Re: Denial

I thought I should follow-up and share that during some private passionate moments that I opened up to my wife and told her of my desires.

She’s not totally literate on the terminologies expressed here – alpha/beta-male, etc., so instead I merely expressed myself as I said here – that I would very much like her to take greater control of our sexuality together and that I would like to experience her – making it as real as she can – that she desires / prefers / wants her lover instead of me. In different words I admitted to her that I would like to know that her sexual desires are being filled by another man. I told her that I enjoy knowing that she is sharing her most intimate of moments and experiences with her lover and not necessarily me.

I do feel that my newfound knowledge and awareness of myself has helped me understand the motivations behind many of the things I had previously encouraged her to do.
I know I felt conflicted and confused at times – but beneath it all I wanted it to happen – especially for 2 of the most significant things we’ve done/shared.

The first was some 4 years ago now. Sue had become involved with her 2nd lover and once it became obvious that this wasn’t a fleeting-desire for her, that she would always want a lover – that she felt it was time/justification to move away from a diaphragm for birth-control. She was still having her monthly cycle back then so some sort of alternate b/c was needed. Despite her doctor’s suggestion of a vasectomy for me (something I’d rejected several years earlier and now had the last laugh on), she eventually changed to use an IUD. I recall that her doctor said we should use alternate b/c for a few days until she was certain it wouldn’t be rejected by her body – and the only choice was condoms. I look back and can see foreshadowing of what was to come with my surprised enjoyment using them with her. Her gyn doc suggested 4-5 days of condom use. When that 5th night came around it surprised her that I chose to use a condom with her – knowing that she was enforcing her 48-hour rule. She asked me if I knew what was going to happen and I nodded that I did. Looking back she went along with it without a question – and it resulted in her lover being the first to “try out her IUD” – and it turned me on at the time to no end to know that he was the first to cum in her without a diaphragm or contraceptive jelly being used. My cock throbbed at the knowledge that I’d wanted him to be the first. And yet, at the time, I couldn’t verbalize what I was feeling.

The second time occurred not much more than a year ago. In the short 3+ year time since her IUD was inserted, her doc’s confirmed that she’d pretty much been through menopause (and even retrospectively admitted that the IUD was largely unneeded) as all of her hormone levels including FSH were markedly low to where it would have been a medical miracle for her to become pregnant. As such, the doc removed her IUD. She was quite sore afterwards – she said removal was more painful than putting it in. The doc again suggested a few days for her cervix to calm down. And so again – when the 4-5 days were over and she could safely resume intercourse – this time I openly told her that it would turn me on if she would give that opportunity to her lover – for him to be the first to cum in her truly unprotected since I’d gotten her pregnant almost 2 decades ago. I masturbated and came intensely at what I’d put into motion and when she came home afterwards with his semen still in her – I was elated beyond words and incredibly turned on.

When she seized on this new fetish, as I’ll call it, of just having her lover cum in her bare – it brought back such intense memories of these 2 events (and others) that I now see clearly foreshadowed the changes that we are now exploring with me using condoms with her. For me – every time I don a condom to have sex with her – it continually gives me the deep-seated desire and satisfaction I felt in the past at her lover experiencing things with her that I do not. And for me, understanding it all a little more has truly let me enjoy it with her. My openness with her is being reciprocated and she is slowly feeling out how to best tease and arouse me – as she’s said more than once that my enjoyment of all of this is a key part of what she also enjoys.