Desperately need help ….

I love my husband of 10 years, but our sexual differences are putting a strain on our marriage.

My husband won’t stop asking me to cuckold him. At first, he wanted me to talk dirty to him about having sex with other men. Then it progressed to him wanting to be a cuckold. I only want to be with him, just like we used to be before we had kids. This used to be the good days when only me, my body was enough for him. But he presses the issue by verbalizing cuckold situations during sex. By the time he is done, I have no desire to orgasm because I no longer feel attractive. Worse, I feel like I am not enough for him. The only way he can get off is to think about, talk about, or hear me talk about having sex with other men.

Sometimes he would ask for me to give him a hand job while talking about dirty things I would do with other men. There was a time he would exclusively want quickies and hand job while I would tell him ‘cuckold stories’. I’ve spent months, at times a whole year without having any orgasm (other than masturbating myself) while he would use my body and cuckold stories to reach his orgasm at least once a day, average 2-3 times a day, and it could be more if he is in the mood. Never once making it possible for me to have any orgasm.

It makes me feel worthless as a sex partner—which is crazy, because I am attractive and open to a great deal of things (toys, games, dressing up, striptease, 3 threesome with another girl, going out without no panty, etc.). I long for him to touch me, kiss me, and look at me the way he used to. He is a good father and a good provider, and I love him. But this matter is crushing my self-esteem.

After talking about our issues at lengths and trying new things out, this past two years things has got better. We have limit ‘stories’ to one time a month. He is not allowed any quickies without my consent. He now takes more time trying to make me reach orgasm and refrains himself from verbalizing his cuckold fantasies as much as possible. But then the sex is unsatisfying for both of us. Even though he loves me dearly and want to satisfy me, he is rarely able to reach orgasm without mentioning or thinking about his cuckold fantasies. This is a big turn off for me. Specially if I feel he feels it as an obligation to make more foreplay and put aside his addiction. Also I still have difficulties reaching my orgasm because he is not as passionate, as manly and hard than when thinking or talking about me with other guys. He denies it, but its the truth. He does his best, but it feels like he’s not with me anymore.

After trying to make him give up to his addiction, I now accept it. I know now that he will never change. This is him. It defines his sexual orientation. But it doesn’t make things easier because I also have sexual urges I am unable to satisfy by masturbating. I am ashamed to admit it, but I long for a big cock that would fill that void I have in me. I have contemplated cheating on my husband but I love and respect him too much. He is a loving husband and a great father. But sex knowing that he wants me with other men is less satisfying than the times when I was the only subject of his fantasies.

So I took things in my hand and thought I might as well explore cuckolding with him in hopes of finding a man who would fulfill my sexual desires. I offered him rewards in the past. Three of them was about exploring cuckolding. All 3 times when we got back home and I admitted that I was not happy with the outcome. I was genuinely happy and turned on by HIS excitement, but those cuckolding setups made me feel offered to a random stranger, almost like a prostitute. Needless to say, I never had my orgasm. I’m happy we tried it though, but I now know things that won’t do it for me if we were to experience cuckolding once more, namely :

– My husband being present. Makes me shy, ashamed and simply uncomfortable.
– The other man being pushy, or too dominant, demanding lap dance, jerking off on my hair, etc. Makes feel feel like an escort, like I have to obey whatever HE says.
– The other man being a complete stranger. I have got to have a chemistry with someone for me to find him sexually attractive and wanting him. I want him to have considerations for me. Respect me.
– The other man should be attractive and have a nice tool. In my husband cuckold fantasies, he is always offering me to old unattractive men that I would fuck because I’m such a nympho. The problem is that my husband is a very attractive man himself. Why the hell would I go with someone who is not as attractive to my hubby ?? That doesn’t make sense.

At that point we had another cuckolding experience. I’ve met a man online. He was planning spending some days in town. We had a great chemistry together. I would tell my husband how things progressed with him. I really liked it. And my husband liked it too. He would be in such excitement that he would put me in charge. Totally in charge. He would play the perfect husband. Want to please me all day. And be submissive in bed. I enjoyed it so much. But when he gets his orgasm and the excitement fades. He becomes jealous, possessive, would sneak on my phone, accuse me of preferring the other man. To a point I stop any contact with the other guy twice. Online fun was great but hubby was confusing me. When he is in the mood, he would talk to me into it again and when his excitement subsides it would indirectly ask me to stop by being jealous.

One day out of the blue, the other man send me a text. He was in town. Spending one night in the hotel. I showed my husband the text and he urged me to go. He said there was no limit, just text him from time to time so he’ll know I’m okay. And that’s what I did. Although I had a great time with the other guy and have never wanted a man to fuck me so badly, we didn’t go beyond kissing and caressing. And that’s a great thing, believe me. Because when I got home, after hubby fucked me several times and his excitement subsided, and he clearly made me uncomfortable and ashamed of wanting another man with his jealousy. He demanded, then ordered that I stop texting the other man by the minute. This made me so confused, and angry. So angry.

I am truly confused because this is his ‘ultimate’ fantasy. He wanted me to do that. he put years of our life, trying to train me into being a hotwife. Now that I’ve agreed, with things being done my way, he is not happy. I feel like I’m being played by hubby. He tells me he feels insecure and unsafe knowing that I have such a chemistry with the other man, and that I really love him in a way, that turns him off. Then why push me on and off into it and then make me feel bad about it. I’m not a toy. Tired of being the sexual toy of Mr Cuckold.

So we decided AGAIN to not attempt anything until he works out his insecurity issues. I have showed him in every way I can that I am a loving and caring wife. That he is the father of my 3 kids and that nothing can take him from the first place. He is my priority, my number 1. He cheated on me often, made my life a nightmare, made kids to another woman, made me accept that he is and will always be a cuckold. If he does not realize now that I’m his, when will he ?

Also I question myself, when will he have some considerations for me and my needs sexually. Why must it always has it his way ?

Since my hubby cannot give up cuckolding, he always succeed in convincing me to try again. But guess what, it is not satisfying for me at all. He latest choice for me, an old fat rich man with a small penis. This way by sending me to unattractive men, he feels more secure, not jealous and happy with our sexual life. I keep telling him I am not turned on at all. He listens and nods. But keeps talking to me into meeting the fat guy again, until ‘he finds the good one’ and that the fat guy is gentle so it has to compensate.

I am desperate. I don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated. I’m so horny all the time. I do not want to cheat on my husband. I want a way to make it work for both of us. But I am actually to a point of sexual frustration that I wouldn’t mind being taken by several men at a time.

And please excuse my English, its not my first language 🙂