Is there something I am not getting

Nigel, This blog benefits from a provocative post or two and this is a well worded one. But I am on a different page and one that isn’t easy to live-as you know from my own thread ‘In praise of Emily’. It’s my argument that some people are not designed to be monogamous. Where a female is both assertive and sexually adventurous, and she is married to a man who is instinctively submissive and uncompetitive, then including a bull in the relationship can be as natural as monogamy. This combination though is rare. The usual mix is submissive male and submissive female. In that situation, agreed monogamy seems both more natural and may be easier to sustain-although even there tensions may exist if a wife fantasizes about a more dominant male partner. If we see a situation where there is a dominant husband and a submissive wife, then contentment may result, but a caution should be added. The aggressive dominant husband might become physically abusive (testosterone pressed to the extreme).

I would agree though that significant risks attend the cuckold lifestyle, at least if it begins from the background of cheating. The male who agrees to become a cuckold in this context might simply be holding a marriage together pro temp. The wife who despises her husband’s submission in this context may well leave the marriage. So the message seems to be understand yourself- what you really want/need and can commit to. Thoughts anyone else? Jezz

I think you are making excellent points here. It does indeed come down to needs and very honestly expressed needs. The chances that all such needs coincide are quite remote and that is why a lot of folk post here, asking how they can persuade a partner to try the lifestyle out. It is why my own thread in praise of Emily includes so many offerings. The experiences are highly unusual, even surreal, and yes they evoke all sorts of thoughts and feelings inside me. Any idea that I as a dominant male can completely orchestrate and control things is clearly nuts. I am learning, and trying to share that learning in the thread. The lifestyle is insecure, exhilarating, thought on speed as it were. In this sense it is above the ordinary and perhaps it is this that seems compelling to so many. Vanilla sex plods (as it were), cuckold sex works with instincts and yes, they are competitive, elitist, and not always empathetic. Perhaps it is the case that society has become too safe, too refined, for sex to function as it once did?

Rosseau suggested that people can be thought of as instinctively good, as collaborative and considerate of others. He made arguments about education on the basis of that-how you motivate learners. Punishment was out and exploration was in. Carl Rogers continued the ideas many many years later. But it is unwise to automatically equate collaborative with equity. Social groups can co operate on an inequitable basis. Different cadres within the group can secure, and use (we hope wisely and responsibly) greater authority. This is the basis of the argument that before religion guided human society, back when we lived in tribes, that unequal collaboration was the order of the day. The strong ruled, and carried responsibility. The alpha male (the strongest back
then) got the major share of procreation rights but they also had to bring home the meat from the savannah too. I can’t pretend to explain why inequality is then so appealing for some. But it does have a hold on many and it might relate to such primal instincts.

Whether this is ‘dark’ depends on whether a life is consensual. Taken to extreme inequality and elitism is part of the political far right, and we know what horrors that produced. But in moderation it is a right wing insistance that a decent society values opportunity, getting on , being rewarded for ability or skill. This society insists on minimum standards and rights for all, but as part of capitalism does not promote equity (save in opportunity).

I’ll leave it there-others are welcome in too. We can cover a lot on human nature here. Jezz

