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brucedarla
We’ve been married 15 years. About a year ago I shared my fantasy of sharing her with another man. She initially took to the idea but weeks later decided she didn’t want to go forward with it. To make matters worse, she brought it up in a fight and really made me feel like a jerk for even asking.
About us: Shes 37, I’m 42. She finished high school, I finished college. Shes very bright but didn’t have the family support to even think about going to college at the time. Shes from a divorced family where both parents cheated on each other. I’m from a stable family. She also moved around a lot as a kid, whereas I grew up in the same town. The point is, I understand the basic psychology behind why she refuses to move forward with this. We as a couple love each other greatly. I have full trust in her and she has full trust in me. I’m sure she knows I’d never leave her and I’m confident she’ll stay with me.
I’m sure I have to start way back at a point prior to any discussion of other partners but where to start?
Anyone that has been through this and has had success, I’d love to hear from you.
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Luvr
Hi Bruce,
Your wife’s resistance may have as much to do with common misconceptions and false assumptions as her background does, perhaps even more so.
- You weren’t thinking it or wanting it, but the idea of sharing her, from her perspective, tends to include the inevitable idea that she’d have to share you with another woman in return. Cut that off at the pass now to make sure she knows that this is about her and not at all a ‘swinging’ thing or ‘open marriage’ – this is purely about exploring and expanding her sexuality, including new lovers, but as a couple.
- Another false assumption many wives make is that you are no longer interested in her or attracted to her – why else would you want such a thing? The answer, of course, is that this fantasy, this desire, is very much driven by her appeal to you (and others), but this has to be driven home to her.
- Self-confidence: often it can come down to how attractive she feels and how frightened she is of the potential for rejection or failure when attracting suitors.
In a way, you could be guilty of the same thing she is – making assumptions. I’d suggest some pillow talk and genuine conversation to find out a) what honestly excites her about the idea and b) what scares her or makes her reluctant.
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brucedarla
Thanks Luvr.
I was reading your reply and the open marriage one isn’t it, I should have mentioned that I assured her of this right before she agreed initially.
She knows I’m attracted to her but the third point about her self image may be a major part of the problem. She was (and as far as I’m concerned) still is a stone cold fox. But in the last few years she put on some serious weight brought on by an injury that kept her from her beloved sports, then depression set in over the weight and the slower metabolism due to the more sedentary life. I still am attracted to her as much as ever and she knows it. But she is aware of her image to others and i know it really bugs her. She was used to being a gal that got all the looks from everyone when she walked in the room but she doesnt get that anymore.
She and I have both started to lose some weight but we have a long way to go. Since I’ve always been big i dont think it affects me the same way. Plus, being a guy makes it different too. Frankly I think her depression may not be so much from not getting guys attention but from the way other women treat her. Women can be flat out cruel when it comes to looks and weight. While her injury still limits some of what she likes to do, she has gotten back to exercising in the last couple of weeks. Hopefully I can help motivate her to get out of her rut. Thanks for everything and I still would love to hear from others on the topic. I hope to update in the future with some positive gains, ahem I mean losses in the weight dept for both of us… 🙂
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bazram
Hi
I think you are right about going back some steps. Don’t worry too much aboout the false start. Think of it as a seed planted, and remember her initial reaction was positive.
Take a long view. Lavish praise and attention on her so she feels a million dollars. At the same time make sure she is meeting lots of men socially and enjoying their company and attention. It may take some time, for us it took a long time, but each step is exciting. Encourage her to widen her social horizons, at the same time subtley altering your role to make a space for an alpha male in her life. Take an interest in her appearance, clothes, hair, what she thinks of people, especially other men, try to be more of a girly friend/big brother. Practice letting her make the decisions.
After all that, when she does meet a guy she likes you can be ready to encourage her interest, cheer her on through the flirting and dating. tell her you are jealous but reassure her you are more interested in her exploring and finding herself. You have given her the space and created the right conditions but now she will be following her own heart and not just your fantasy. that is what will drive her through her shyness and inhibitions. Finally the day will come when she will tell you (not ask) that she is going to give herself to another and you can savour the first wonderful fruits of that seed.
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brucedarla
Bazram, thank you for the solid advice. She slowly is opening up on the social end. She has some issues that hinder her namely her dissatisfaction with her weight and depression. I’m there for her as her best friend . She has taken to wearing low cut tops that show off her cleavage. I can imagine the peeks her male coworkers must be getting. It is a slow process but I’m enjoying it. She will often joke about my size . She knows I enjoy that. Also the last time we had sex, she was telling me what her imaginary date with her favorite athlete would be like while I was in her. I began to tell her how I’d be across the bar watching her from a distance and it drove her wild.
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bazram
I think it’s great that you are enjoying and not rushing the process. Its a nice idea that she will be celebrating being back to fitness by enjoying a new lover.
Is she joking about your size or your penis size? If the latter would it be an opportunity to buy her a good sized realistic dildo?
I didn’t want to freak my wife out so I just put the good quality decent sized dido in a drawer in the bedroom, knowing she’d come across it. For a long time it just sat there but then one day I noticed it had been used. Now it is in very regular use. I see it all as part of raising her expectations and demonstrating that I approve of her having other cocks inside her.
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brucedarla
Luvr
bazram
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