult to give him up. It is not just about sex, it has to do with mental mindset, feeling safe, and a chemical rush that going into subspace creates. I think you understand that if you are a sub. She may be able to give up the big dick but not the feeling of being desired by a strong man and satisfaction of service. You might ask her if she would serve a Dom who does not want sex – there are some but might be hard to find. I know one “Service Dom – he will do to you exactly what you want done.” but most want more than a cuddle for thier own satisfaction.
As far as sex, what does she like. If she really likes penetration you could use a strapon or dildo. If you don’t like something going into her – tough – it’s her body, her call. But if she likes it then you should accept it. Helping her in that respect would help the relationship.
I will add a caveat. If she really likes getting laid by another man she might stop the current one for you, but eventually she will fall off the bandwagon and have an affair. Be ready to accept it or deal with it.