In my opinion, anything that isn’t “vanilla” is like a drug or some kind of exciting adventure. You know you shouldn’t or you know there is a challenge involved but you have to have a taste of it. Sure, you can continue on the safe and sure path but you’re always going to be wondering……what if??
Cuckolding, regardless of what anyone says has its roots (in the last 30 or so years) in the fetish realm and because it involves so much trust, faith, preparation, it is for me, the cliff-jumping of fetish disciplines. Let’s say that vanilla sex is like football. Common, accepted and safe. Cuckolding, like cliff-jumping leaves its practitioners with minute room for error. Get it right and the rewards are are almost uncomprehensible to the average Joe. Get it wrong and and the consequences are equally unpalatable.
When Hillary was asked why he wanted to climb Everest his response was “Because it is there”. The same mentality applies to those with a cuckolding fetish. Many dream. Many make attempts…..but few succeed.
Of course it’s all relative. You only need something when you have had some taste of whatever it is. Wanting is quite different. It’s a much more basic thing. I wanted to read a porn mag one day. I read that porn mag and lit up my imagination and these days, I feel I need what I had read about, which was cuckolding on a very basic level. How did my need bring me to this site and others with similar themes? I fed that need by searching for more material relating to that initial hit. More dedicated material. In the here and now and after a good few relationships I found a wife who I felt I was at least able to communicate my needs to, even if she isn’t going to fully indulge me……yet!
My mind has been conditioned by myself, to think that I now need this whole journey to come to some conclusion. To be cuckolded and in the fullest sense. I am addicted to the idea of being a cuckold and I can’t see that ever changing. Not while ever I can become physically aroused by the idea. I’ve given account on here of my journey with my wife. For the moment it is on hold though. Stange as it may seem, my wife has actually come around to my way of thinking. We are currently looking for another woman to cuckquean my wife with. This is obviously something that I would like to try. If we have any success then maybe my wife will be enough at ease to finally cuckold me in one way or another in the future.
We have talked, role played and more. We love each other and trust each other. When she pulled the plug on the cuckolding plan, metaphorically speaking we weren’t quite prepared to take the leap off of the cliff but I didn’t hold it against her and look how things have panned out. We have found another strap in our parachute to double check. Maybe soon we wil do the jump!
For some, the excitement overrides the danger and for a select few, with great planning, danger is negated and euphria is attained.

Matt.

Hi Nigel,

Both Freud and Jung wrote about unconsidered, yet powerful drives and certainly the need to procreate is amongst these. Its interesting to think that since we have learned to control our fertility, these tensions may have increased. If sex is not to produce offspring, then what purpose does it serve? Well, of course it serves pleasure-that which nature has built in to reward copulation. But copulation in the same old way, with the same partner starts to produce diminishing returns. We need to vary the activity somehow, and that presumably explains kinks, fetishes and yes different lifestyles such as cuckolding. It is almost as if nature will out, drawing us back to the original purpose of sex-the instinctive agenda-to compete and procreate. .

I agree then that the psyche of the cuck male takes some greater thought. If he (like others) is programmed to compete, what is the worth of conceding treasures to others? Is it really possible that he sacrifices his opportunities to further those of others who he considers superior? It seems altruistic in the extreme. But to see the cuckold male thus is to see him in a naive way. We know that there are different sexual orientations and drives. For gay men there is no classic procreation possibility, but their drive and emotional attachments are strong. Being gay is not a habit, or a fetish, its a sexual orientation. We might venture that asexuality could be a the same-an orientation. Some people (beyond those required to be celibate) do not find they experience an urge to copulate. They are indeed content to define themselves in non sexual ways and strongly insist that this is enough. These examples, and they are long standing ones over centuries, suggest that human beings are not all designed the same way. The psyche of the individual is different. Just whether that comes about through nature, or nurture can be debated. There are lots of arguments that cuck males learn their lifestyle. They experience reward through submission to others. They eroticize defeat, coming second, being less in one way or another. If nurture is the mechanism that explains their choices however, I don’t think this necessarily means that they are damaged. We have always learned in to live in particular ways that have meaning for us. Culture facilitates this-just think of matriarchy in some societies, or the custom in others of males taking multiple wives. Human society blends different solutions. It offers different answers to the question, ‘what constitutes a meaningful life?’

