Experiment: Pt. 9

As said before, there definitely is some difficulty. Kind of hard explaining exactly. But prior to all of this, what made the lifestyle easier is the fact that i did get to watch them almost 100% of the time, except on certain occasions when they wanted alone time. So i was able to watch and share that with them. And i was able to share in the growing process of their relationship. But now, i only get to watch maybe 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes only 1, and so there is a gap between what i see between them one week compared to the next. I almost feel out of place.

It’s still wonderful and beautiful to watch, but there is just a sense of unfamiliarity which kind of made it a little awkward to watch them at first. Especially when they had just got back from the honeymoon. They had grown so much as a couple that when i watched them, it felt like i was infringing on them. So as far as all of that, there is some difficulty, but at the same time, everything about the lifestyle and their relationship still captivates me. And since I don’t watch as often it all captivates me even more so because I’m always curious to see how much they have changed as a couple from the previous time I watched.

Her and I have recently talked more about the relationships, and I asked her if she still felt the same way she did 3-4 months ago or if she felt like her and I could ever go back to our prior arrangement together as a regular couple.
She thought about it for a sec and said, “You know, what you and I had prior to all of this was wonderful. I loved it and it will always be a part of me. However, if I am sorry to say because I do not want to hurt your feelings, but what I have found with [him] is much deeper and something I never thought possible. You have been amazing through all of this, and a large part of me still does not understand the appeal you have of seeing your gf or wife be with another man. It throws me off sometimes but i love the relationship you and i have, and i still feel the same way about not wanting a divorce. But because of all of this, we have found something that is quite amazing and what i have found because of it all is something i want to keep for a very long time. If [him] and i were to break up it would be devastating and i would eventually have to move on, but it would have to be with someone new. I’m afraid the relationship you and i have developed has really grown on me, and i have really grown to appreciate and attached to it. I do not feel, or see myself wanting that to change. What you and i had before all of this i do not believe is possible again. Nor do i feel that i would even want to pursue that for you and i. I would much rather we just remain the way we are as really good friends and continue this journey as we have right now.”

I already knew what she was saying, was true. As said before in previous posts, I can see it for myself. But to hear her put it so thought out and precise was completely different. Everything she said was both a bit of pain, beautiful, and arousing all wrapped in one, and it really caused my head to spin with thoughts, “what-ifs” and future tripping. And I told her that. I also told her there is still a part of me that doesn’t fully understand my desire of wanting to see her with another man. However, I still cant stop it. Even back a year ago when I knew she was falling for him, I wanted that. And I am happy that they are where they are, now. And though it is hard at times, i told her it still makes me happy that she is my wife and that i have been able to watch her grow with her relationship with him.

It has been wonderful watching her fall in love with him. And though she may never have that for me, i love knowing and watching how much she loves him. And i hope they last for a very long time.