Re: wife likes the fantasy, but nothing more, how to proceed

Dear Michel,
These are only extra ideas.

First, when your wife says that she has enjoyed better and varied sex in the past, but copes now with something less, it sounds as though she sees the current situation as a retreat from what is possible. But it is clear too that she hasn’t forgotten the excitement of more sustained sex and uses fantasies and oral now to revisit that. Its good that she is taking the lead on oral and orgasms hard that way. An essential feature of hotwifehood is hedonism, the expectation that her pleasures come first. It seems a good idea to me to continue working on that, and to reinforce the ideas that she has every right to expect that and more. ‘Your pussy is so superior, it compels me to lick. Mistress pussy deserves the best….’ (cue invitation for her to fantasize about what that may be).

If it is right that she sees the current situation as a retreat from the mating game, the rut out there, its then worth pondering on what the retreat represents to her? I believe that for many women it is a retreat from uncertainty and possible hurt. Whilst the mating game is exciting, it is also potentially stressful and hurtful. It takes effort on the lady’s part too. Ladies have egos and they put their reputation on the line every time they test out their sex appeal. Its more complex for them than men. They want to explore their instincts but not to seem unduly ‘easy’. They want to be expansive and wanton, but to secure a safe place too with a long term mate. So now, the invitation to return to the mating game raises questions about what the return is to? Do you really mean that you want me to enjoy myself with another man-to do that beyond solving your ejaculation problem? Is it really true that you are promising to support me and to facilitate my preferred lifestyle? She may never have previously known such a generous man. She may have learned that men are competitive and not co operative, that they secure their needs first. What would be our working rules, those that protect us? Would you always expect to watch-do you accept that I would date my ‘other guy’? Why is that sexy for you…as well as me?

It can be worth talking about the phases of love within a marriage. In the early days there is the chase-intense arousal linked to romantic situations. Longer term, love needs to work at a pragmatic level, the highs of the early days cannot be sustained over decades. So then, cuckold lifestyle can be one solution to re injecting the lifestyle with some highs. It offers the exploration of new roles, those that allow a wife the excitement of the chase, the rut, and puts the husband on emotional edge. He cannot be 100% sure of his wife any more, and she is exciting precisely because of that. He needs to feel uncertain, sometimes to be humiliated. She needs to feel she has choices and that her husband regularly realises that. Complacency and boredom kills relationships, so exploring the cuckold lifestyle is not necessarily about voyeurism, a male masochism, it can too be about nurturing the relationship as well.