What remains then for the cuckold lifestyle is to find ways of honestly expressing needs or drives, in ways that are considerate of others and which meet their needs as well as our own. We have to explore the frankly frightening drives that we have and to accept that we are different. If those drives are perverse and damage others, if they force our needs on theirs , then we do indeed face a dark world. We are on a slippery slope to something terrible. But I would argue that what more often seems shameful, awful, alarming, is that which is uncommon and which we know stands apart from the statistical norm-what most people do. Gay folk confronted this long before us. They suffered for centuries from persecution as they wrestled with their identity and yes then insisted on their dignity. I am convinced that what we do, if it is done with consideration, is liberating. Imagine the woman with the bigger sex drive and the wish to share sex with several others. Now, in many ways she is condemned. Even in erotic literature she is the ‘slut’. The promiscuous male receives little criticism by comparison. He is ‘jack the lad’. So at its finest, a considered, consulted and discussed cuckold relationship does better than that. The sexually adventurous woman is allowed to be who she is. The submissive male is allowed to be who he is. The bull is allowed to be arrogant and competitive. At our best we find ways to make this lifestyle work. We search for ways to sustain the different relationships within the union. I guess that is what we are doing right now in the thread I share. We stumble sometimes. We doubt quite a lot and then one of the others reminds us that we don’t always think straight. In some ways it is up lifting. We may write it erotically- this is part of our language. But it is serious too-about beliefs and values-living on our chosen edge.

Pretty full post above and all thoughtful. I will concentrate on just the last bits and the bull. I think it valuable for an alpha woman to have just one bull, but to be able to fuck with other alpha males with his support. The bull creates the atmosphere, the milieux within which she can express her needs and yes, decide with whom she might procreate. He is her partner for sure, but he is a mentor too. She is provided with a circle or a tribe that support her choices and establish the norm of the most able and the most attractive fucking in ways that make sense to them. This is a circle that is not purely egoistic though, it is one where the submissive male need is met as well. Opportunities are made for the submissive male to play a full supportive role. That takes so many forms- giving head, supporting his mistress financially and practically in the home, handling the chores of life so that she is able to live a freer life. Leaders need followers, the elite need the plebiscite. If it sounds a bit like the bull is the mistress maker, the person who helps the alpha female ascend to her throne- then that is about right. This isn’t some regressive trip back to the dark ages either, the time of significant inequality. It is a recognition that sameness for all is hard to sustain. There is a lot of sameness today-and I’m not just talking store chains in the mall. Nothing seems better, worth striving for, nothing feels like an achievement any more. But doing it the cuckold way, all are challenged to think harder to work to concerted effect. The hotwife has to manage her cuck husband. She may never have bothered much with him before. The cuck has to lean to submit in ways that are practical but which seem sexy too. The bull has to sustain his performance, to excite the alpha female AND (its a big one), think about the bigger circle of like minded folk. He has to find ways to make it easier and more stimulating for all concerned. A alpha woman, like any other, needs a secure setting to live her way. Its your point about having time and resource on her hands. She is powerful because of her sex appeal, because men want to inseminate her. But she isn’t physically powerful as a man is, so its the bull’s role to help her achieve a safe environment to be sexual.

Now this runs a bit counter for some bulls who are in this for the pleasure and what they can take. They love cucking because they get one over on a weaker male. They take his wife. Don’t get me wrong-that is part of my agenda too. It is what I find erotic. I’m a hedonist as well as a low grade philosopher. But selfish pleasure simply isn’t enough for a cuckold lifestyle and this blog remember does call itself cuckold marriage. It ain’t just about the occasional thrill. Luvr’s posts are about managing things, and sustaining something mutually sexy. So a bull has to think on. He has to strategise a little and yes (as I indicate my companion thread, in praise of Emily) he has to confront his own emotions and selfish desires. It is comparatively easy to want to own several women, to protect them for sure but then to contain them so that no one else explores things with them. The selfish gene looms large. But a confident hot wife, one with presence and attitude out grows that. She needs to submit to the alpha male, but she doesn’t need him to treat her as a brainless bimbo. The best hotwives I have ever known have always wanted both submission and freedom. They want to assert as well as submit. Its the contrast between the two that provides some of the zest in life. So in my thread, I do have to think on and not think I can keep Emily and Mags as mine. I would run out of energy and time. I would stifle women that deserve a good deal better and i would limit life opportunities for James as well.

