Warning to wanabee cuckolds

I wanted to add that nigel knows of what he speaks. He and his ex were regulars and featured here for a long time at one point. I also want to point out how this began for him/them. It began with her cheating. Women will cheat for usually one or sometimes both of two reasons: sexual fulfillment and emotional fulfillment. When a woman starts a relationship for sexual fulfillment, cuckolding can be the answer which resolves issues for the marriage, but when she also cheats emotionally and withdraws that bond from her husband, the marriage is already over – they just don’t know it. In nigel’s case, they simply prolonged the inevitable. In short what I’m saying is that cuckolding can’t keep a woman already intent on exiting the marriage in the marriage.

It’s good to see you back, nigel.

Nigel, I have to disagree with you and state that I believe you are over-simplifying rather stark biological realities. The instinct to socially rank ourselves is ingrained and develops throughout childhood. When we socially interact with others we (mostly) subconsciously seek to figure out if can we assert ourselves over this person, should I defer to this person or do I see us as peers? This behavior sets the foundation of what some of us choose to observe as D/s. It’s part of us – some of us are just lucky enough to see it for what it is.
Where I might agree with you is the notion of females not being dominant. In biological terms, this is true for most all mammals of which we are a part. Societal pressures have resulted in both males and females who outwardly portray dominant traits while not being dominant because a) that’s what society expects and b) law and social conformity make it possible.

Nigel-you write with huge feeling and after a difficult and traumatic experience-I can’t hope to offer sense to the same without seeming trite, arrogant or insensitive. So i’ll only reflect on my experiences and what seems to make the difference as regards a woman who wants and enjoys continuing relationships with two men, one dominant and one submissive. I don’t think its a formula about getting what she wants and an all or nothing thing about staying or leaving. I think it is mix of things so here are my ingredients. She is usually:

– intelligent, both as regards reasoning and emotions too. It sounds elitest to say that only bright women need apply to be cuckoldresses but it is nonetheless true, I think, that less intelligent women run bigger risks as do their cucks when things develop.
-mature, and by that I mean in her third or fourth decade or greater. Now young women can be cuckoldresses when the sap is high, but its often more chaotic and possibly less insightful. My guess is by these decades a woman has understood so much about change, and with luck (so rare I know) has come to cherish what she already has when she thinks about securing more.
– forthright. In many cases she has told her husband that she would like to be different, to live differently now, but still with his involvement. I guess she feels that she cannot be the woman she was at 20 and neither can her husband be that man. So she wants to be something more, to be exotic, unattainable for him perhaps, but something different with another man too. That same forthrightness by the way comes the bull’s way too. She knows her own mind and if he tries to intoxicate her too much, then she says stop, or we finish. Bull’s aren’t universally mature.
-composed, enough unto herself as well as exciting to others. She understands that to flirt is normal, to humiliate may be too, because in the end these are adjuncts to who she is and then men are as well. If I humiliate you it is because I want to do it and you respond to it in ways that please. I know who I am and in that I also know what complements me.
An effort anyway.

Jezz’s post above is one of the best i’ve read on this site. Ever. If I could add a few thoughts of my own that, to an extent, correspond to the ones he raised

1. i absolutely agree that it isn’t elitist to say that intelligent, in fact, VERY intelligent wives are best suited to cuckold their husbands. Val has an advanced degree and reads more than anyone I’ve ever known (including some wonderful literature that references cuckolding). Importantly, she’s intelligent enough that she’s never felt therapy was taboo and has used it as an opportunity to explore her feelings about having relationships with other men. i think a less intelligent woman would immediately see my happiness at being cuckolded as a prevision. While Val doesn’t claim to understand it (who does?) she respects it as part of my make up and has always impressed that i’m secure enough in myself to share that with her.
2. agree totally about maturity. i had the experience of being cuckolded by two different women in my 20s and both relationships ended with very painful, and completely unnecessary. break-ups. Why? Largely because the two young women couldn’t accept that it’s possible to love more than one man. Though. In all honesty, I contributed to it, too: as a young man i felt no small amount of confusion about being cuckolded (i didn’t know there was even a word for it at the time). i haven’t stayed in touch with either Carol or Diane, but i wouldn’t doubt that, over the years they’ve evolved from clumsy and confused young cuckoldresses into loving, cuckolding wives (at least i hope so)
3. Regarding being forthright, Val believes I need to understand her needs — even if it’s sometimes painful for me. She’s clear about her love for me, but also very clear in telling me that i’m not a suitable partner for her sexually (and in some other respects). I should add that Val is also very clear about her own needs with the men she’s slept (especially if any suggest she leave me). She’s no pushover.
4.On this point I don’t think jezz and i are on the same page. Even though Val and i both understand that being a cuckold is fundamentally humiliating, she doesn’t want to rub my nose in it as some cuckoldresses do. That said, she does things that unintentionally are very humiliating .. and, of course, i love it when she does : )

