What’s In A Name?
Let’s start with a quick discussion of the term “bull”. It’s not an effort to treat a male as sub-human or as an animal. It has no racial connotation. Its origin is in ranching and farming where a bull has a single purpose – being introduced to the herd of females for one purpose – sex. So, when transposed over human complexities, it implies a male whose single role with a (married) woman is sex.
Because we’re humans, everything is more complicated. When a male first experiences a married woman, either by an affair or through the early stages of cuckolding, he is naturally a bull. There hasn’t been opportunity or invitation to be more than that, but as experience mounts, either with a single couple or iteratively with successive couples, a bull with the intellectual capacity and emotional maturity required can start to become consciously aware of the complexities involved in being the other man within a couple.
This leads to two ways the term bull might be applied within the context of a cuckolding discussion:
- a generic term for any male a wife is involved with who isn’t her husband – this is typically used when the full extent of their relationship isn’t clear
- a specific reference to a male who fulfills a sexual role only with limited emotional and intellectual involvement
Q: If a bull doesn’t remain a bull – what does he become?
A: For most couples who take this path and open themselves to the full experience, cuckolding is always a journey. This holds true over the lifespan of cuckolding as an experience for the couple as well as iteratively whenever a new bull is invited into the marriage.
Q: What if we’re happy just having our bull?
A: For a couple who simply haven’t had the opportunity to experience a bull with the potential for more, enjoy your bull(s) for they are still part of exploring this dynamic. For couples who are consciously preventing that promotion, I encourage you to question that logic and consider the benefits to a boyfriend rather than only the risks. Also, because cuckolding is a form of polyamory, there’s no real limitation from a couple having a bull or two and a Dom at the same time. A Dom who is possessive is just as unnatural as expecting a woman to repress her sexuality around men not her husband.
Q: What are the risks of a bull vs the rewards of having a boyfriend?
A: A bull has no vested interest in the wife’s own needs and by extension will have even less regard for the needs of her cuckold. This is both because he may not care, but even if he does, he hasn’t had opportunity to know more or be more involved. A bull is mostly invested in himself and is only invested in her to the extent possible to get to have sex with her. That’s a bull’s role. If you want him to treat her like something more than a bull, you have to treat him as something more than a bull.
A male starts out as a bull in most circumstances – even if the couple perceive him as more or hope he has the potential for more, trust must first be established and expanded for a bull to become more than a bull.
Especially for initiates in the lifestyle, the word boyfriend is a minefield of anxiety and misunderstanding. Early on couples tend to try to avoid the promotion of a bull to a boyfriend assuming that the bonds and familiarity which underpin a bull becoming a boyfriend are, on their own, an inherent risk to the marriage. While a discussion of why that’s not true is outside the scope of this article, I do speak of it elsewhere and for the sake of this piece will restate that a wife cannot be taken without giving herself to be taken. This is the foudation of sharing a wife – she remains her husband’s wife because she chooses to and the desire of other males to change that isn’t allowed.
The promotion to boyfriend typically creeps up on couples when the chemistry and sex with a bull is really intense and the couple find the confidence – or lack the ability to resist them seeing each other more often. Once becomes twice, becomes four or five times, and the interval between their time together decreases. When this happens, obvious attachments form, trust builds, and the wife and her bull become much more aware of each other – including their needs which intersect with their coupling, but aren’t limited to it.
- Bulls should seek that promotion because it means they are doing the right things for her and by extension, for her husband
- Couples should seek this promotion because it establishes he is invested in more than his own needs
- Recognizing a bull as her boyfriend opens the door to witnessing intimacy the cuckold may not otherwise enjoy
Q: How do I know if a bull has become or should be recognized as a boyfriend?
A: If it feels natural to refer to him that way, it’s probably time. If a couple values their bull for being trustworthy, if the husband feels secure that when she’s with him she’s safe, if the bull has been welcomed into the marital bed and/or she has spent the night in her bull’s bed, it’s likely he has earned the promotion.
Q: Why does it even matter how we refer to him?
A: One of the main reasons cuckolding is referred to as the intellectual fetish is because the sex is simply a single ingredient in a full meal. It might be the entree, but without the sides, the salad, and the dessert, it’s not a full-meal-deal. The word boyfriend is loaded with inferred meaning and is therefore valuable in a couples’ internal discussions about their bull (used in the generic form).
