Marriage Evolved › discussion › Lifestyle Discussions › Getting Started › From Vanilla Dominant to FLR

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    • daveinmd
      Participant
        August 25, 2025 at 6:15 am
        Post count: 4
        #94821

        Greetings

        I am here because I am in a constant state of “pergatory” … Half way between a traditional marriage and a FLR.

        She is always been the dominant partner, but always in a vanilla, sometimes passive aggressive way. I seek to move into a more open discussion or superiority and her being the Alpha in an honest and open way.

        I know my place is to serve her forever. But how do I take it into the open. She is VERY vanilla and active in church so it’s hard to know how and when to express my need for her to take her place.

        It’s in her without a doubt, but her values prevent her ever considering it.

      • Cathy & Jerry
        Participant
          August 25, 2025 at 9:26 am
          Post count: 246
          #94823

          We wish we could give you some advice but we’ve never been in that situation since we’re not religious, but you could try taking her to a very nice restaurant and ask for a quiet booth, somewhere where there aren’t people nearby to overhear what you’re talking about. Hold her hand and tell her how much you love her then explain that there are things that you feel she needs to know and understand. Explain how you feel, that you really desire for her to “take the lead” and explain what you mean by that. If you would desire for her to have a lover then explain that to her gently and again, explain why but don’t make it about you, make it all about her, how you feel that she needs so much more than you can give and how you would love to see her so happy having a much better lover in her life. You know her better than anyone, so spend the time to write out what you would like to tell her. If you don’t do this soon you’ll grow old regretting that you never gave it a try.

          • daveinmd
            Participant
              August 25, 2025 at 3:04 pm
              Post count: 4
              #94829

              Thank you for that kind note. As I am 58, I already have the regret you speak of.

              I would have done things differently, had I had the courage.

          • Madison.cpl
            Participant
              August 29, 2025 at 3:03 pm
              Post count: 7
              #95499

              Hi dave. Also my husband’s name.
              If I may, I’d like to offer a wife’s perspective. I also come from a religious background, so I may be able to help there too.
              Growing up, my mom was the homemaker and took care of the kids. Dad worked long hours and made all the decisions.
              If your wife comes from this kind of background, just asking her to take over may not work.
              When David and I were first dating, I tried to fill the role the I saw my parents lived.
              After getting married, I was becoming unhappy. I was being lead by a man who clearly was not meant for this role.
              I ended up having an affair.
              It almost ended our marriage.
              It took some working through, but it became clear that I could only be happy as the one in charge.
              I knew nothing about FLR.
              May I suggest to you that when you are discussing situations in your life with her, defer to her decisions.
              Compliment her on her perspectives and how smart she is. Point out that you would have never thought of it that way.
              Thank her any chance you get.
              It will take time. Be patient. But she will see how smoothly things are going with her decisions being acted on.
              Good luck.
              I’m here to help if you want to message me.

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