Thanks for the compliments Jim-that is very kind. Val sounds a very sophisticated lady, certainly one that has a right to have her desires respected. Reference the last point I suspect that there is a spectrum of female position on humiliation. Some cuckoldresses are definitely into active humiliation and they engineer situations where they can enjoy doing it. They seem signed up to elitist sex and see the downing of the beta male as something that really accentuates that. When they are really aroused they humiliate in private as well as public. At issue then is whether they push toe boundary too far and too fast and the husband snaps. He often needs humiliation, but you can overdose it! So when I am with a wife like that I monitor how she handles her cuck in public. I like the put downs she uses on him, but I might rein the worst excesses in. Its an experience thing.

Many more hotwives are more passive about the humiliation thing. As long as she is getting serviced by the better able and better equipped male, she doesn’t go looking to rub cuck’s nose in it. Its the rut thing, the alpha male has won, cuck has stood aside, so its natural now that the victor enjoys her. She instinctively gives herself to him and knows that this shames her husband, but there is no special need to highlight it. Very intelligent women know when the analysis of the change is ended, and don’t expect husbands to go over old ground. ‘Look, Carl is fucking me now, we’ve agreed that, so let’s get on to other explorations.’ This situation still feeds the cuck humiliation need-he has a very active imagination and knows what every touch, kiss and thrust represents.

I’ll finish on a maturity point Jim. Before I highlighted the importance of the woman’s maturity but that goes for the cuck as well. Val takes what she wants, needs and deserves. But this is facilitated by your consistent love. Well done Sir. There are so few women who enjoy one sustained relationship and you gift Val two. How many women are lucky enough to have a husband who accepts that women instinctively chose and that they are perfectly capable of running with more than one mate! Jezz

Jezz, I’ve been reading with interest your recent entries in this forum. At first I was thinking, “Who is this guy who is now trying to dominate this space with his own personal ideology?” However, the more I read the more I realized you had very pertinent points to make and very useful experience in this field. I now find myself looking forward to your learned, yet lusty, comments on these cuckold matters. For wannabe cuckolds like myself, you certainly wet my appetite to continue to nudge my pretty, flirty wife along this route of becoming a hotwife. It would, at some point, be an honor to be cuckolded by a bull(if you accept that titlle) like you. I fully appreciate your articulateness and your deference to LUVR who, after all, is the mac daddy of this site. Just letting you know what one reader feels. Thanks, Mat

Hi Mat,
I have made a lot of posts true-and I think the unbridled enthusiasm could seem a tad overwhelming but bear with me-the forum is a new discovery. I guess that I thought that there would be a higher rate of posting from others and that my contributions would then seem in balance. The repost might be to challenge some of my points, or to post alternatives-the more of that the better as it makes the blog so lively. There are probably many perspectives in cuckolding, subtly different ideologies and then it is good to learn about these-arguably one of the functions of a blog.

There is a risk too that the bull position looks more domineering! But rest assured, I think about these things extra hard and I always attend to the couple’s interests as well as my own. I report experience, share reflections, I wouldn’t claim expertise necessarily. One of the attractions of this forum is that Luvr has set up a framework of respect and mutual interest in his guides. It sets a tone and that has encouraged me to post. Its then trying to use language that honestly reflects intelligent assertiveness as a bull-something most couples want. Cuckold lifestyle is about roles, and clear distinctions regarding the same. Beyond that, its hard to switch off your education too. I’ve studied a lot of psychology and am deeply interested in gender and ways of thinking. So the experience and the reflections well up! Fair reflection though and I’m glad that some of my points have seemed useful to you!