Important Concepts / Considerations for the Boyfriend
- Being a boyfriend is a role with influence – use that influence to their gain first and your own gain second. If you do a good job at that, their gain becomes your gain
- If they treat you as her boyfriend, you must treat her as your girlfriend – this should mean exclusivity; no one qualified to be a boyfriend has the time, money, and energy to be an effective boyfriend to more than one wife at a time – when such is the case, you are more bull than boyfriend.
- To obtain and maintain a boyfriend, a wife should invest her time and effort to be a girlfriend to you – without that return on your investment, you are being taken advantage of.
This classic example of cuckoldry documents multiple engagements lasting some time, all within the couple’s home where they can be the most comfortable and take their time. This is only possible when a bull makes the promotion to boyfriend.
Often claimed as synonymous with the previous two terms, a Dom(inant) male is the ultimate destination for a bull and for a cuckold couple. The entire reason cuckolding feels natural for us is because it more closely mimics our biology than the monogamous pairing religion has forced upon us. When a wife chooses another male sexually, she’s not simply excercising sexual selection, she’s also choosing leadership even if she doesn’t realize it. This is the reason why simply inviting another male into the marriage has the effect of ‘demoting’ the husband or overtly recognizing him as a beta male – the new male has been recognized by his wife as the alpha. How openly or consciously a couple recognizes and explores that dynamic is highly individual and often couples are ignorant of this dynamic yet within its domain.
The promotion from boyfriend to Dom, like the promotion from bull to boyfriend can often happen without realizing it, but as with overtly recognizing the promotion, being aware of the role of a Dom and choosing to consciously explore the full intent and possibilities is where the true value of cuckolding can be found. A male who is a natural leader and has earned the trust of his couple will leverage that trust and leadership to influence the couple – this is natural and expected and is a healthy sign of an unrecognized promotion.
Being bossy and selfish isn’t a quality of a Dom – such behavior is simply that of a selfish bully. This is a commonly understood dynamic in the BDSM community, but couples new to exploring themselves and this lifestyle can easily fall prey to the bossy, immature or intellectually challenged male who thinks a cock and an attitude entitle him to whatever he wants regardless of its effect on the couple’s long-term well-being.
No one starts out in cuckolding as a Dom no matter how ‘alpha’ they might be. A Dom is someone who:
- has specific experience in applying elements of leadership within a psycho-sexual relationship
- can put their own needs behind the needs of the couple when necessary for their continued well-being
- has sufficient leadership presence and skills to turn a couple’s reluctance into erotic experiences which all benefit from
I’m a Bull – Now What?
As stated previously, it’s almost always preferred to seek the promotion from bull to boyfriend and to have that promotion consciously recognized and openly referred to. When a guy meets with a wife for those first few times he is doing so as a bull (simple sexual role). If you want to be more than that you have to earn it and the couple has to give you that chance. Someone capable of being a Dom or becoming a Dom will understand how to approach that with a couple.
A bull, especially at the boyfriend and Dom level, should process interactions with a couple using an OODA loop. This applies at the macro level when meeting a new wife/couple as well as the micro-level of a date or encounter. This is a combat tested process now commonly adapted to operational and learning situations.
- Observe – Listen more than you speak; try to understand motivations and needs.
- Orient – How can you be of most value? Where do they want to be for this to have value?
- Decide – Choose actions which benefit them the most; balance their individual needs as hotwife and cuckold so both get fair outcomes.
- Act – Enjoy them – and be enjoyed; strengthen the bonds of their marriage by carefully stressing them and allowing them to recover together
Submission is a gift given; it is the result of effective leadership: convincing others to do what they are reluctant to or not naturally inclined to do. In the case of cuckolding, they are naturally inclined but that is buried under so many layers of conditioning and artificially established ego that it almost always feels very reluctant. A boyfriend looking to become an overt Dom with a couple will build trust iteratively through successfully reading the situation (Observe), choosing an appropriate outcome (Orient), convincing them it’s the right path (Decide), then adding to the tally of trust when his choice bears fruit for the couple (Act).
Even though being supported to make sexual selections outside the marriage is very empowering for wives, they often need to borrow a bit more authority to take that empowerment to the next logical step with their cuckold. Just as a cuckold feels less guild about his own role when choices are made for him, wives also benefit from a male who can direct and encourage her to express her dominant side with her husband – it’s then not her fault and the guilt of enjoying something taboo is lessened.
Chastity, CBT, Tease and Denial – all expressions of power that a Dom can introduce, refine, and provide guidance on how to apply.
