Ruined Orgasm Explained
In this article, I share and comment on a blog post from healthysexymarriage back before the Tumblr “purge.
Managing a cuckold’s penis – and helping him self-manage his penis – is a critical part of a healthy cuckolding partnership. Between the woman’s perspective below and my commentary, I hope to provide the necessary context to promote this practice for couples who are not only active, but on the path to it as well.
The so-called “ruined” orgasm is one of the most intensely pleasurable, toe-curling, sweat-inducing, back-arching, fist-clenching, teeth-gnashing, brain-bending tricks you can use in the bedroom to drive your man into an animal sexual frenzy. It is also perhaps the least understood and most underused method of extending and delivering pleasure to both partners.
This post is mainly for my fellow ladies out there (you wives and girlfriends), but you gentlemen are welcome to follow along, too (if you like what you see, then I strongly encourage you to pass this along to your girlfriends!). I hope this post corrects some of the big misconceptions about “ruining” the male orgasm, teaches you how to do it, and convinces you to try it, in real life – tonight! Even if you don’t succeed the first time (or the second time, or the third…) the learning process alone is insanely fun for both of you, and the payoff, once you get it right, will blow your minds!
The learning process requires a couple work on their communication to work together to be clear about his level of arousal and proximity to spurting – and requires a wife to get to know her husband’s erection and arousal response much more deeply than she likely had previously.
Perhaps even more importantly, it requires the husband to give up control of his arousal, his erection, and his orgasm. In order to experience intimacy and pleasure on a much longer time scale than through intercourse, this is a must.
Below is definitely not what a husband would consider a handjob – he has zero control and was left at the edge repeatedly for probably 40 minutes before she forced his spurt through stimulating his frenulum. I expect she chose this limited sensation just as he spurted as a reward since her edging skill shows she knows when he’s going to spurt. Such benevolence is also part of having the control to manage a cuckold’s penis for him.
The Name Is Misleading: It’s Still An Orgasm!
I think the biggest misconception about ruined orgasms comes from the word “ruined.” It sounds bad. It sounds like torture or something you would do to someone you don’t like very much. Presumably, you love your man. You want him to be happy. Orgasms make him happy, and you enjoy giving him the biggest and best orgasms he’s ever had in his entire life. Why on Earth would you ever want to “ruin” his orgasm? That makes no sense!
The name is simply wrong. A properly ruined orgasm is STILL an orgasm! It’s not “ruined” at all! It feels profoundly different to him, but it still feels GREAT – especially if you use it as a tool to extend your lovemaking!!
“Ruined” would be an apt term from a traditional husband perspective. It is also referred to as an “abandoned orgasm” which is less extreme and would be how the wife would see it, ceasing all sensation just as the spurt is triggered.
The so-called ruined orgasm is a special kind of climax, achieved in a very specific way, that triggers a slightly different sequence of physical, emotional, and hormonal reactions in his body. A “ruined” orgasm feels profoundly different from a “regular” orgasm. To a man accustomed to and expecting normal orgasms (i.e., all men) the sudden surprise of new and different sensations might be confused, in his hyper-aroused brain, with disappointment. (My husband used the word “unexpected”) I think that’s where the word “ruined” comes from. He was expecting a very specific, fantastic sensation – but you gave him a slightly different (still fantastic) sensation instead, and his irrational gut reaction might be frustration.
It’s like when you bite into a chocolate, expecting it to be filled with delicious caramel – only to discover, once it’s in your mouth, that it’s actually filled with delicious strawberry. You were expecting one thing, but at the last second, you got something different. Your gut reaction (you can’t help it) might be disappointment. Caramel and strawberry are both great, though! Your “disappointment” or “frustration” derives from the dissonance in your mind between expectation and reality. Your taste buds and pleasure centers were trained and prepared for chocolate-covered caramel. They got chocolate-covered strawberry instead. Does that negate the yumminess of the chocolate? Does that mean the chocolate was “ruined”? Of course not!
From the first time your man discovered he could pleasure himself (spoiler alert: many years before he met you!) the male brain is thoroughly trained to expect a specific sequence of sensations during orgasm. Men don’t naturally ruin themselves. And, assuming your man had other girlfriends before you, (just keeping it real, ladies… he probably did) couples usually don’t ruin the male orgasm during typical, natural, fumbling, instinctive sex. So your man may have never experienced the sensations you are about to give him. His pleasure centers are deeply tuned to expect caramel, every time, and you are about to show him strawberry. He can’t help but be surprised by the taste, even if you tell him it’s coming. Does that make strawberry “bad”? Of course not! Strawberry is great! It’s just different.
