Re: Is there something I am not getting

Hello Nigel, Jezz, Tisha and others. What a fascinating and provocative read this has been. I’m not sure that I have taken it all in and I’m certainly not a student of psychology whether it be Freudian or Jungian. I was going to write a topic called ‘Cuckold versus polyamory versus threesomes’ as a way to explore some of my own thoughts about my lifestyle but it seems this thread is as good as any. I hope that you two gentlemen still look back at this thread and might find time to respond to the thoughts of a cuckoldress.

I was prompted to write from the discussions I had with others in the chat room. There are a lot of male experiences, some no doubt fantasies, of being a cuckold. There are some ‘bulls’ and boyfriends and some cuckoldresses. The experiences are subtly different amongst the groups. Most of the women i have chatted to have relationships with black men, interacial sex. Most of the men who are cuckolds seem to be in a lifestyle where their wives have bulls and boyfriends whom they go out with and date. Very few have, or have had a live-in relationship. This is where I started to think about my own relationships and where they might lie on the spectrum of cuckolding, polyamory and threesomes.

I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been seeing for the past seven years. For five of those years he lived with us. More recently he has lived in his own home, but close by. Prior to meeting Michael we had several cuckold relationships that lasted from months to one year. My own view is that my relationship with Michael and paul is clearly a cuckold relationship, though others might view it as polyamorous – which it obviously is since we all three have mutual love and respect. It is not simply threesomes of which I have experienced many with Michael and where I enjoy the attentions of two dominant males but without the emotional connection with both.

The aspects that make our relationship that of a cuckoldress, her lover and husband is that I am sexually available to my lover and not to my husband. By this I mean I willingly submit to Michaels desires whenever and where ever he wants. In contrast paul’s sexual pleasure is in my gift. He has periods of chastity. By this I mean i don’t allow him to orgasm for periods of time though I will tease and arouse him regularly. I don’t enforce chastity through devices and trust that paul honours my desire in this way. Neither do I deny paul sex. We don’t have intercourse but we enjoy a full and intimate, erotic and rewarding sex life. More often than not that involves all three of us with paul a willing voyeur until invited to join us.

But I have just described the sexual basis of our relationship and that is lop sided. We are a loving husband, wife and lover who at all times respect each other and act with courtesy and dignity. I don’t see paul’s role as being one of humiliation and don’t equate his submission with humiliation. So why does it work for us. What benefits do my cuckold, myself and especially Michael my boyfriend derive from this menage-a-trois.

I think it’s because our identities are inextricably linked with our sexuality and proclivities. I am sexually submissive, paul is sexually submissive and Michael is sexually dominant. This informs who we are in everything we do. It doesn’t mean that when at work I’m submissive, or that colleagues see me as submissive – it can be quite the reverse. However, it does mean that for me to be happy and function properly I need to be able to channel that submissiveness through my intimate relationships. It is the same for paul. He has long yearned for me to be a dominant woman around the house and in the bedroom. I couldn’t be when the children were at home because all my time and effort was bound up with being a mother. After that phase of my life moved on I found I couldn’t be dominant with paul in the way he desired. I couldn’t submit to paul either. My identity was thwarted at every turn. In contrast when with Michael I am completely submissive to his desires and my true identity and character shines through. I can also find it in myself to dominate paul when i am with Michael, or we are all three together.

In this way both paul’s and my self identity is allowed to blossom. But what is in it for Michael? Michael is 44,  much younger than I am, single, successful and full of creative energy and vitality. He has no children and no prospect of children with me. I was 50 when we met Michael. I’ve often asked Michael why? He flippantly makes a list of the plusses and says what is not to like. I think it is deeper than that. Through his relationship with me he is able to discover and express his true identity and character. He is in a relationship with a submissive and compliant woman and with whom he can openly experiment and push the boundaries of his own, and my sexuality. This nourishes his id and ego and allows him to lead a successful and creative life without the ties of being married and having children.

Then if this is so why should I not just up sticks, leaving paul and live with Michael. There are many reasons: I love Paul and would never leave him; he is an emotional bedrock and steadfast; we are more intimate than we ever were, more caring, tender and romantic; sex is more powerful, consuming and powerful with Michael when i’m also with paul; it’s also that when I’m not with paul because i know he is with me in his mind and that we will share the experience after (i.e. for me sexual pleasure is, and perhaps perversely, intimately tied with my love for paul and wanting him present as witness and submissive to my pleasures and desires).

When and where will it end. I’m realistic, at 57 one has to be. Michael is 44 and as I grow older that age gap may appear to grow for him, I don’t know. If Michael does decide to leave I’d be intitially heartbroken but would recover as I slid into old age disgracefully with my husband and probably seeking another lover.