Think wife is cheating already

Hi again,

Thanks for the replies. It is nice to see people being supportive of eachother on this site. For me this has been a difficult issue. I feel alone in that I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this. Seeing people turning what could be a bad thing in their relationship into something enjoyable is reassuring.

So, we lightly explored the topic in conversation but my wife is still reluctant to talk about it openly. However, she continues to berate my sexual performance whenever she is upset with me, or sometimes immediately after we have sex. We talked about it one evening when she was in a good mood and both agreed I was not a good performer in bed. She told me most of her past lovers lasted at least an hour and that with me she barely feels warmed up. She told me I had no stamina. I tried to explain to her that it was really hard for me to satisfy her because I had to work really hard to make it happen because my penis isn’t that big. She told me it wasn’t because of that, but I know its just because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I did some research on what women find enjoyable in a penis. I found a really good article in Cosmo. This site wouldn’t allow me to post the link (had to write this reply twice in the course of finding out) but if you google “perfect penis length girth Cosmo” you will get directed to the article. I included the size chart however. It was a bit painful when I first read it. I assumed I was a little above average but measured myself and found that I was not only in the “average” range, but that I fell just outside the range of what most women find enjoyable. I am 6″ x 4.5″. After reading the Cosmo article it took me about a month to accept that I am incapable of satisfying most women through intercourse. It isn’t an enjoyable size for most women. Deep down I always knew it. I felt like I was losing a part of myself, but I forced myself to accept it. Size matters and if you have a small penis you can listen to all the bullshit about how there are ways to make up for lack of size but for women there is no substitute for a long, thick penis. According to the Cosmo article “the “ideal” penis is 7.25-8.25 inches long and 6.25-6.5 inches in circumference”. That is over twice the size of mine. It made me think: “if my wife is cheating on me with a guy that size, then when I have sex with her it’s like a child putting on an adult’s glove”. It hurt thinking about it but everything made sense after that. According to the Cosmo article: “deemed as unsatisfying is a penis less than 5 inches long, or with a girth under 4.5 inches or over 7.5 inches”. I am 4.5″ in girth and suddenly understood where my wife was at. I really sympathized with her.

My porn preference has changed over the past year, and I recognize this is a result of realizing my wife was unsatisfied and more recently why I am incapable of satisfying her. I like watching videos of wives having sex with big, masculine, hung men. There is something so beautiful about seeing a woman feel so much pleasure. I will never be able to do that, all I can do is watch guys who can. What at first felt painful began to feel pleasurable the more I accepted that I was not capable of doing that to a woman. I used to feel threatened by seeing a man do to a woman what I can’t do. Now I just feel happy for the women. I stopped feeling pangs of jealousy for the men who I know are physically more endowed at satisfying women than I am. There is honestly something selfish about expecting a woman to have sex with you if you have a small penis and last 5 or 10 minutes. I love my wife so much and don’t want to waste her time. I also began watching interracial porn and again, felt guilty at first but accepted that I was a little in awe of how big some of the penises are how powerful the men attached to them are and how much women enjoy them. It’s so beautiful.

Before I told my wife about suspecting her of having an affair and that I was ok with it if she was, which was a couple months ago, we were not having much sex. After reading the Cosmo article it made me realize why I could barely feel anything when we did. No matter how hard I tried she didn’t react much. Unless I angled myself I barely touched the sides of her vagina. After we talked I could tell she felt very guilty, and didn’t trust that I wouldn’t use it against her. Although she was a little upset we began spending more time together and grew closer. I do most of the chores in the house, and almost all of the cooking. I was reluctant to admit it to myself but I play the role of “wife” around the house, and have for years now. She tells me how much she appreciates what I do around the house more often and has seemed more aware of hard I work. We cuddle more often now too, and are more affectionate to eachother than we have been for years.

We had sex one morning about a month ago. It had been a while. When I entered her she felt tighter than usual, like she used to feel. She felt me too. She was actually enjoying it and it felt amazing. I was reminded of what a beautiful and sensual woman she is. She is a curvy, black haired latina with a tight waist, beautiful ass and large, perfect breasts. She is like a goddess and exudes sensuality constantly. She smells incredible, intoxicating, when she is aroused. I felt so close to her again. I lasted for about 15 minutes. I couldn’t control myself. I could tell she was a little upset because she hadn’t had an orgasm yet. We cuddled for a while afterwards and I made her breakfast and brought it to her in bed.

