Re: what to do? discovered husband’s interest in cuckolding

It’s worth seeing the next conversations with your husband a series of narratives. Narratives are stories/accounts that we run in our heads regarding who we are, what is meaningful, right, worthwhile, valuable, right. You’ve been kind enough to share here (how brave, given so many other respondents think differently to you) some of your opening narratives. My husband has been corrupted by porn is one, my husband has revealed a weakness, to do with his compulsive nature is another. Another implicit narrative, one relating to you, is I know who I am and I am consistent in my perspectives (your points about a much discussed marriage and what it stands for). What really follows next is an exploration of the narratives that have been running in your and his head. The fact that he has spoken out of the blue does not mean that he has not thought about this for a long time. Some narratives remain hidden for a good while, out of concern for another, perhaps shame because they are not a societal norm. So now a good stance might be that you will allow space for each to rehearse narratives, without premature decision that the surprising ones are dismissed out of hand. The exploration also proceeds on the basis that no one is required to change-that this is about understanding only.

Its compassionate to try to understand a partner-especially when change is abrupt and surprising. Imagine if your partner was suddenly disabled in a road traffic accident. It is an abrupt change and it requires a re evaluation of the person, what they need, who they are, what remains decent and valuable within them. But I suspect that you premise then that because they seem less in some regards (their abilities) that you will still find within them something that is valuable. That which you give them, despite change and difficulties, makes them valuable-this is as near as I can get to an explanation of love. If he is different, if this is not simply an interest, a passing obsession, a fashion, then you will need to accommodate the realisation of this, even if you never behave differently as regards sex. You can still love someone even though they don’t think as you. Marriages between those right and left of centre in politics, those who are highly competitive/elitest and those who are more easy going/less competitive have all worked. This is because in marriage he doesn’t make you into something and you don’t make him into something. Whatever you asserted about marriage at the start, you admit, ‘and you are human, I value that.’ You begin your journey-you cannot assure the destination.

I hope that this helps you too then. To represent to him honestly all that you are and wish to be, without demanding that he is something that he cannot easily be.

Jezz