This isn’t easy. Its so hard to be a mix of physical male and thoughtful person. The two aren’t a ready mix and its hard to find them. When you do, they’re still working on the balance. But I believe that we are important. If (and it is a big if) people into the cuckolding lifestyle are to establish their own space and the freedom to live their way, then it is thoughtful bulls who help build that. They help create tribes, or circles, wherein alpha women can be alpha and beta males can be beta. Sometimes we have to rein our own egos, to set aside a selfish desire. Read the thread-I ain’t getting it right all the time. Giving Emily full rein requires trust and she excites me so much that is hard. We’re learning.

Last polemical point. I love sexy pictures of beautiful women getting it on with well hung males. I like the in your face captions that get attached to them, the looks and the gestures they use towards the camera (and cuck). But this is just a part of our language. Its what we use to arouse and sustain us. Its the antidote to blandness and so important whilst folk wait and hope to build a cuck lifestyle of their own. But never think that this is the whole of it. If all cuckolding is just the caption, then this is indeed a fetish, a thrill. I don’ believe that and neither have some I have known. They might not be word smiths, but they have tried to convey this wish to live differently. Party political broadcast over. A poster pinned up on behalf of the sincerely different party-the men and the women.

Hi Nigel, we theorise freely here, but that’s fine.

I am often struck when talking to hotwives how they enjoy the contrast of their own weakness and strength. Beneath a physically powerful man the limitations of the female frame shows through and they get a real buzz from being ‘taken’. The submission to instinct, the inevitably of copulation and insemination works big in their psyche. They may say how closely this works with their reproductive cycle, so that during the ovulation week this need to surrender to the alpha male is even greater. I once slept with a lady who during such weeks sent her husband to sleep in the annex downstairs and who padlocked the connecting door. She was on birth control, but in her head he was not going to be allowed to get in the way of her submission and the fact that only one man would father her kids if she chucked the pills.

But the strength they discover is intoxicating too. It works rather crudely but ever so effectively. I learn to dominate my husband through a mixture of desire and denial. What starts off as a sexy pleasure (cunnilingus) becomes the only sex he is allowed. New associations form in the mind. He is ‘constantly down there’, ‘he is beneath me’, ‘why did I ever think of him as my equal’. A skilful bull helps her to deal with the initial guilt that attend this and slowly she realises that her power is more and more complete. I can humiliate him at will, even with a few words in a social setting. I can deny him sex for ages and cause him the sweetest frustration. I can tease and taunt with other men. Because my self esteem is soaring and I realise just how attractive I am to other men (dress, scent, grooming cost a fortune by are so important for her) I could simply trade him in for something better. It is cruel, edgy but part of her power and yes, a cuck fears what she might do with her power. Its particularly strong if the cuck husband is older than she. She accepts, ever so slowly, and with some amazement, that she rules him with her pussy, she enslaves him through his mind.

Think of all the different takes on sex- especially that which gets written up as erotica or porn. OK the images might be considered to reduce the woman in some way, to make her a sexual object (traditional critique). But hotwives don’t think in captions and are more than sexual moments. They change their lives and advance their influence in relationships. Those bold enough to take this walk on the wild side are sincerely liberated. I take what I want from you and I have him for what you could never manage. I can control you or leave you as I chose. The more you meet your needs the more you fuel my authority over you. Get used to it.

This is a very interesting discussion and I hope it is okay for me to add a few thoughts…

I am a cuckold. Perhaps I came to this differently to many but in my case, this is not the result of a broken or sick relationship as the OP seems to suggest. My partner is a Dominant Woman and from day one it has always been understood that Her needs are the focus of our relationship and that my role is to support that. This is not to say that I have been a cuckold from the outset as that is not the case, in fact the situation is relatively recent. But it has always been understood that She does what She pleases and my current status is a natural progression of Our very happy, strong and stable relationship.

