Boyfriend Integration

Integrating your wife’s boyfriend into your family can be part of your lifestyle.

It may be of benefit to readers to read ‘Family Friendly Cuckolding‘ (opens in a new tab/window) before continuing on here to have some additional perspective on the topic before continuing.

Just as the idea of a husband openly embracing his wife taking a lover once seemed unimaginable, so too does it seem impossible to consider the wife’s boyfriend spending quality time with the wife, including overnight stays, in the marital bed. This is especially true for couples with children who fear their lifestyle could have a very negative impact on their children, but the reality for most couples can be quite the opposite.

• Kids from a cuckold/hotwife marriage who aren’t afforded a window into that relationship are left to needlessly suffer the same struggles of self-discovery as their parents

As a society, we tend to hide or lie about anything that would be shameful if known. Having a loving, communicative marriage that is capable of this lifestyle is anything but shameful. A couple who have transcended the confines of an artificially restricted social/sexual paradigm can and should be proud of their marriage and lifestyle.

It only makes sense to be conservative about the practice of extramarital relationships at first; neither of you know exactly how well it will go, how far it will go or how long it will last. For couples who find themselves involved long-term with a second male (boyfriend) who has clearly added significant enjoyment and erotic energy to a marriage through  the pleasure and joy he’s brought the couple, the term ‘extramarital’ is quite obsolete as he has become part of the marriage whether you realize it or not. Realizing, acknowledging and leveraging the reality that he has become integrated into your marriage is the first step toward integrating him into the family.

Perspective

Making the boyfriend welcome at home is not just empowering for the wife, but empowering for the boyfriend. Only a foolish hotwife would refuse if the husband is willing to accept the more overt submission required when the couple recognize her boyfriend as their Alpha male in the home.

The many benefits to the wife coupling with her boyfriend at home; in the couples’ marital bed (or the living room, the kitchen, the shower, the pool) are often overlooked or discarded based on either misconceptions about the risks of a hotwife developing a deeper bond with her boyfriend, out of fear of anyone else knowing about their relationship, a desire to keep any hint of this from children – or a bit of all of the above. While these reactions are commonplace and somewhat natural in our current society, they are not necessarily the best choice, the healthiest choice or most practical choice once a wider perspective is provided.

• The bond between hotwife and boyfriend is never a risk to the marriage unless the marriage was already at risk
• Unless you openly confirm your lifestyle to others, the most they’ll be able to do is speculate and gossip – which they do anyway, regardless of the truth
• You don’t ask friends and neighbors their opinion of other important marital, financial or family decisions, so why should you care about their opinion on this?
• kids are far more resilient and adaptable than given credit for
• boys come to understand how they can be successful in a relationship whether they are the bull or the cuckold
• girls come to understand they can marry for love and not compromise being compete as a woman

Often these lessons are only partially appreciated at younger ages, but become invaluable to them as adults when these situations begin to develop. For them, the struggle to consider relationships ‘outside the box’ will come much easier and with much less anxiety.

Integration Benefits

While parents understand the concept of setting a positive example for their children in most aspects of life, many parents also draw a big red box around all topics related to sexuality. Sometimes that’s because they don’t know what to say or how to say it and for others it’s about a belief that kids should have to figure these things out for themselves.  This obviously leaves them in the same difficult place many of you reading this find yourselves in now: struggling with the reality you feel about yourselves and the perspective forced upon you by society. Setting a responsible example with regard to a healthy marital relationship that includes two males rather than one can help ensure they have a wider perspective should they face such decisions on their own one day.

When a couple invites a boyfriend into the marriage for the wife’s direct benefit and the husband’s indirect benefit, the opportunity for their children to learn invaluable lessons through observation and intuition are numerous and important.

• interracial relationships are just as valid as any other (in cases of interracial lifestyle choice)
• understanding and expressing a sexual role (whether dominant or submissive) has value
• a submissive role is no less valuable than a dominant one
• women need not choose between a stable relationship and a sexually fulfilling one
• jealousy is natural; allowing it to control you is a choice
• women should never be ashamed of their sexuality and/or the expression of it

Though a couple’s bull can be any race, I chose to illustrate this article using a black/white theme because I’ve often seen couples hide their lifestyle more because of the interracial aspect than because they have kids – or hide it from their kids more because she has a black boyfriend rather than because she has a boyfriend. This is not only racist, but completely counter to the mission of every parent to impart ethics upon their kids by setting an appropriate example.

Often the best encouragement couples not yet active in the lifestyle have is witnessing other couples enjoying success. This is another reason why public dating is so important.

