Re: what to do? discovered husband’s interest in cuckolding

Dear Junebug,

It is so important to have this conversation on the forum precisely because it asks the difficult questions. A man who confides that he would like his wife to cuckold him is certainly highly unusual, largely because we have all been socialised in heterosexual circles to assume that the male is highly competitive as regards female favours. The premise is that his instincts are to ensure that all of her attention remains his and his alone. Equally, it is premised that the female will find Mr Right and lavish all of her sexual interests on him. There is a proclaimed close association between love and sex and when love loses some of its lustre (as it can do) then loyalty remains the overriding watch word. To transgress these premises is to risk censure and criticism, at least in some quarters of society. I can certainly see that requested cuckolding in a male who is otherwise very exclusive about his wife is very confusing. The question then arises, is this an interest in voyeurism, rather than a honest interest in the cuckold lifestyle? If so, then that seems very selfish. The act that a wife performs is not for her pleasure, nor yet for the mutual pleasure of man and wife, but to meet the husband’s fantasy needs. It is critical to establish whether an man si simply voyeuristic and to decide how you feel about that.

If we accept for a moment that the husband’s interest is not simply voyeuristic, then there is another question to ask before you go much further. It is this-do I want to, can I, cope with understanding what might be revealed? This is fundamental. No matter what he feels, what he believes himself to be, what he thinks he needs or might wish to give or share, all of that means nothing, unless you feel comfortable talking about this. You see if you think that this interest is abnormal, that he has in some sense revealed an aberration in his makeup, then what really counts is whether you are able to reconsider your ‘normal’. If you cannot, then you face real difficulties in your relationship, his revelation triggers a crisis. Several possibilities could result though if you are willing to re examine normal. You might live on with your man appreciating that he is deeper, more complex, different to what you felt you knew (expanded understanding of normal). He might be more interesting, even if you have no wish to act in a new way and chose not to explore this lifestyle (this is loving tolerance). You might have to confront an impasse, that you cannot tolerate him as revealed-and you draw away. Much as you might wish he never said these things, they have been said, so it seems best to learn if you can. I assume that you have invested a lot in one another already. Rest assured, a true cuckold never coerces, he offers and hopes (often fervently). You might, exceptionally, perhaps even more unusually, wish to explore the lifestyle, arguing that it represents a sort of growth, an increased trust and a maturation of your relationship. But never do that unless it chimes with your understanding of who you are, what you need. You would fail him if you acted simply to please him.

Once you are over the above matters, then the why question can be broached to clearer purpose. ‘Why do you feel this way’, seems better than ‘why are you like this?’ He may well struggle to explain. It can I believe be a little like asking a gay man why he is gay? You can fall into the trap of interrogating about a shortfall, a failure, a fall from grace. If he is sincere and serious in this matter, then it isn’t like that at all-rather it is a confrontation with his nature. Its not easy to explain what is erotic. But elsewhere in this extensive blog there are some working ideas about such matters (e.g. the biology of cuckolding). It is argued that some males are instinctively submissive and that they need to defer to other males, they need to treat a woman as alpha too. Its of little comfort if you see yourself in a quite different way. To be gifted the freedom is not a gift at all, if you have no wish to share sex with another man (black or white). It only works, it only makes sense, when the cuckold urge matches the cuckoldress urge, the male urge to submit matches the female urge to control.

Statistically (I think) most male cuckold drives get nowhere. Relatively few wives are interested in acting on this (socialization is a powerful thing). The male battens down this interest, perhaps his nature and copes as best he can. He still loves his wife and his fantasies operate privately in his head. He can’t stop being who he is, but he hides it from her, out of love. Even if you were interested in exploring further, finding a suitable partner might take a very long time (I wouldn’t recommend promiscuity). None of this is easy, none of it should be acted on blithely. My instinct, my sexuality, is traditional male masculine and competitive. I am a ‘bull’ (ineloquent though that word seems). But its not a simple thing, all take and pleasure. It is for me about exploring with the couple their relationship. Its a serial monogamy thing, being with each couple in turn and over extended periods of time. I love assertive, confident, dominant women who will control a husband as part of our relationship. You see, the world is full of sexual permutations and many of them are considerate. Its about understanding your nature, and seeing whether you can work with those together.

Not the best post I know, but if it has helped in some modest way, then great!
Jezz