Trust, the currency of reputation, is difficult to earn, easily spent, and difficult to recover from when at a deficit.
A Dom is an arbiter of fairness. He is responsible personally for the well-being of the hotwife and cuckold who have placed much responsibility in his hands. A Dom has the ability to greatly influence a couple’s behavior beyond that of a boyfriend and that trust can be used irresponsibly if not careful. There are so many options for enjoying the role of a Dom with a couple that it should be easy to find ways to enjoy the role while placing emphasis, more often than not, on their needs before you own. The point of leadership with a couple is to find the approprite paths to aligning the needs of the couple with the desires of the Dom.
Cuckolding inherently provides the potential to empower a woman as authoritative with her husband while at the same time enabling her to express her own submissive needs. This dynamic is more likley and more rewarding when the bull is a Dom and can help guide both toward that goal.
Q: I’m in good shape and don’t have a problem attracting women and want to try being a bull for a couple but I’m only average in cock size – can I still be a bull?
A: Of course you can – for some women, but all things are relative and a wife who has a cuckold who is already average or perhaps even larger, which isn’t as uncommon as cuckold porn would portray, is unlikely to prefer more of the same.
Q: What do I do if the wife falls in love with me?
A:Women are built to love more than one male at a time and love each differently. Her love for you isn’t by itself a bad thing, it just increases the pressure on a bull to do the right thing with that love and the trust and influence that comes with it.
Q: What do I do if she wants me to get her pregnant?
A: Fantasy aside, creating life is a serious topic. All three must be agreed this is the right choice and I encourage prospective sires to have a written agreement clearing the bull of all responsibility for care and child support. It’s a downer, but reality is what it is these days. It’s also a good idea to establish a period of denial for the cuckold to ensure the wife’s choice of mate is 100% accurate. This is not just to further the idea of cuckoldry, but to ensure that it’s certain which male was genetic contributor should medical history ever be needed.
Being infertile since childhood I convinced my beautiful latina wife to be to accept the joys of cuckolding and we have been lucky to find the right bulls who very lovingly have showed her the joy of having sex with more than one male partner and who have planted their seeds successfully in my wife’s and made her wonderful Mum of 4.
I have also enjoyed the elaborate mating rituals that accompanied our love making sessions and I enjoyed every minute of seeing my pretty wife enjoying another man’s sexual energy and lustful release.
Amazing article and quite illustrative of the problem we had. She had 2 bulls, but they both failed to get “promoted” to boyfriends. They were quite happy with sexual side of the relationship (for a few months), but got freaked out when they should have been promoted to boyfriend. On the other hand they were both vanilla and the entire concept was new for them.
Excellent post on a topic at the core of cuckolding. Are you a bull, a bf or a lover? As for me, I prefer to have an emotional relationship with a prospective bull, so I guess that would qualify him as being promoted to boyfriend. With this connection, I know that he is going to be respectful of my situation as a married woman, of my husband, and whether we want to be more of less open to the outside world. In that case, the word lover seems appropriate to me. What is the difference between a lover and a boyfriend?
Informative reading, and good advice.
in our situation my wifes “Boyfriend” Jeff has easily stepped into that role BUT when we have sex she still refers to him as her “Bull” for the erotic effect & does turn me on when she uses the term.
Yes, beautifully written. And I am so happy you touched on the points you touched.
The difference between a bull an a Bf. Many people here like to call a steady lover of 1 year a bull, instead of a bf.
And I like that you touched on intimacy between a bf and wife, and the mental and emotional connection and love they have between one another.
And you did a great job explaining the possibility and decision making of the bf and wife having a child together, and how that responsibility of raising the child should fall on the cuckold and wife.
I could not Agree more. I became pregnant almost 20 years ago from an affair. The cuckold and I raised our daughter over those years and it has been great!
I really envy, you, if my wife had an affair id help bring up the child with no objections.
Is this something you and your cuck would consider?
Another great article, very informative. In our case, since we started (and have been so far our main experience) as a sw couple enjoying mostly MFM or MMFM encounters, the appeal of exploring cukcolding is for her to find a man she really likes, and have a steady extramarital relationship (being a boyfriend, lover or FWB). I very much enjoy seeing her having sex with other man, Im the one responsible for contacting or finding her singles or bulls for her enjoyment. I would like for her to find her own lovers and develop a deeper connection, as I think this will bring more intense feelings for us to enjoy