The next day she was late coming home from work. She didn’t get home until 9. I didn’t ask why and she didn’t offer. She was in a very good mood and we put our son to bed cheerfully before watching TV and falling asleep. The next morning I felt horny and began kissing her. When I mounted her I went in effortlessly. I couldn’t feel anything. I could tell she felt awkward and tried to squeeze her vaginal muscles but after a few minutes she gave up. As I was going in and out of her I could barely feel the sides of her vagina. I could tell she didn’t feel much either and that she felt guilty. I came really quick, probably because of the adrenaline. We cuddled afterward for a while but didn’t speak.

That night she came home late again. I felt happy to have dinner waiting on the table for her. We were watching TV and I started to feel sleepy. I slipped my head under the covers and rested my head on her stomach. I was a little horrified when I smelled something strange. It was a heavy, sweet, musky smell on my wife. It took me a second to realize what it was. When I did I felt angry for a minute. I felt humiliated, ashamed and defeated. I reminded myself how hard I had worked to give up those feelings of jealousy and resentment. I have a small penis, and that isn’t my wife’s fault. It was hard, but accepted the fact that I was smelling another man’s cum on my wife and that being angry wasn’t going to help anything. As I did I felt a strange comfort wash over me while my wife stroked my hair. I let go of the shame and feelings of guilt and just cuddled with her. She needed that too. I felt ashamed again when I realized I was enjoying his smell. It was beautiful in its own way. Powerful and subduing. I tried to block the thought out of my mind but finally just let go and accepted that I really liked the smell of her lover’s semen. I fell asleep feeling so relaxed, almost intoxicated, by his masculine smell and my wife gently stroking my hair. I woke up the next morning cuddled up to my wife with the same smell and could not stop thinking about the experience. It was so powerful. It didn’t involve sex between us but I felt a closeness between us as though we had just made love. Either she didn’t know she had his smell on her or didn’t care. She may have wanted me to smell him.

Since then I have grown more and more comfortable with my wife having sex with another man. I stopped feeling any jealousy or anger about it. She feels more comfortable late at night when she is texting on her phone. She used to try to hide the fact she was chatting with someone at 11 at night. Now she does it in front of me without worrying. I even overheard her having an argument with her lover one day when he called to tell her he couldn’t meet with her that afternoon. I walked in the room and could hear his voice on the phone. It was strong, deep and masculine. It made me scared for a second, but then I realized he sounded nice. She threw her hand up to stop me from speaking and motioned for me to leave the room. I did so without hesitation.

What really helped make me feel more comfortable with my wife having sex with another man was when I realized why she didn’t want to leave. That was what I feared most, that she would leave. I have come to realize she likes our marriage because she is in absolute control of it. She couldn’t deal with someone else being in control. Again, I was afraid to admit this to myself, but I play the wife in the house and have for years. She is a very strong woman, very intelligent and career oriented. She has a very strong personality and a fiery temper and holds a 3rd degree black belt (she began studying martial arts when she was 5). I am genuinely afraid of her when she is angry. A few weeks ago we were arguing over chores (I felt rebellious in the moment) and she walked over and slapped me really hard across the face. In 7 years it was a first. It was a couple nights after I had my final acceptance of her sleeping with another man and smelling him on her. I didn’t argue back afterwards. I just apologized. I felt a rush of pleasure conceding to her. I could tell she felt satisfied having control. She apologized that night and said she felt bad. I confessed to her that I was ok with it in the future if she needed to get her point across so long as our son was not around. I have not argued with her since. I am starting to really enjoy being obedient to her. It used to make me feel angry when she expected it. I feel compelled now.

This exploration with my wife has actually started to become a beautiful experience for me. I am beginning to love her in new ways and am starting to feel happier in our relationship. Again, although the subject of “cuckolding” has not been brought out into the open it is an obvious part of our marriage now. Last Sunday I could tell she felt tired and frustrated after a long week of work and an afternoon in the park with our kid. She began texting with someone when we got home and after a few minutes looked at me straight faced without blinking and asked sympathetically if I minded if she went out for a couple hours by herself. We both knew what she meant. I told her to take as much time as she needed. She thanked me and gave me a big hug before putting on a sexy outfit and doing her hair. I felt a wave of warmth when I told her how beautiful she looked as she was leaving. She smiled and thanked me. It was the happiest I had seen her in a while. I felt really happy for her too.