Yes I do sometimes feel miserable and anxious and sometimes frankly pissed off about the situation. But is there any kind of relationship of any kind that doesn’t involve these feelings at some time or another? So what do I get out of it? Well I love Her and want whatever makes Her happy for starters. For many years, before She came along, I struggled to compete with Alpha guys, tried to be one of those guys but I just couldn’t cut it and it left me quite unhappy and a bit fucked up. Laughable when I think back on it! She’s taken me to a place where I am liberated from the futile torment of comparing myself to superior Alpha guys. There’s no comparison! I am not like that and never will be!! So its not that I am inadequate. I am more than adequate for what I am..but why beat myself up for something I can never be?

To put this another way, and perhaps a little flippantly… But as She always reminds me….Whenever something needs fixing up around the home, I’m useless at all that (surprise, surprise) so we get a properly qualified guy with the right equipment to do the job in…I guess the same thing applies in other areas of our household!

I hope, in a round about way, my ramblings here have added something to the discussion. From my perspective the ideal of a, ‘loving monogamous relationship’ is responsible for a lot of unhappiness for both men and women. It may be what our society condones but no amount of ‘society’ is going to make us all that ‘properly qualified and equipped’ guy!!

It’s great to have three of us chatting-thanks for responding.

In my other thread (In praise of Emily) i have an interview with James, the cuck husband in her life. I don’t have a similar in depth origin of needs interview with Emily and I need to rectify that. She is pretty busy right now. But I do hope that this points out some things about the origin of cuckold status for a male. Its my belief (and James would disagree-he thinks its solely about learned behaviour) that some males are instinctively beta and ready to be cuckolded. Its also my belief that some woman are instinctively alpha and ready to become a hot wife/dominant partner. But on top of that come the nurture things- the learning to submit or to dominate and the finding that this is a workable, even an enjoyable and needful way to live together. Learning might take place over a long time and must counter social conditioning. In James’ case it was during adolescence, and perhaps that is an especially formative time. But he seems to have watched the mating game which is raw right then and realised that he could’t compete. Raw, ugly as it may seem, he was better suited to be a follower, an also ran. There is always a role for those who support, who worship, those who admire and assist. Just whether a cuck guy feels ‘fucked up’ by this depends profoundly on whether he has been helped to reflect on the matter. If he has had no help, if he has reflected alone, then there is a real chance that he could be undermined, even damaged psychologically. But where he has found help (and i think this blog does help), then there is a chance of making a happy and a fulfilling adjustment. He understands, needs and sometimes enjoys the angst. He is to some degree masochistic. Help is so important because what he is learning about is to live differently, out of the statistical social norm. The fact that we live in a multicultural, multi sexual lifestyle world helps a good bit. But it isn’t easy. Men have been socialised to be assertive and women (too often) to be submissive. It is equally hard for the cuck male to be submissive and for the woman to be dominant. Both are challenging sexual stereotypes.

I agree with betaloser that no society can create or sustain a race of super heroes, all alpha personalities (forget all those movies above superhuman abilities). It would be violent, aggressive and unsustainable. Societies need the laid back as well as the go getters. It needs dominant and submissive people. There is a physiological and a psychological way of keeping that in balance. Males vary in their quota of testosterone. Higher levels of testosterone are associated with A type, competitive and alpha personalities. Lower levels of testosterone may be associated with beta types. Believe it or not we have some ‘female’ hormones inside us and the ladies have some male hormones inside them. A balance is struck and so it is possible to have a feisty, dominant women, based in part on hormones, but of course too on education, ability and learning during their life. Some women are taught to be dominant-it is part of the culture they grow up in. If the males around them don’t measure up, they dominate them. Testosterone levels can deteriorate with age, so it is sometimes the case that a male becomes less dominant as he gets older. He is less competitive. If he is married to a younger woman, especially if she leans towards the dominant end of the spectrum, then cuckoldom might ensue. All sorts of things help shape relationships, the balance of power, but the above are some of them. My point is really that to be a cuckold male is to be normal. It is one working out of the lifestyle conundrum, and confusing as it may have been at some stage, it is a viable way to live.

