Struggle to find someone longterm

The swing community, when it comes to males who play alone, are very often males who will not or, more often, cannot form commitments. Up to a certain age of male, this can be expected as normal behavior, however beyond a certain age, it’s simply a manifestation of personality defect, in my opinion.

Often couples in this lifestyle, whether just starting out or with some experience under their belts (or below the belts..) tend to assume the best way to find compatibility is through interaction with men already experienced or involved in a similar or related kink. That’s often not the case.

No matter which path you take, there are challenges to overcome. If you start with someone who has some exposure to this, then you are running into his preconceived notions of what ‘this’ is and how it works and you are also likely just getting a slice of his time.

If you pursue a more (currently) vanilla guy, you have to overcome the challenge of him a) not taking flirtation seriously because you’re married or b) him having a background or perspective which inhibits him from pursuing or responding very much to someone married. These challenges are actually more easily overcome and potentially offer a guy with more interest in being part of something longer term once he gains perspective.

Each of us who has experience bedding someone else’s wife with the cuckold’s full knowledge and support got their start with that first couple who gave them the opportunity. I was squarely in group b when I got started and refused to ‘take the bait’ for quite some time because I believed the bait was only being offered because I was a gentleman and wouldn’t bite. Fortunately, the cuckolding community and lifestyle is much more ‘out there’ now and resources, like this community, can help couples (and potential bulls new to the scene) get their footing.

Stop by the chat sometime and lets talk about what you can do to find the right guy…

Dirk & Roller Girl: It is VERY difficult to find the right guy for an LT in this lifestyle. My wife also prefers a LT relationship with a guy, but the difficulty of finding the right guy has always meant that she also had many shorter term relationships with many men. While she likes the short term men just for the sex, she’s always preferred to have at least one guy who is an LT and with whom she can form a real friendship. So the typical pattern was that she’d be seeing two or three men on a regular basis, but either they would end up fading away or she would realize that they weren’t LT material and start to loose interest.

But: the good news is that periodically she would find someone who enjoyed an LT situation with her. In fact, she is currently seeing 2 men who are LT’s with her. One has been her boyfriend going on 7 years now; the other has been seeing her for about 4 years. Admittedly, the 7 year guy is unusual…she’s never had an LT that lasted that long.

You mentioned that your current bf is a swinger; I’m also going to suggest that his being in the swinging lifestyle will likely preclude him from wanting an LT with you. His thing is likely constant variety of partners, and the swinging mentality generally avoids LT situations because then things become “more than just sex” and swinging is generally JUST about sex.

I’m further going to suggest something that many people would not approve of and you may not want to do: Find a married man for an LT.

I suggest that because it has worked for us on many levels. First of all, most of the short term men my wife has seen were married. This is a deliberate choice on our part, for the following reasons: Single guys have proved to be flighty and unreliable…they’ve almost always got lots going on in their life and don’t think much of breaking a date, or just disappearing over the hill. Also, if single guys do become involved in an LT, they often end up wanting more than our lifestyle offers them.

Married men, on the other hand, are generally (not always, of course) committed to not breaking up their primary relationship. They need something outside of it, though, and that often makes them ideal as LT partners, because once they find a situation they enjoy, and realize there’s no threat to their primary relationship from us, they will be happy to enjoy a comfortable LT situation.

Both of my wife’s current LT partners are married. Both know that I’m a cuckold and both are happy to enjoy seeing my wife, knowing that there is no threat from me and that I enjoy them seeing her. My wife has traveled with, and spend nights with, the 7 year guy. In fact, he’s become a friend to both of us, sees her both on his own and with me there. The “new” guy is not interested in my being around when he’s with my wife. I have never met him and never will…he knows I know, and he’s comfortable with that, but not interested in anything else.

A final point about seeing married men: One thing my wife (and I, if I’m involved) always make clear from the beginning is OUR limits to their relationship with my wife. We make it clear that our marriage comes first and that there will never be anything beyond friendship and lots of great sex for the LT man. He has to understand that the instant he starts pushing for anything more, or shows any sign of wanting more, we will terminate the relationship no matter how great the sex happens to be.

I’ll admit, it’s a difficult line to walk. But I do want you to know that (married or not), you can find the right guy for an LT. Just remember that what your proposing is so far beyond the social norm for men (even those who think nothing of regularly “cheating” on their partners) that your likely candidates will be few and far between. Keep trying, you’ll find the guy