Reply To: Close friend and my Hotwife

How I feel four days after his visit…….

I have, and hold this deep and profound sense of loss! It is like I have recently heard the news of the passing of a loved one. I cannot seem to move it, relieve its painfulness, shift its pressure on my heart, all simply because I do not understand it and therefore recognise its importance.

A few hours ago, my wife complemented me on being so strong and centred, having shown her unconditional love by way of my support and encouragement of her true expression. She is on a journey, a journey involving another man, one of exploration, learning, kindness, gentleness and warmth, full of healthy vibrant sexuality and all the things that form her as a person, that make her immediately identifiable to me as my loving beautiful wife!

I felt that strength as we discussed her journey, her needs, her expectations and hopes at length throughout the evening, especially right at the very moment she awarded me such a meaningful heartfelt complement. But over the past few hours as she lays asleep alone above me in our marital bed, my confidence appears to have waivered, leaving me to ponder with increasing feelings of urgency as I slowly drown in its painful panicking replacement, no longer able to lay still awaiting the sleep demons to come and take me. That confidence and strength seems to have faded and drained away into something far less comfortable, less secure, less content. Are these replacement feelings somehow less proud worthy, less noble, darker? They are certainly hurtful, mixed with a strong hint of selfishness, and concern at that selfishness? I must investigate and see what it is that conflicts me before I drive myself insane.

And so I find myself sat typing out this very note to myself and anyone who wishes to read it. This key board has become my doctors table, my autopsy bench as I exam how I feel, as I dissect these feelings, investigating their circumstances, reasoning’s, implications, and the very core of our cuckold marriage and her parallel love affair.

I truly want her to experience love again, to embrace it, hold it, nurture it. Does that hurt me? Yes, deeply, yet the very conflict is that it pleases me with its pain. Is this the feeling that has replaced confidence and calm?

And then it occurs to me that it is not the fact of her loving another, but the fact that our love, the youthful love at the beginning of our relationship, the one that has slipped away to be replaced by something more permeant but not quite as vibrant in its aging security.

The touch of a lover becomes familiar over time however reassuring and it can never compete with the touch of something new, a new love and need, untested feelings and desires. It is this realisation of the loss of our youthful love that penetrates my heart and threatens to swamp it with pain. How can our old existing love possibly compete with the excitement and desire of a new vibrant love……..?

Yet I should be happy, if I had the opportunity to feel that youthful vibrant love with her again I would grasp it in both hands, wrap my legs around it and drag it screaming to the ground to be enjoyed with its accompanying laughter and tears. Therefore, who am I to stop her experiencing that love sensation, those joys and those experiences again. Is it not my responsibility to allow her these feelings and experiences, and should I not encourage them for her benefit alone. Just because it is not with me does not mean that it is not as vibrant, enjoyable and valuable or genuine and therefore meaningful as ours once was. It is even possible I experience through my imagination loving her anew again, through his love and desire for her.

The conflict is that I want and need the pain it provides; therefore, I feel guilty at my sexual and emotional desire and desire in providing it, suggesting my support and encouragement is disingenuous because it is influenced by my sexuality!

But my spirit also says she needs to experience this to allow her to feel vibrant and confident, to demonstrate to herself that she is desired and wanted and hence loved. Just because she is truly beautiful does not mean she does not come with her own set of insecurities over her desirability, meaning she has self-doubt and hence has an inability to see the beauty in the character and the physicality that I see. The only way she can see what I see is through the eyes of another’s desire for her and her inner most personable attributes, outward sexual spells and influence. I recognise this and therefore give it without the need for sexual gratification. So it must therefore be genuine.

I cannot hide that all of this is strongly connected to my cuckold needs. Over time so may revelations have come forward, the excitement and anticipation of the pain of her sexual liaisons, the deep hurt of her feelings for another, all providing me sexual gratification because my black wires are incorrectly attached to my green and blues, resulting in enjoyable angst rather than just jealousy and rage. An erection rather than the normal adrenalin to allow flight or fight. Pleasure mixed with terrible pain rather than simple down right horror of it all. When the body and mind react in such abnormal ways, you embrace the pain, embrace the article that provides it, encourage it, want it, and feed off of it. Yet the side that remains cognisant of normality tells you that you should not risk the loss of the very thing you adore to achieve self-pleasure through self hurt. Yet you cannot stop yourself!

But I hope that she knows that the more she hurts me the more she will see that I am here to stay, here for her and I am strong and uncrushable in the belief of our love and marriage. I trust this will be something she desires and wants, something a new love cannot provide because of its new inception.

When I reflect and see how just hours before I was strong in my support, without the need of a physical erection, looking at the thing you love, giving it up for the betterment of the individual you adore, then you know you are also capable of selflessness, strong self-belief and self-empowered in your accompaniment to this alternative act and relation.

When you exam yourself as a cuckold of a wife that deserves love from another, that deserves adoration, that deserves to feel and experience desire and love from another, you also realise how enlightening and spiritual it can be for you. In just a few days I have come to realise how I have let her and myself down through my weight gain, my poor sexual performance, my lack of attention to myself. The journey has provided me with self-empowerment to make changes, to strive for a better me physically and emotionally. It therefore provides purpose to protect and strengthen the core of our existing love. This has to be nothing but self-betterment and recompense at my guilt for letting go and allowing the youthful love to become old, however genuine, solid and long lasting that love is.

So I sacrifice my feelings for two things, the first selflessly to Her as a woman and secondly and selfishly as a cuck.

I would not change my gift to her because of my genuine deep love for her.

I would not change my gift to her because I recognise and embrace my own sexual wiring.

She is not the only one on a journey, hers is of itself about her and her fulfilment. Mine is of and about me as a person and my ability to love myself and love her.

To retain that feeling of confidence and centre and to expel the feeling of loss I must believe in her, believe in me, have true belief in our love, belief that our primary relationship is the real relation of consequence. I must also have belief that I can do more to make the old love sparkle and be as equally alluring in its own way compared to the new one she is about to journey on. If I can maintain that belief then she will complete her journey (even though she likely to take others until we have both achieved their use) and I shall grow in confidence, embrace the painful love she provides and stay home nursing my erection, protecting our old love and making it the pinnacle of our personal achievements together. I have become the home carer of our relationship, the rock and the centre of our marriage, and no longer the rotating star. We have in effect reversed roles and I embrace the change. She has become the angel that explores the heights whilst I wait to catch her and keep her safe should she fall.