Reply To: Struggle to find someone longterm

Dirk & Roller Girl: It is VERY difficult to find the right guy for an LT in this lifestyle. My wife also prefers a LT relationship with a guy, but the difficulty of finding the right guy has always meant that she also had many shorter term relationships with many men. While she likes the short term men just for the sex, she’s always preferred to have at least one guy who is an LT and with whom she can form a real friendship. So the typical pattern was that she’d be seeing two or three men on a regular basis, but either they would end up fading away or she would realize that they weren’t LT material and start to loose interest.

But: the good news is that periodically she would find someone who enjoyed an LT situation with her. In fact, she is currently seeing 2 men who are LT’s with her. One has been her boyfriend going on 7 years now; the other has been seeing her for about 4 years. Admittedly, the 7 year guy is unusual…she’s never had an LT that lasted that long.

You mentioned that your current bf is a swinger; I’m also going to suggest that his being in the swinging lifestyle will likely preclude him from wanting an LT with you. His thing is likely constant variety of partners, and the swinging mentality generally avoids LT situations because then things become “more than just sex” and swinging is generally JUST about sex.

I’m further going to suggest something that many people would not approve of and you may not want to do: Find a married man for an LT.

I suggest that because it has worked for us on many levels. First of all, most of the short term men my wife has seen were married. This is a deliberate choice on our part, for the following reasons: Single guys have proved to be flighty and unreliable…they’ve almost always got lots going on in their life and don’t think much of breaking a date, or just disappearing over the hill. Also, if single guys do become involved in an LT, they often end up wanting more than our lifestyle offers them.

Married men, on the other hand, are generally (not always, of course) committed to not breaking up their primary relationship. They need something outside of it, though, and that often makes them ideal as LT partners, because once they find a situation they enjoy, and realize there’s no threat to their primary relationship from us, they will be happy to enjoy a comfortable LT situation.

Both of my wife’s current LT partners are married. Both know that I’m a cuckold and both are happy to enjoy seeing my wife, knowing that there is no threat from me and that I enjoy them seeing her. My wife has traveled with, and spend nights with, the 7 year guy. In fact, he’s become a friend to both of us, sees her both on his own and with me there. The “new” guy is not interested in my being around when he’s with my wife. I have never met him and never will…he knows I know, and he’s comfortable with that, but not interested in anything else.

A final point about seeing married men: One thing my wife (and I, if I’m involved) always make clear from the beginning is OUR limits to their relationship with my wife. We make it clear that our marriage comes first and that there will never be anything beyond friendship and lots of great sex for the LT man. He has to understand that the instant he starts pushing for anything more, or shows any sign of wanting more, we will terminate the relationship no matter how great the sex happens to be.

I’ll admit, it’s a difficult line to walk. But I do want you to know that (married or not), you can find the right guy for an LT. Just remember that what your proposing is so far beyond the social norm for men (even those who think nothing of regularly “cheating” on their partners) that your likely candidates will be few and far between. Keep trying, you’ll find the guy