She has always dropped innuendos about other men, black men, me not being man enough for this or that and of course the constant berating of my sexual performance. She’s talked about the sexual experiences she enjoyed before we were together. She told me one of her favorite experiences was being double penetrated by two guys while in college. I think the subject of her current sex life will be out in the open soon, but I am becoming more preoccupied with being a good husband than I am with trying to drag details out. I want her to feel comfortable sharing it and I am really looking forward to sharing her experiences when the time is right for her. It’s kind of silly, but I am looking forward to her being honest with me and telling me my penis is too small to satisfy her. It would have been my worst nightmare a few years ago but now it’s one of my biggest turn-ons, thinking about it. My penis is useless to her and she has no interest in it. I jerk off now thinking about her getting fucked by a man with a penis big enough to satisfy her, who knows how to use it. I am happy she is getting what she needs. I want her to feel no shame in doing so. I thought of cheating on her a couple of times myself when we stopped having as much sex, but felt too guilty to go through with it. I don’t think about it anymore because in coming to accept that I am not capable of really satisfying a woman what would be the point? What woman wants to fuck a married man with a small penis? That made me realize the celibacy aspect of cuckolding. My penis is useless. It’s good for peeing and jacking off, that’s about it. I understand now why my wife doesn’t want to play with it and hasn’t given me a blowjob in about 5 or 6 years. It scared me at first thinking about not having sex anymore, but now I accept it. I am strangely turned on by it. I am not going to be fucking my wife much any more from now on with things coming out into the open. I get so turned on by her now that it doesn’t even matter.

One of the things I want to introduce to our relationship to help bring things more out into the open is watching porn. I thought a lot about it and think the way to get my wife to open up about her feelings more is to watch porn together. I can’t satisfy her, but watching the kind of porn I think she would enjoy gives her the space to be comfortable in her sexual being around me. I want to help her masturbate while she fantasizes about the men she wants to fuck. I would love to go down on her while she is thinking about other men. I actually already downloaded videos I thought she would enjoy. Videos of married women having sex with well endowed men and black men having sex with latinas. I want her to feel comfortable sharing with me what excites her. It sure as hell isn’t my little dick.

I want to close this reply by saying thank you to the people in this group who are trying to have a healthier relationship with their partners through exploring “non-traditional” lifestyles. I felt disgusted with myself over having these feelings, especially fantasizing about my wife having sex with another man. I realize now that denying the truth or dealing with my wife’s sexual needs in an unhealthy way or feeling angry about it is the only thing that was bad. If I was a well endowed man I wouldn’t be fantasizing about my wife having sex with one. I loved feeling her when she took a break from her lover. It just isn’t enough for her however, and that isn’t going to change. I think there is something dirty about the men who force their wives to fuck other men because they get off on it and don’t give a shit about her either way. I don’t understand pre-determined cuckold relationships either. Sorry, there is something creepy about it. I am not interested in sharing my ideas and experiences with men who think like that, no offense to anyone. My wife and I fell in love and still love eachother very much, maybe more than ever. I would never have come to this place if my wife hadn’t started having sex with someone else. She needs that. It feels really good to accept it and I think these feelings are completely natural. It’s a beautiful gift of nature if you are a man with a small penis to feel so much love from your wife and to feel pleasure by your wife sleeping with a man with a larger penis and satisfying her with it. I am intoxicated by it now. I don’t feel like I have to compete anymore either, which feels relaxing. I also want to say, this was not intended as a piece of erotic fiction. If you got off on me talking about my relationship, fine, I am turned on by my wife every day and find our relationship intoxicating, but it is 90% hard work, raising a kid, paying bills and managing life’s every day problems and 10% pornographic fantasy. Ok, maybe 80/20 for her, but I think anyone looking for that out of their relationship is nuts. She is a beautiful and sensual latina princess but gets gas on occasion, asks me to rub her ovaries when she has cramps, has hard days at work and feels completely vulnerable sometimes. Sometimes, like every woman, she doesn’t feel pretty. Being a good husband means that I am always there to remind her she is, and there shouldn’t have to be anything sexual about that. I have come to understand that ultimately, being a good listener is better than having the biggest penis in the world, and makes me a better husband, which is also a big part of why men with big penises and egos don’t threaten me so much anymore. I see her side of it, and probably a lot of women’s like her. Men with big penises are great for sex, but can be a pain in the ass to be married to I imagine. It’s always too easy for them.

I am really looking forward to connecting with people here to understand this dynamic in long term relationships better. (I am even more excited to talk about it on an intellectual level with my wife eventually, who is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology). I don’t want to say “lifestyle” because my wife and I are mostly concerned with having a happy home, not revolving our life around sex. Thanks for reading. I would particularly love any advice from women or bulls. It’s more about her for me.

Thanks folks,

“Jess”