The benefits to providing a cuckold a ruined orgasm are:
- 3, 5, even 10x duration of intimacy compared to intercourse
- multiple (abandoned) orgasms for the male through repeated ruin
- deeper intimacy through the communication required
- reinforcement of roles through the power/authority exchange required
- relieves sexual tension for the cuckold but keeps him aroused and attentive
So please, please, PLEASE don’t feel bad about ruining your man’s orgasm! The word “ruin” has so many negative connotations. It’s a terrible word for what’s really happening. It’s doing terrible damage by discouraging loving couples from trying this wonderful activity. I didn’t pick the word, but I use it, because that’s the word everybody else uses, so at least we know what we’re all talking about. Some people use the phrase “touchless orgasm” instead – better, but still not perfect.
I say: Focus on the word “orgasm”. Orgasms are unequivocally GREAT! You are giving him a special kind of orgasm! That’s a GOOD thing! What’s so special about it, you ask? Well…
Ruined Orgasms = Extended Pleasure
I’ll get to how you achieve ruined orgasms a little bit later. But first, why? What’s the benefit of a “ruined” orgasm over a “regular” one?
Ruined orgasms trigger a slightly different sequence of physical, emotional, and hormonal reactions in the male body. All of this is involuntary. It’s a reflex, and all men have it. Just like normal orgasm, he can’t control it. Whereas a normal orgasm causes him to go limp and enter what doctors call the “refractory period” where he is no longer motivated to have sex, a ruined orgasm has the opposite effect – it causes him to stay hard, fully aroused, hyper-energized, and HIGHLY motivated to have sex.
Yup! He gets to have an orgasm… immediately followed by MORE pleasure!
The Physical Effect, Explained
In a normal orgasm, the male hits his peak of pleasure, then comes crashing down in a wonderful, violent torrent of release, followed by an involuntary rest-and-recharge time called the “refractory period.” Powerful muscle contractions fire bursts of pent-up cum from his body. He feels a warm, satisfying wash of hormones. Then his cock goes limp and his entire body instinctively commands him to rest and recover. It’s over for now. No more sex, for either of you.
In a ruined orgasm, the male hits his peak of pleasure, tips just barely over the edge, but the violent crash is not triggered. It’s not triggered, because the expected physical stimulation is absent (more on that, later). Weak muscle contractions struggle to squeeze the cum from his body. Instead of firing bursts, he leaks out. He feels an electric tremor throughout his body, distinctly different from the warm wash of a normal orgasm, but still intensely pleasurable. Importantly, the sense of “satisfaction” never triggers. He had an orgasm, and he unloaded some cum, but he feels “unfinished.”
He’s still rock hard, and he wants more. He NEEDS more. Your night is just getting started…
Vanilla couples can certainly explore this practice as well, but it’s a mandatory bit of kit in the toolbag for a cuckold couple where intercourse is intended to be primarily for the boyfriend but the cuckold couple still need their own marital intimacy and the cuckold needs periodic release.
Exactly How To Ruin A (Full) Orgasm
Okay, you’re sold on the idea. Now… how do you do it?
The core concept is actually very simple. If “10″ is his point-of-no-return (the point at which his reflexes kick in and orgasm becomes inevitable), then you want to take him to “10″ exactly… then let go, back off, and cease all stimulation. As long as he doesn’t touch himself, his reflexes will carry him through a ruined orgasm. Mission Accomplished!
Like this:
denying all sensation just before spurting is the goal
The chastity device indicates his releases are very controlled and may only happen on a particular schedule, or events like following his wife’s dating. Enforced chastity can be necessary if the cuckold lacks self-control and has masturbation habits which have him focused on himself rather than on his wife.
A wife taking responsibility for his release schedule (from chastity and/or release of orgasm) is appropriately seeing to her duties as a dating wife to ensure the proper care and feeding of her cuckold and is taking an active part in the retraining of the role his penis must have in the marriage.
Sounds easy enough. It’s an art, though, and there is a difference between a good ruined orgasm and a great one. To bend your man’s brain and give him truly epic ruined orgasms, you need to know his body very, very well. You need to study his specific sequence of escalating physical pleasure signals, to identify the first possible moment in the sequence where you can let go and cause him to still cascade through climax. Arched back, tensed muscles, grunts, whimpers, pulsing cock, retracted balls – every man has his signals. Watch closely while you pleasure him. Study your man. Learn your man!
