I recently spoke to a husband who was struggling with his wife’s responsiveness to her bull. He has become more of a boyfriend and their bond had become obvious – as had his influence. It had been the husband’s idea, his desire, to support her sexual exploration with another male, but as often happens, she and her bull both came to embrace it and now drive the direction and depth of this exploration.

This has left this particular husband and cuckold feeling a level of anxiety that is undermining his ability to enjoy what they are experiencing together.

Cuckolding Basics

In case this is an early exposure to the open discussion of making room in the marriage for another male this way, let’s review some content that provides context and a common perspective we can share as we talk about other aspects of this experience.


basic concepts

Our Biology

it’s basic biology

Bull 101

the other male

Bull to Boyfriend

After talking for a bit and gaining an understanding their marital history and path to cuckolding to date, I found no truly fundamental problems that spell obvious disaster for them. What had this cuckold on edge – and not the good edge – was the unspoken promotion of her bull to being a boyfriend. It’s likely a line she was not that aware of either and is simply behaving as feels natural to her in these circumstances.

An Illusion of Control

Dressing to impress had always been an enjoyable aspect of her dating for her husband, but an aspect her husband had to encourage and nurture.

When she first dated her bull, she was anxious about presenting her body in public this way but her husband (rightfully) encouraged her to, as I would paraphrase it, be more woman, less wife. Being successful at creating this change in her gives her husband a false sense of control – and a level of comfort against the anxiety of what it means for her to present her breasts, her body, and ultimately her sexuality to another male.

Can you see the enjoyment in her expression offering her husband this teasing look at the view her bull is going to enjoy? This was missed evidence for her cuckold that things were already changing and his false sense of control was about to bite him.

Strike One

Suddenly – it seems to him anyway – he’s found himself on the defense because she’s dressing like this without even being encouraged.

She went out to meet her bull like this and after that it began to be her new casual look: no bra, no concern.

Her husband felt like he had to say something because this is how their neighbors and even some of their shared friends began to see her.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” – couldn’t really argue that, could he?

He perceived these choices as ones she was making but really it was a choice being made for her, just not by her husband. This transition to acting more proactively on the preferences and expectations of her bull signaled her relationship with him had entered a new phase – he’d become her boyfriend.

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Deepening Bonds

This husband had recently experienced her first overnight stay with her boyfriend. It wasn’t planned, but she did text her cuckold to tell him it was late, there had been some drinking, and she thought it best she come home in the morning. Those justifications are entirely legitimate, but it’s also just as likely her bull convinced her to spend the night in his bed.

Strike Two

Her cuckold’s thoughts were swamped by the mental images of them cuddling and asleep together as would normally be his privilege. As his arousal grew, so did his anxiety, but given his excitement, the anxiety was a bit suppressed – until he made the mistake of letting himself spurt. Then the doubts, the fears became the dominant emotion.

Strike Three

As her coupling with her bf increased in frequency, it began to diminish for her and her cuckold. This reduction isn’t always an outcome as a wife starts dating, but it is more common as a bull becomes a boyfriend. This change in intimacy was very unexpected for the husband who had been aware of this outcome for many husbands on this path but he thought that only applied to husbands who were very small hung or overtly submissive – neither of which applied to him.

When I asked what her explanation had been for preferring him erect in her hand rather than inside her, he admitted he hadn’t yet asked or complained about her coupling 4-6 times with her boyfriend to every opportunity he had. When I dug into the reason for that I found he was afraid of what the answer might be. When pressed, he shared that she had been encouraging his masturbation as his form of release after their cuddling.

“So, she deserves to be coupling with him on this frequency?” I ask him. “Yes,” is the reply.

“Would you also say he’s earned the privileges he’s enjoying?”

This line of conversation took a while to work out because he did feel he’d earned it by making her swoon and orgasm as she does, but that’s also what makes him so fearful.

Husband Out

Using the baseball metaphor, this cuckold is feeling ‘out’ at this point. He felt defenseless against the energy and excitement her boyfriend provided and despite being on sexual edge now more than ever, couldn’t shake the feeling his marriage was ultimately doomed by this experience.

All they really need is some adjustments – and some new perspective.

The Metaphor

It’s naturally understandable how a husband in this position would feel unable to compete with the excitement and energy added to the marriage through the boyfriend’s involvement. I was looking for a way to communicate that the intensity is very obvious and impactful, but not as deep as it seems.

A River Runs Deep

When we think of a river, something much larger than a stream which we can hop or wade across; we think of a body of water that tends to run deep in many places along its length yet appears calm on the surface. This calm masks the energy and strength it contains, but rest assured rivers are not easily moved and require a massive effort to stop.