Perspective Matters

Lacking other information, the natural reaction to perceived change is suspicion and fear. Most couples with children feel this lifestyle must, at all costs, be kept hidden from the children and while I would agree that children have no place being privy to explicit sexual activity, a lie by omission isn’t usually the best course either. In my own experience, what kids fear most is marital trouble. As I discuss in my “Family Friendly Cuckolding” article, even the most diligent attempts at screening this lifestyle from your kids can fail due to their keen sense of perception and observation. The key to preventing this fear as well as educating them on the value of a trusting, loving marriage is using their powers of observation in a positive, constructive manner instead of allowing it to foster fears of the unknown.

Age Considerations

Parents tend to forget to apply an ‘age filter’ when considering the reactions and perspectives of their children to such a change in the marriage. Kids have a limited sphere of ‘give a shit’ and stuff they’re simply not ready for or interested in will largely be something they care very little about.

A 7 yr old may notice the shiny new SUV and like how it looks and that they have their own TV in it now, but if you explained the hybrid motor and satellite navigation, you’re going to get the deer in headlights look, right? Same thing when it comes to the relationships of adults; they’re simply not looking at things with the same critical eye that you are.

• under 5: kids this age are oblivious to the realities of adult interactions, sexual or otherwise
• 5 – 8: have only a vague understanding of relationships, ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ are somewhat understood, but certainly not seen as something sexual
• 9-12:  have a better understanding of relationships, but still largely ambivalent about adult relationships unless perceived as a threat
• 12/15:  old enough and socialized enough to easily assume the worst about mom having a close, male friend, but young enough to learn a different perspective than that forced on them by society
• 15+: starting to learn more mature social stereotypes and though initially more resistant to such ideas, but age and reasoning allow for better processing of what they do learn.

These ages are a generalization to illustrate the differences in how kids will view a relationship change within the marriage and family and don’t reflect the individual differences in a child’s mental or emotional development.

The Importance Of Observation

Instead of allowing a child’s innate observation skills to lead them into making false assumptions, use their powers of observation to prove that you two are happier and more stable than ever because your marriage has expanded in this way. Instead of having to figure out a way to bring up the topic and discuss it in terms they’ll understand and appreciation, you allow small acts and behaviors to express that for you.

Observation begins long before children first meet the boyfriend. It begins when the couple learns to quit hiding mention of him and casually refer to him in conversations among the children. This introduces the name and the fact that he’s a friend to both mother and father. The casual reminder by the husband of his wife having lunch with ‘him’ on Saturday, for example, demonstrates that he’s someone the father is comfortable with his wife being alone with.  This behavior opens the idea of the wife’s dating behavior without it even seeming like dating.

When children are exposed to the couples’ shared excitement during the planning and anticipation of this ‘friend’ coming to dinner, they become part of that excitement and see such an event as something positive rather than foreboding and they subconsciously attribute more importance to this guest.

When he arrives, the husband welcomes him, shakes his hand and eagerly welcomes him into the home. Once introduced to the kids, the wife can make her entrance, assured that all are gathered together. With her family gathered together, a hotwife should welcome her boyfriend in an uninhibited manner. She should press her whole body to his, kiss him passionately, and welcome his embrace of her while they kiss. This behavior is necessary for the boyfriend and the kids.

• from the kids’ perspective, such a greeting is obviously far more than a casual welcome
• from the boyfriend’s perspective such a greeting, in front of the entire family, is an open demonstration of the couples commitment and the husband’s support

The boyfriend will have been prepared for this welcome through the coaching the wife gives him prior to the event, but experiencing it for himself will be very empowering and give him an immediate sense of welcome. The second part of that welcome is how the hotwife has chosen to dress for dinner with him present. When a boyfriend arrives at the couples’ home, he’s going to be on ‘high alert’ because it’s awkward at best (at first) and potentially dangerous if she’s not been entirely honest about her husband’s support for this. The best and most effective way of dealing with this is to make sure her boyfriend can’t mistake the welcome he’s given when he arrives.

It should be the wife who initially answers the door and welcomes him in. Directly behind her, a few feet, to not seem protective or intrusive, should be the husband, smiling and happy to see him. With him should be the kids so you are seen to be welcoming him into the home as a family.

How She’s Dressed

Families have guests from time to time. Most often it is other family or friends of the parents’. It must be apparent from how the wife is dressed – and from the obvious time and effort put into her getting ready, that this is not one of those occasions. This simple act communicates numerous facts to different parties without a word needing to be said. The boyfriend, being welcomed into the home, sees his girlfriend clearly dressed to appeal to and arouse him – something a woman would never do in front of her husband if he’s not 100% supportive of what’s going on. Could this cause some anxiety for the wife and mother who has not dressed very suggestively at home before? Perhaps, but how do you think the husband feels in terms of anxiety when welcoming the boyfriend into the home? Share the effort.