A number of situations can now result. If you are lucky the submissive male finds and marries the dominant female. Both spend some time realising this happy match. They find that their needs are complementary. Betaloser is in that happy situation. Yes it isn’t without its tensions, but it is a working and so often an exciting way to live. Emily and James are in that place too, though it will take a long time to work out what is just right, especially given the involvement of others. But there are many other cuck inclined males, those who have or are confronting their submissive natures who have not found the ideal dominant woman. They may be married to a woman who isn’t like that, or else who hasn’t permitted herself to explore such instincts. It is not nice, not ladylike to dominate, to humiliate a man- even if he screams out that he needs it. So he lives the life of the cuck in waiting. It is a tough life and I guess that at least some blog readers are in this situation. There are though even for these good folk some pleasures. They can, providing they pace things, worship the woman in their life and make it easier for he to cuck him if she choses to later. He typically dotes on her, buys her nice clothes, encourages her to go out with friends, perhaps to take holidays with other girls, as well as wining, dining and holidaying with her himself. In short he signals- you have never been locked in my pocket. You are independent and I adore that. Your choices rule. At best he subtly defers to her choices. Her choice of home, her decor, her choice of car and friendships for them as a couple. Little by little she realises that she wears the pants.

There is a risk for that guy though. The dominant woman, who does not wish to control a man, who believes that it is her role to submit to a proper man, might simply bin her husband. Its my view that this is what Elise did to James. You can’t discount that risk. But to avoid living as a cuck in waiting is (in my view) to deny your identity and to live a pretence. Its akin to what gay folk had to ensure in the past. We can’t guarantee to be happy ever after. We can guarantee to try and live honestly and supportively of others. But this requires insight. That is why this blog is valuable. it is why I post. I like others am a mix of intellect (probably suspect!) and emotions. They mix together. That is what human beings are like. But when they mix together for beta males don’t let that signify that they are useless, worthless or less than important in relationships. Without them a cuckoldress could not explore her nature. The bull could not express his.

It is my view that lots of couples have lived meaningful lives, where the woman is dominant. Some very famous men, powerful in other areas of life have been submissive to their wives. Women have learned to rule men covertly. Other couples have lived bohemian lives where it is accepted that this very able woman will occasionally fuck other men. They might not discuss it a lot, it is just done. The conservatives fear such chaos. But they may be fascinated too.

Last message then-life is wondrously diverse. Don’t be ashamed. Care about those you love but be yourself as well.

Hi Nigel,

I wonder whether James has thought consciously and carefully along the lines that you outline above? I guess not, but only because he doesn’t have a psychology education. I think the account of reasoning you share is very rationale though. The cuck does indeed have to find a compromise position, one that acknowledges his interest in sex and his inferiority when it comes to the mating stakes. This is what I believe could be called the erotization of feelings, linking feelings that might for others seem plain uncomfortable and linking these to a new found pleasure-that which gives a new meaning to submission. Its another way of saying what you say I think.

There are certainly precedents elsewhere, where people try to overcome what the psychologists call cognitive dissonance (sorry to get all technical). For those not in the know this refers to a situation where an individual has to endure a situation that they believe is not as things should be, where they cannot have what they want. A very simple example makes the point. As a kid you want that ice cream cone. Its a hot day after all. But you can’t have it, you can’t afford it, so you look for ways of seeing the lack of the ice cream as good. If you guzzle ice cream cones you put on weight. You spend money that could be put to better purpose. You search for the plus, the value in what you cannot do or have.