While she clearly enjoys her authority to limit her cuckold to spurting rather than intercourse, and a ruined spurt over a full orgasm, she seems to handle it mechanically as though the rules agreed to grant him this spurt. The interaction with the camera would be expected when they were told to share the documentation of her cuckold’s release with the third person in the throuple.
Throuple: a committed relationship containing three people.
Ideally, the combination of communication from him – the utterances he makes – the words he’s trained to use, plus how she feels his erection swell, the head swell, should tip her off to release his needy erection about 5 seconds sooner. If semen emerges while the erection is still getting direct sensation, it’s too late for perfect.
I’m sure some of the cuckolds reading this – and wives – are taking note of above average dimensions of that erection she is denying intercourse and thinking… why would he be a cuckold? Some of you know the answer to that: being a cuckold, being a hotwife, is a role and often just who people are meant to be instead of the expectations society forced on them. The second couple I was involved with was like this couple. His erection was practically identical to mine – same length, thickness, pronounced head atop the cock. The only difference… my cock wasn’t her husband’s cock and mentally, denying him the use of a perfectly adequate cocktail to enjoy another in front of him was much more rewarding for them both than the vanilla use of his erection.
Especially if this wife has gone black only and the husband’s penis is denied regardless of whatever qualities it possesses. In practice, even a full-sized cock capable of sufficient stamina to get his wife over the edge more often than not will being to fail after she starts dating. The act of dating and choosing another male tends to create a hyper-excitement in the husband that robs him of what stamina he once had. Combined with just a bit of verbal, let alone physical teasing, and that stamina can drop from 100% of what it was pre-dating, to just 20% with just a few weeks of dating and at that point, a cuckold isn’t providing (mutually beneficial) sex, he’s just masturbating himself with her body and what dating wife deserves that…?
Timing
It is a common misconception that you should let go “at the last possible second.” That’s wrong, and it’s the easiest beginner mistake to make.
That’s a mistake! That’s NOT the best possible ruined orgasm! (It’s still an orgasm, so don’t feel bad about it… but you can do better)
Instead of letting go “at the last second” you actually want to let go as early as possible.
You want him to hang, untouched, on the verge of climax, for as long as physically possible, before his body reflexively sends him over. Do it correctly, and his cum should just dribble out, under weak contractions.
See the difference? Especially that last one. See how long he “hangs” without any stroking, before weakly tipping over? That tiny eternity feels fucking glorious to him! With lots and lots of practice on your man, you want to extend that “hangtime” to be as long as possible.
Practice Makes Perfect
With good communication, you can find the perfect timing together, by working your way “backwards” from the moment of his orgasm. Start by having him tell you, out loud, when he hits what he believes to be his point-of-no-return. Back off at exactly that moment (the urge to keep touching him will be VERY strong – you must resist the urge!).
That’s pretty good (and, of course, it feels amazing for him!) but you can do better. Men always misjudge their own point-of-no-return. It’s probably long before he says it is.
The problem is: He’s in a mindless pleasure-trance. (you put him there!) So he’s not the most reliable person right now. In order to find his true point-of-no-return, you need to study the cascade of physical reactions happening in his body in the precious seconds before he calls “stop.” Then, night after night, progressively work your way backward through that cascade, stopping sooner and sooner, on your own (without him telling you when to “stop”), until you find the point where he doesn’t climax at all. Then, night after night, slowly and very carefully work your way forward again, until you find the point where he lingers for 5 to 15 seconds, untouched, before leaking uncontrollably. Then, night after night, re-test that same exact point, and tiny variations around that point, until you have him totally “figured out.”
Congratulations! You now know how to destroy your man – how to make him cum with maximum pleasure, without ending your night of fun – how to utterly and completely fuck him up in the best possible way! When he regains consciousness, I promise he will thank you, with pure awe and love in his wide, exhausted eyes.
Outercourse
Below we have a demonstration of outercourse. In this case, we see the male masturbated by direct contact with her sex without penetrating it. This outercourse ends in a full orgasm for him given the full contact and stimulation against the frenulum but could have also easily ended up abandoned. Once a wife can be confident in her “penis-wrangling” and prediction skills, she could take the erection inside her for short stints to add to the edging – unless of course he no longer permitted inside at all.
