what to do? discovered husband’s interest in cuckolding

Are you interested in helping your husband fulfill his dreams? Or does the idea of that not settle with you? My bf told me about his fantasies and bc I am quite capable of separating sex from love I was all over it. It’s brought me and my bf closer emotionally and done WONDERS for our sex lives. Your husbands fantasies are normal, I suggest talking with him and see what you might be willing to explore with him.

Hi Junebug
11 years ago I was contacted by a man who was having medical problems. Those problems left him impotent and was looking for someone to satisfy his wife. I was somewhat skeptical but offered to meet him and his wife, his wife unaware of his desires. She was an attractive woman and very well educated. We met several times and soon she understood that I was to be her new “lover”. She was not very happy with the idea at first, but he pursed her and finally she gave in, but for “one time only”. We had a sexual encounter and she was non-committal. However, she did come around and we started to have sex on a regular basis. Our encounters lasted over a year which during that time she became very much involved, actually looking forward to our coupling. We had great sex!
After he passed on she moved away and that ended our relationship.
I cannot say that you would have such a relationship. I believe that in my case the timing was right and providence matched us perfectly.
Ralph

Well, I would probably suggest you ask your husband why the change of heart with his contradictory thoughts. Usually men find it emasculating to not be able to please their wives, for some cucks, I imagine being able to provide a bull for the wife is one way he can please her and if you go to youtube and watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwXtkmMARM8 it does show that many cuckolded men do love to see their women happy. For my bf its been a fantasy for a very long time and he was ridiculed for it by his exwife. I embraced his fantasies and though they were shocking at first, I had no issues talking with him about them and exploring them for him. The psychology behind cuckoldry is quite in depth and is different for everyone. My bf likes the humiliation aspect, he likes being dominated and he likes the mental challenge of the angst. We are still pretty new to it, we’ve only dabbled in BDSM for a little over a year and just entered the cuckoldry into the relationship a little over a month ago, but things have never been better. He seems to really appreciate that I didnt ridicule him or condone him for his desires, and I appreciate that he loved and trusted me enough to share his darkest secrets with me. Its not always easy to share things with people when you dont know how they’ll react. I suggest talking with him, a lot, several times and try to figure out where the motivation is coming from, what his intentions are (if its to stay fantasy or if he needs that as a reality for him to be satisfied) and what he expects of you. Keep us posted! Good luck!

LOL i have to agree there, Im not racist at all either but I am very picky with my likes and dislikes… that just does not appeal to me. Well do keep us posted and let us know how you’re doing. I am curious as well as to how your husband had such a sudden change of heart with things and what his motivation is behind it. Its a lot to take in though, I do understand that. I felt the same way. I am a very jealous person and if any other woman touched my boyfriend I’d scratch her eyes out, so I couldnt wrap my brain around the fantasies he had until I really did a LOT of research, and I mean a LOT. Good luck with it all though, its really not uncommon and he’s not a freak or anything but do try to keep your mind and your heart open.

Dear Junebug,

It is so important to have this conversation on the forum precisely because it asks the difficult questions. A man who confides that he would like his wife to cuckold him is certainly highly unusual, largely because we have all been socialised in heterosexual circles to assume that the male is highly competitive as regards female favours. The premise is that his instincts are to ensure that all of her attention remains his and his alone. Equally, it is premised that the female will find Mr Right and lavish all of her sexual interests on him. There is a proclaimed close association between love and sex and when love loses some of its lustre (as it can do) then loyalty remains the overriding watch word. To transgress these premises is to risk censure and criticism, at least in some quarters of society. I can certainly see that requested cuckolding in a male who is otherwise very exclusive about his wife is very confusing. The question then arises, is this an interest in voyeurism, rather than a honest interest in the cuckold lifestyle? If so, then that seems very selfish. The act that a wife performs is not for her pleasure, nor yet for the mutual pleasure of man and wife, but to meet the husband’s fantasy needs. It is critical to establish whether an man si simply voyeuristic and to decide how you feel about that.

If we accept for a moment that the husband’s interest is not simply voyeuristic, then there is another question to ask before you go much further. It is this-do I want to, can I, cope with understanding what might be revealed? This is fundamental. No matter what he feels, what he believes himself to be, what he thinks he needs or might wish to give or share, all of that means nothing, unless you feel comfortable talking about this. You see if you think that this interest is abnormal, that he has in some sense revealed an aberration in his makeup, then what really counts is whether you are able to reconsider your ‘normal’. If you cannot, then you face real difficulties in your relationship, his revelation triggers a crisis. Several possibilities could result though if you are willing to re examine normal. You might live on with your man appreciating that he is deeper, more complex, different to what you felt you knew (expanded understanding of normal). He might be more interesting, even if you have no wish to act in a new way and chose not to explore this lifestyle (this is loving tolerance). You might have to confront an impasse, that you cannot tolerate him as revealed-and you draw away. Much as you might wish he never said these things, they have been said, so it seems best to learn if you can. I assume that you have invested a lot in one another already. Rest assured, a true cuckold never coerces, he offers and hopes (often fervently). You might, exceptionally, perhaps even more unusually, wish to explore the lifestyle, arguing that it represents a sort of growth, an increased trust and a maturation of your relationship. But never do that unless it chimes with your understanding of who you are, what you need. You would fail him if you acted simply to please him.