The cuck male knows that socially he should compete for and be territorial about his wife. This is how life should be. But he knows that he is different. He has to grapple with the cost of not measuring up, to sustain the cost of being different. So now he starts to redefine husband hood, to find a new definition of what it is to partner. He is dealing with his dissonance- about how he should be as a male. He starts to think of all the other ways he can be a great partner, attentive, good financially, emotionally constant and loyal. He learns about cunnilingus and similar, things that sustain pleasure for a woman, even though she is fucking with his better… and he offers that. He redefines himself in ways that are cogent with his inferiority in the mating stakes.
Jezz

Interesting take! Love reading your post. 

Hello Nigel, Jezz, Tisha and others. What a fascinating and provocative read this has been. I’m not sure that I have taken it all in and I’m certainly not a student of psychology whether it be Freudian or Jungian. I was going to write a topic called ‘Cuckold versus polyamory versus threesomes’ as a way to explore some of my own thoughts about my lifestyle but it seems this thread is as good as any. I hope that you two gentlemen still look back at this thread and might find time to respond to the thoughts of a cuckoldress.

I was prompted to write from the discussions I had with others in the chat room. There are a lot of male experiences, some no doubt fantasies, of being a cuckold. There are some ‘bulls’ and boyfriends and some cuckoldresses. The experiences are subtly different amongst the groups. Most of the women i have chatted to have relationships with black men, interacial sex. Most of the men who are cuckolds seem to be in a lifestyle where their wives have bulls and boyfriends whom they go out with and date. Very few have, or have had a live-in relationship. This is where I started to think about my own relationships and where they might lie on the spectrum of cuckolding, polyamory and threesomes.

I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been seeing for the past seven years. For five of those years he lived with us. More recently he has lived in his own home, but close by. Prior to meeting Michael we had several cuckold relationships that lasted from months to one year. My own view is that my relationship with Michael and paul is clearly a cuckold relationship, though others might view it as polyamorous – which it obviously is since we all three have mutual love and respect. It is not simply threesomes of which I have experienced many with Michael and where I enjoy the attentions of two dominant males but without the emotional connection with both.

The aspects that make our relationship that of a cuckoldress, her lover and husband is that I am sexually available to my lover and not to my husband. By this I mean I willingly submit to Michaels desires whenever and where ever he wants. In contrast paul’s sexual pleasure is in my gift. He has periods of chastity. By this I mean i don’t allow him to orgasm for periods of time though I will tease and arouse him regularly. I don’t enforce chastity through devices and trust that paul honours my desire in this way. Neither do I deny paul sex. We don’t have intercourse but we enjoy a full and intimate, erotic and rewarding sex life. More often than not that involves all three of us with paul a willing voyeur until invited to join us.

But I have just described the sexual basis of our relationship and that is lop sided. We are a loving husband, wife and lover who at all times respect each other and act with courtesy and dignity. I don’t see paul’s role as being one of humiliation and don’t equate his submission with humiliation. So why does it work for us. What benefits do my cuckold, myself and especially Michael my boyfriend derive from this menage-a-trois.

I think it’s because our identities are inextricably linked with our sexuality and proclivities. I am sexually submissive, paul is sexually submissive and Michael is sexually dominant. This informs who we are in everything we do. It doesn’t mean that when at work I’m submissive, or that colleagues see me as submissive – it can be quite the reverse. However, it does mean that for me to be happy and function properly I need to be able to channel that submissiveness through my intimate relationships. It is the same for paul. He has long yearned for me to be a dominant woman around the house and in the bedroom. I couldn’t be when the children were at home because all my time and effort was bound up with being a mother. After that phase of my life moved on I found I couldn’t be dominant with paul in the way he desired. I couldn’t submit to paul either. My identity was thwarted at every turn. In contrast when with Michael I am completely submissive to his desires and my true identity and character shines through. I can also find it in myself to dominate paul when i am with Michael, or we are all three together.