“Leaking” is an excellent signal that you’ve done everything right. But every man is different, every night is different, and every orgasm is different. You might do everything exactly the same way, every time, and one time your man might leak under weak contractions; another time he might fire untouched bursts of cum, like a seemingly normal orgasm. On different nights, he might leak different amounts. One night might look like this:
Basically… the power of his “cumshot” is a clue to help you know if you’re doing it right, (weaker is better) but it’s not the entire answer. This is human sexuality we’re talking about here… Everything is subjective, hard to describe, and seems to change for no reason on a daily basis. Want to know if you ruined him right? Ask him! Then, try something slightly different, and ask him about that, too!
Another huge clue that you’re “doing it right” will be in his refractory period – or lack of one. After a typical good ruined orgasm, his cock should not “wilt” at all. He should stay aroused, erect, and eager for more action – although he might be painfully oversensitive for 1-3 minutes.
It’s also worth nothing that a couple who practice this – as they must ruining – can also orgasm together while she masturbates her clit against the trapped erection.
Notes And Tips
Restraints help a LOT! He will desperately crave that familiar sensation of “satisfaction.” In a mindless craze, he might reach down and try to finish himself with his hand, ruining all the hard work you did together. It might be nearly impossible for him to resist this instinctive urge. Don’t blame him or get mad at him if he does. Just tie him down, so it never happens again.
This is more advanced ruining that combines bondage and light CBT (cock, ball torment) to enhance the experience for both. With the tension on his bound testicles, the ache moderates his pleasure, making him work harder to earn release. Handling his testicles can excite him more if not done firmly, so be sure to know which side of the coin you want to land. Being more firm with them than is pleasurable helps prolong his session and even pause it if used to take him back to being limp before starting over.
Give him a short break, then go at it again – that’s kind of the whole point of this. Ride him, suck him, stroke him, whatever you want. Ruin him again and again, if you like. If he’s able to stay hard, yet his stamina is miraculously 1000% better, then you definitely ruined him right.
Which brings me to my final note: You can absolutely ruin your man multiple times in one night. Do it!! There’s no real refractory period, remember? He stays unsatisfied and desperate for more, remember? He stays erect and physically able, remember? That’s pretty much the perfect formula for multiple orgasms. It’s one of the only ways that men can achieve that elusive wonder which comes naturally to some of us lucky women. So give him a treat! Ruin him once, give him a minute or two to recover, then ruin him again! And again! And again! As long as you give him a few minutes’ break between sessions, (and don’t fuck up the technique) you can pretty much keep ruining him all night long. He will eventually run dry and start “shooting blanks” – exhausted cock throbbing weakly, but nothing coming out – that’s probably a good time to stop. Conversely, it’s a GREAT time to hop on his hard, empty dick and ride yourself silly. Your call!
Ruined Orgasms As Part of Tease and Denial
Many couples who practice edging, tease, and denial integrate ruined orgasms into their play. My husband and I definitely do – it’s pretty much essential to us. Different couples will define “denial” in different ways. You can define denial for yourself. But my definition of denial means I control my husband’s orgasms. I allow him to have orgasms, but he can only have them on my terms. That means… when I want him to have a “full” orgasm, I give him a “full” orgasm. The rest of the time? I either tease and deny him, or I ruin him. He never knows what I plan to do until I do it.
The practice of a wife taking and having control of the cuckold’s penis this way is essential in cuckolding to ensure his attention and to ensure marital intimacy not only continues, but expands along with the cuckolding.
And no one said he needs to spurt at all. In fact, routine edging adds to the intensity of arrival whether than edging was in that moment or cumulative over that day or several days. Such use of a cuckold’s penis trains him to not have expectations for his penis or his orgasms – he has to trust it all to his wife – and/or her boyfriend, depending on his level and extent of influence.
Thus, every time he feels himself hitting the point-of-no-return, he experiences a delightful flash of uncertainty – a moment of pure submissive defenselessness and surrender – because his most basic male involuntary reflex is now under my complete control. I can choose to “finish” him. Or I can choose to “ruin” him. He gives that choice to me, willingly, lovingly, every time. It is his love letter to me – the single greatest gift he is physically capable of offering – and I cherish it. I respect it. I handle it with utmost love and care. And it makes me a fuller, more confident, more satisfied, happier woman. It makes our marriage stronger, and I adore him for it.
I strongly encourage any couple who plays with edging, teasing, or denial to try ruined orgasms (if you haven’t already). Learn them. Master them. And add them to your arsenal of pleasures. You both will thank me!!