Once you are over the above matters, then the why question can be broached to clearer purpose. ‘Why do you feel this way’, seems better than ‘why are you like this?’ He may well struggle to explain. It can I believe be a little like asking a gay man why he is gay? You can fall into the trap of interrogating about a shortfall, a failure, a fall from grace. If he is sincere and serious in this matter, then it isn’t like that at all-rather it is a confrontation with his nature. Its not easy to explain what is erotic. But elsewhere in this extensive blog there are some working ideas about such matters (e.g. the biology of cuckolding). It is argued that some males are instinctively submissive and that they need to defer to other males, they need to treat a woman as alpha too. Its of little comfort if you see yourself in a quite different way. To be gifted the freedom is not a gift at all, if you have no wish to share sex with another man (black or white). It only works, it only makes sense, when the cuckold urge matches the cuckoldress urge, the male urge to submit matches the female urge to control.

Statistically (I think) most male cuckold drives get nowhere. Relatively few wives are interested in acting on this (socialization is a powerful thing). The male battens down this interest, perhaps his nature and copes as best he can. He still loves his wife and his fantasies operate privately in his head. He can’t stop being who he is, but he hides it from her, out of love. Even if you were interested in exploring further, finding a suitable partner might take a very long time (I wouldn’t recommend promiscuity). None of this is easy, none of it should be acted on blithely. My instinct, my sexuality, is traditional male masculine and competitive. I am a ‘bull’ (ineloquent though that word seems). But its not a simple thing, all take and pleasure. It is for me about exploring with the couple their relationship. Its a serial monogamy thing, being with each couple in turn and over extended periods of time. I love assertive, confident, dominant women who will control a husband as part of our relationship. You see, the world is full of sexual permutations and many of them are considerate. Its about understanding your nature, and seeing whether you can work with those together.

Not the best post I know, but if it has helped in some modest way, then great!
Jezz

Hi Junebug,

Your statement above “I KNOW I have no interest in having sex outside of my marriage” fits quite well in the following blog, http://lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com/ and don’t be distracted by it’s name, because it is a lot more than small penises that is discussed there. The authors of the blog are small endowed man with cuckold feelings and his wife who has got no intention to have any sex outside her marriage. In their blog they describe, how they incorporated the male’s cuck feelings into a powerfull mix of fantasy play and openness about sexual feelings. Also the reader comments are very insightful and there are a lot of female comments which is not often seen on this subject.

Some specific articles that might be of interest for you are:
http://lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com/2013/09/13/why-i-love-fantasy-cuckolding-my-husband/
http://lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com/?s=A+Woman%E2%80%99s+Guide+to+Creating+a+Cuckolding+Fantasy+World
http://lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com/?s=The+Competition+Advantage

It’s worth seeing the next conversations with your husband a series of narratives. Narratives are stories/accounts that we run in our heads regarding who we are, what is meaningful, right, worthwhile, valuable, right. You’ve been kind enough to share here (how brave, given so many other respondents think differently to you) some of your opening narratives. My husband has been corrupted by porn is one, my husband has revealed a weakness, to do with his compulsive nature is another. Another implicit narrative, one relating to you, is I know who I am and I am consistent in my perspectives (your points about a much discussed marriage and what it stands for). What really follows next is an exploration of the narratives that have been running in your and his head. The fact that he has spoken out of the blue does not mean that he has not thought about this for a long time. Some narratives remain hidden for a good while, out of concern for another, perhaps shame because they are not a societal norm. So now a good stance might be that you will allow space for each to rehearse narratives, without premature decision that the surprising ones are dismissed out of hand. The exploration also proceeds on the basis that no one is required to change-that this is about understanding only.

Its compassionate to try to understand a partner-especially when change is abrupt and surprising. Imagine if your partner was suddenly disabled in a road traffic accident. It is an abrupt change and it requires a re evaluation of the person, what they need, who they are, what remains decent and valuable within them. But I suspect that you premise then that because they seem less in some regards (their abilities) that you will still find within them something that is valuable. That which you give them, despite change and difficulties, makes them valuable-this is as near as I can get to an explanation of love. If he is different, if this is not simply an interest, a passing obsession, a fashion, then you will need to accommodate the realisation of this, even if you never behave differently as regards sex. You can still love someone even though they don’t think as you. Marriages between those right and left of centre in politics, those who are highly competitive/elitest and those who are more easy going/less competitive have all worked. This is because in marriage he doesn’t make you into something and you don’t make him into something. Whatever you asserted about marriage at the start, you admit, ‘and you are human, I value that.’ You begin your journey-you cannot assure the destination.

I hope that this helps you too then. To represent to him honestly all that you are and wish to be, without demanding that he is something that he cannot easily be.

Jezz