 

In the first example above it’s easily noticed that her breasts are bare beneath the knit dress, yet they are not overtly displayed. Her body is displayed only teasingly through the weave of the dress and her panties are slightly visible. This is definitely not something mom wears for dinner when the neighbors are over for dinner and definitely not something a woman wears for a man she’s not intimate with or not wanting to be intimate with.

Casual Intimacy

To properly leverage the situation, the hotwife and her boyfriend must be aware of and in the practice of observing small acts of casual intimacy. These can be things like how close she stands to him when talking to him, touching one another in a lingering way and openly flirting. These things have to be forced at first since instinct dictates that a wife and a boyfriend display as little affection as possible around others, but in this scenario, these acts, performed while the husband is present, reinforce the observation of these acts as casual and natural given the husband’s presence and lack of reaction to them.

In the example above, left, her boyfriend arrived on time to pick her up for their date, but she was running behind schedule. She did the right thing by going to him and greeting him properly as she was. Doing so without her husband present would have been inappropriate as it could be assumed she only responded that way because he wasn’t present. To do so with him present reinforces that he sees this behavior as natural and expected leaving the kids to assume the same.

Being comfortable in various states of undress around him should be relatively simple by this point as she has had to learn to dress appropriately as a hotwife to meet his expectations and to communicate both their intimacy and her husband’s support of their bond through that behavior.

Taking The Integration Path

Each couple/family will have their own timeline to this and their own variations, but the process and the necessary ‘moving parts’ will be common to most couples taking this path.

Family Introduction

The first stage is introducing the boyfriend to the family. Expressing casual intimacies, remaining outwardly calm and ensuring she’s dressed in proper hotwife attire for her boyfriend are all very important at this stage.

Dating Out

Dating out builds on the foundation established after the boyfriend has spent a time or two at the home. Casual mention of the upcoming date communicates the couples’ shared excitement for the pending date removing any doubt the husband is supportive. Dressing in an outwardly appealing manner removes doubt about the intimate nature of the relationship (for older kids). The father’s presence and calm exterior make it seem business as usual.

Dating In

Inviting the boyfriend to dinner without plans for a public date afterward is the next stage in making the boyfriend’s presence a more integrated part of family life.

After dinner, the cuckold should focus on cleaning up dinner, perhaps with the assistance of the kids, allowing the wife and her boyfriend to have a few minutes of time together to discuss how things are going and remind each other of the importance of expressing casual intimacies. In early stages, the wife and her boyfriend won’t go to bed until the kids are not present (either because they are younger and in bed, or because they’re older and doing their own thing).

As these nights become more routine, it could be expected that the boyfriend will decide when he’s ready to take her to bed and will simply do so, leaving the husband to tend to the children, if needed.

Overnight

Don’t fear overnight stays. One of the biggest benefits to having the boyfriend welcome in the home is removing late night driving by your wife or her boyfriend – especially if drinking was involved. This also extends to when the boyfriend is at your place. It’s a good opportunity to explain to the kids that there was drinking last night and he was in no condition to drive and that’s why he’s still there and joining you for breakfast.

Sleeping arrangements can vary a lot. Even in a king-sized bed, three adults don’t often fit well asleep in it given the tossing and turning. If that works, great, if not, perhaps room can be made in the master bedroom for a daybed or recliner to give the cuckold a comfortable place from which to observe the coupling and remain in the room overnight.

Answering Questions

Parents are often terrified of the questions their kids might ask. The rule of thumb is to keep answers simple and direct to the point of the question. Younger kids’ questions are usually very basic in nature and easily deflected if inappropriate. Older kids are unlikely to ask questions they already have answers to – answers you’ve provided silently through behaviors like their expression of casual intimacies.

The second or third time I was over for dinner with that couple mentioned earlier, their daughter asked me  “Are you my mom’s boyfriend?”  She was obviously not asking it in an accusatory tone, but rather as a curious kid who had no idea of the sexual connotation of an adult woman having a boyfriend. I simply asked her if that was ok with her without actually answering the direct question. “I guess so,” she said with a shrug.

If you have done well expressing this relationship in your behavior, kids will have little need for asking questions because they will intuitively understand the important lessons through observation. When they do ask questions, be honest, but limit yourself to answering the question in its most basic form.

Caveats

An article like this has to contain a rather significant cautionary caveat that every family situation, every couple and every child is different. To discuss your unique situation, stop by the chat to start a discussion with me.