Are You Exciting Enough For Her?

You can be rich, good-looking, and even have a large penis, but if you’re boring, none of that matters.

Men are often thought to be thrill seekers. Yet, women more often fit the categories of reward-seeking, novelty or sensation-seeking, and openness to experience. Anything we do to obtain pleasure, satisfaction, or approval from others is ‘reward-seeking.’

Novelty seeking (or sensation seeking) is a personality trait that refers to a tendency to pursue new experiences with intense emotional sensations. It is a multifaceted behavioral construct that includes thrill-seeking, novelty preference, risk-taking, harm avoidance, and reward dependence.

Psychologist Marvin Zuckerman says, “Sensation seeking is a personality trait defined by the search for experiences and feelings that are varied, novel, complex, and intense, and by the readiness to take physical, social, legal, and financial risks for the sake of such experiences.”

Individuals high in Openness to Experience are broad-minded and have a willingness to try new things (LePine, 2003).
Novelty gives us a surge of dopamine, the reward chemical, which means that our brains naturally seek it out. Novelty triggers the same brain areas as the early stages of romance, causing a rush of neurotransmitters, which is why women often crave novelty, newness, and openness in relationships.

Sharing a new, adrenaline-producing activity with someone, especially someone new, sparks passionate feelings. Some people call this New Relationship Energy. NRE is the glowing, exciting, bubbly feeling of being exhilarated by and elated with a new partner.

Skydiving, mountain climbing, and car racing are examples of thrill-seeking for men. For many women, having sex where they might get caught or having sex with multiple men or strangers is thrill-seeking.

When interest in sex starts to wane, exposure to a new or novel partner has a way of bringing it back. It’s called the Coolidge Effect, inspired by President Calvin Coolidge and his wife’s visit to a chicken farm.

“Mrs. Coolidge, observing the vigor with which one particularly prominent rooster covered hen after hen, asked the guide to make certain that the President took note of the rooster’s behavior. When President Coolidge got to the hen yard, the rooster was pointed out, and his exploits were recounted by the guide, who added that Mrs. Coolidge had requested that the President be made aware of the rooster’s prowess. The president reflected for a moment and replied, ‘Tell Mrs. Coolidge that there is more than one hen.’” (Hatfield and Walter, 1978)

Men know that having sex with a new woman is usually an exciting experience that often makes their penis harder and boosts their ego. Women can experience more lubrication and vaginal tenting when with a new lover.

One study of heterosexual men found that, after watching pornographic clips featuring the same actress over several days, exposure to erotic material featuring a new actress was linked not only to faster ejaculation but also to the release of more active sperm. This suggests that the Coolidge Effect may have an evolutionary explanation, as it might increase men’s odds of reproductive success with new partners.

The Coolidge Effect has also been documented in females. Research on women has found that, like men, they show a degree of habituation in response to repeated presentations of the same erotic stimulus. This tells us that the Coolidge Effect isn’t a uniquely male phenomenon.

Research suggests that declining sexual interest in a long-term partner and being excited by or desiring a new partner (or partners) is to be expected rather than a sign that there’s something wrong with you or your relationship. Many men worry about and have preconceived notions about a woman’s sexual body count, yet often take pride in their own sexual body count.

The desire for monogamy is often the primary cause of failed relationships. When a spouse or committed partner engages in sexual activity outside of the relationship, it is seen as a betrayal rather than a natural human experience.

Entering into a committed relationship doesn’t mean you will no longer find others attractive and want to get to know them, and sex is something people do. Your wife or husband can have sex with someone else, but it doesn’t mean they love or desire you any less.

Some couples decide early on to have a consensually nonmonogamous relationship, which allows each partner the freedom to engage in sex with others, which often promotes well-being and more happiness within the primary relationship.

Couples can avoid boredom in their committed relationships by engaging in open relationships, swinging, or participating in threesomes, foursomes, or moreomes. Novelty breeds sexual excitement. Research has found that long-term couples with the most intense feelings for each other engage in exciting new activities, especially with others.

You can spark sexual excitement by bringing a new partner or new partners into your relationship, too. This is one key to keeping passion alive in your relationship if you choose to do so.

Once you promise monogamy to someone, having sex with someone else is often considered cheating, which is why many couples choose to be non-monogamous. Cheating means breaking the rules, specifically sexual infidelity. Many people do not understand that those involved make up their own rules in any relationship.

Having sex with someone else doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the marriage; it means you’re human. You may just wish to experience things you can’t at home. We all experience fear of missing out (FOMO) from time to time, and that’s okay.

FOMO is connected to low self-esteem, identity issues, and even childhood trauma, and casual sex can be fun and even boost self-confidence. People struggle to find purpose in their lives and often wonder if they are making a difference in the world or leaving a legacy.