In this way both paul’s and my self identity is allowed to blossom. But what is in it for Michael? Michael is 44,  much younger than I am, single, successful and full of creative energy and vitality. He has no children and no prospect of children with me. I was 50 when we met Michael. I’ve often asked Michael why? He flippantly makes a list of the plusses and says what is not to like. I think it is deeper than that. Through his relationship with me he is able to discover and express his true identity and character. He is in a relationship with a submissive and compliant woman and with whom he can openly experiment and push the boundaries of his own, and my sexuality. This nourishes his id and ego and allows him to lead a successful and creative life without the ties of being married and having children.

Then if this is so why should I not just up sticks, leaving paul and live with Michael. There are many reasons: I love Paul and would never leave him; he is an emotional bedrock and steadfast; we are more intimate than we ever were, more caring, tender and romantic; sex is more powerful, consuming and powerful with Michael when i’m also with paul; it’s also that when I’m not with paul because i know he is with me in his mind and that we will share the experience after (i.e. for me sexual pleasure is, and perhaps perversely, intimately tied with my love for paul and wanting him present as witness and submissive to my pleasures and desires).

When and where will it end. I’m realistic, at 57 one has to be. Michael is 44 and as I grow older that age gap may appear to grow for him, I don’t know. If Michael does decide to leave I’d be intitially heartbroken but would recover as I slid into old age disgracefully with my husband and probably seeking another lover.

I think you have a beautiful situation and while it’s working – quit questioning why. I do think it’s healthy that you recognize the age gap as a risk (it is) and that at some point the odds of Michael ‘moving on’ are fairly good. This doesn’t mean you are disgraceful in any way – this process is as natural as the one that got this embedded into your lives.

i can understand where op is coming from.  for a long time i thought that too.  how can individuals in a cuckold arrangement ever be expected to stay together if wife is finding sex and companionship elsewhere?  it didn’t make sense.

i’m still not convinced cuckolding is healthy.  i listen and speak to guys asking to be humiliated in all sorts of ways by their wife and be treated with total disregard.  i can’t understand it.  But i’m no psychologist and in no position to judge the health of someone else’s relationship.  i have a more open mind to it now.

I’m not sure what type of relationship i’m in now, frankly the labels confuse me.  i have sex with other men with hubby’s complete approval and encouragement.  sometimes he gets involved sometimes he watches me enjoy myself.  i do it for my own pleasure and also play a performance for hubby’s pleasure.  for me it’s about experiencing a more intense kind of sex.  it’s not something i yearned for, it’s something hubby gave me the idea for.  together we built a fantasy of what we liked and i’m living out that fantasy for our shared enjoyment.

i don’t expect we’ll be doing this forever.  just as long as we both find it exciting is good enough for me.

I cuckolded the same guy for 25 years and am  married to a cuckquean. Despite that, I still do not understand the whole cuckolding thing. I am a very alpha male so I want all the woman for myself. My lover refused to tell me about her relationship with her cuck as she wanted to keep her two lives separate and my wife cannot explain why she asked her best friend to have sex with me and only had sex with my lover if I asked while I was present, even if just to watch. My wife and lover are not lovers. Outside of the bedroom, they never are intimate, not even a kiss on the cheek. Very weird but I was not about to ruin a good thing by asking more questions.

I was totally unaware of the current cuckold scripted fantasy you find online so we did it wrong. The cuck did not want to have sex with me or even watch. His wife was in control of their relationship so there were not rules for her. She could and would stay with me for weeks at a time. I never used condoms because I am sterile, faithful to my lover and wife and it started pre-AIDS. If she even asked me to use a condom for her cuck’s enjoyment, I would have said no. The only thing she ever said once was that she would love to see her husband suck my penis but that is not my thing. Once we tried to get her cuck involved because we did socialize with them throughout the years. He was OK watching me make out with his wife and having her undress me but as soon as my wife tried to undress him, he freaked and left. She followed him to calm him down plus she needed a ride home. That was it. None of the stuff you read about happened. Some nights we did not even have sex. I do not have a large penis but I do know how to use what I have and how to treat a woman. Most just want to feel sexy and desirable, not a big penis. I never met a woman who was into large penises as much as most guys are.

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