We all wonder what the purpose of life is. Could it be to find out what we don’t like? Is it to find out what we do like? We all have a purpose in life, yet many of us never know what that purpose is. Although men’s feelings are talked about less often, men and women have feelings, and we all want to feel good about ourselves and our lives.

Many men will focus on themselves to earn more, look better, and live on their terms, yet many find that something is still missing. Women are often put down for their high number of sexual partners, but men frequently feel resentment and jealousy because they usually have very few lifetime sexual partners.

Boredom is often regarded as a trivial and inconsequential emotion, but recent studies have demonstrated that it can have a profound impact on our well-being, productivity, and even our health. Boredom can arise from unmet expectations or discrepancies between our desires and reality.

Boredom can encourage one to seek novel experiences, discover new interests, or challenge oneself to learn and grow. Men who are not as adventurous tend to seek out sexual gratification, which is not a bad thing. What turns boredom into depression is rejection.

The reason men, as opposed to women, are praised for having a high number of lifetime sexual partners is that women are the gatekeepers of sex, and getting sex, for some men, is more challenging than some people think. Men hope to get laid; women know they can.

Women can have sex with ten men in a day, whereas many men never have sex with ten people in their lifetime. Most men do not experience FOMO; they don’t fear missing out, they do miss out. Some men believe they are forced into celibacy.

Men, unlike women, will often settle for what they can get. Meanwhile, women constantly look for the next best thing. Women experience the urge to seek new experiences and new things to buy continually. New experiences are usually linked with rewarding feelings.

People get bored quickly and no longer want to think about things that require effort; they crave new, easy, and rewarding experiences. Sex for women can be easily obtained. Men, on the other hand, see getting sex as a chore, one that often has little return on their investment.

We, as humans, crave novelty and excitement, which is a physiological state of arousal. Physiological sexual arousal in women involves both genital (i.e., vasocongestion, vaginal lubrication) and nongenital responses (e.g., increased heart rate, sweating, pupil dilation, hardening and erection of the nipples, and flushing of the skin).

Psychological arousal causes a person to want sex, and physical arousal causes physical changes that make it easier for a person to have sex. Low physiological arousal is a subjectively aversive physiological state associated with emotions, including boredom, sadness, numbness, and emptiness.

Women who experience high psychological and physiological sexual arousal tend to want sex and crave novelty more often. This is not a bad thing. Women who experience high psychological and physiological sexual arousal are usually more open to casual sex as well as friendships with benefits.

A woman who experiences high psychological and physiological sexual arousal can be a good wife, but she may desire a nonmonogamous relationship. Men who experience high psychological and physiological sexual arousal are much the same.

Men who experience high psychological and physiological sexual arousal are less apt to experience sexual difficulties or dysfunctions. They do not see times when they can’t get an erection as a characteristic of themselves. They see it as something that happens occasionally and nothing more.

Anxious men who experience low psychological and physiological sexual arousal tend to think of every instance of difficulty as a sign of a long-term internal or external problem, either physiological or psychological. They constantly worry about their performance, STIs, unwanted pregnancies, or if they measure up.

Arousal is the product of excitatory and inhibitory tendencies. Sexual Inhibitions and religious or personal beliefs can cause men to suffer many sexual dysfunctions. Differences in men and women boil down to their tendency to become sexually inhibited or sexually excited.

People who are sexually inhibited can’t enjoy sex even when they get it. They feel guilty or worry about their performance. They have trouble not thinking while having sex. Sex should be a mindless act. It should be fun! You can’t think about the dishes or your bills while having sex.

High sensation seekers tend to seek high levels of stimulation daily. They get bored easily and thrive on novelty. They are thrill-seekers and enjoy adventure. Women who are high sensation seekers tend to be nonmonogamous; they prefer multiple partners.

Men who are high sensation seekers tend to seek adventurous thrills such as skydiving and race car driving. Sex, for most men, is not an adventure; instead, it is usually just pleasurable. That is not to say men don’t want novelty, too. They do! What makes a woman a thrill to a man is what she is willing to do for him or let him do to her.

A woman who sucks and swallows and likes anal is a rare find. This is a woman most men will find valuable. The more a woman is willing to do sexually, the more time a man will want to spend with her.

Women who enjoy sex want sex, and the men they have sex with don’t have to spend money on them. Sex is enough for these women; everything else is seen as a bonus. Some men can enjoy sex with certain women and appreciate that they always see them at their best. Others are not so lucky.

Many men will do everything they can to provide for a woman, and it will never be enough. It’s not enough to just provide and protect; you must also offer excitement and adventure.