The solid foundation supporting a relationship (trust, communication, shared assets, children) – whether married or not – is very much like that river. What tends to create ripples and even some white caps in that otherwise calm surface for hotwife/cuckold couples is the anxiety a husband typically encounters as the intimacy increases in frequency and/or the physical intimacy begins to develop into emotional intimacy (a bond).

Waterfalls – A Stop Along The Journey

The relationship a wife forms with her bull – and especially with a bull who develops into a boyfriend –  is a waterfall: intense, distracting, and at times chaotic.

Rivers run to waterfalls which always return to the river.

But most importantly:

A waterfall cannot exist without the river.

The Cuckold Penis

I wanted him to understand.. that.. as the river, he can’t also be the waterfall – and vice versa. This paradigm also applies to his penis – she simply can’t be as excited about his penis as she is her boyfriend’s cock. Trying to compete with the appeal and adventure of a waterfall as the river is just pointless – it’s far better to focus on what his penis, as a cuckold, CAN do for her.

I then talked him through the role of a cuckold’s penis and why it has value to a wife – and her boyfriend – even if how it provides value isn’t at all what he expected.

As a cuckold its purpose is to be erect for her, for them.


In a traditional marriage, a husband’s erection simply means arousal – which translates into a typically selfish interest in his own sexual satisfaction. In a cuckold marriage, a husband’s erection becomes a physical manifestation of his support for his wife getting her own gratification as a priority instead. This is why a wife – and her boyfriend – can value every moment a cuckold spends erect for his wife.

If he were allowed to use it on his own terms, no one would get to enjoy it for what it now communicates.

This image closely represents what he said about their cuddling – talk about her dating, lots of kissing, while she would hold him erect in her hand and encourage him to hump into her hand. Many wives don’t offset the loss of intercourse this way on their own so this was positive for him – he just didn’t realize it.

Where previously a momentary interaction might have been a kiss or a brief embrace and a hug, holding his erection in her hand this way is a silent, intimate acknowledgement that he is still her river even though the waterfall had her last and will still be the next to have her.

Empowering her to choose what is done with his erection: edging, a handjob, or nothing is the confirmation that the old paradigm of a husband’s erection defining her sexuality is now a thing of the past.

A husband who can love and support his wife this way is a man to be valued by his wife and her boyfriend.

I think it safe to say that in this case, the retraining effort for his penis has been quite a success.

Seeking Clarity

I gave him questions to ask her, framed so they wouldn’t feel accusatory, and learned through this that she did feel excitedly empowered to feel his arousal and need for her, but not give in to it as she had in years past when (paraphrasing here) his cock was authoritative in their marriage. She was also responding to her boyfriend’s interest in knowing about their marital coupling having experienced deeper passion from her boyfriend when she could say ‘no’ to the question of whether she had coupled with her husband since their last date.

She felt guilty about denying her husband because it was exciting for her and also for her boyfriend, but since he was erect so much of the time, she instinctively felt he was doing ok with it. She was partially right about that, but adjustments do need to be made in terms of being open about why her cuckold is restricted.

I also shared with him the very real possibility that her boyfriend had actively encouraged her to deny him because she didn’t just diminish the intercourse, she replaced that intimacy with more cuddling, more handling of him, and active encouragement of his masturbation. This told me he has likely coached her to some degree and has gained her trust – even her submission – by proving himself correct in terms of how her husband would respond to it.

“He’s her waterfall…” he said, unprompted. I think he gets it.

Aside from the more open dialogue about the role denying him plays in the experience, I also wanted him prepared for other potential paths this might take.

Last But Not Least

As it turns out, his wife’s boyfriend is black. Sharing her had always been about sharing her interracially since they first began to fantasize about it together. She had dated interracially in college and once she had admitted that to her husband, it became an idea, images in his mind,  that he couldn’t let go of.

Coming Clean

With the revelation that their marriage had taken on an interracial commitment came the admission that her return to interracial sex had robbed him quite severely of the stamina he’d once enjoyed. As in the video below, it takes very little to trigger a spurt these days and that’s admittedly one reason she prefers having his penis in its new role where penetrating her is not the priority.

No matter what size her husband is, and even with comparable stamina levels, he still can’t provide her the contrast of an interracial, sexual commitment. And even if we take the racial contrast out of the equation, a waterfall is still something new and exciting when compared against the placid, comfortable river.

At a physical level it’s about the confirmation of his arousal not despite, but because she chose her bf over him. At the emotional level it’s about the sheer wickedness of having changed the role of her husband’s substantial penis within the marriage.


Expressing Control

I’ve mentioned before how this lifestyle is, at it’s core, an exploration of contrasts and race is certainly one that adds a layer of intensity and complexity on many of the existing aspects of contrast.

In the video to the right we see a husband very erect for his wife as she couples with her preferred cock. It’s not that her husband is small or otherwise inadequate, it’s simply a choice she has made now that she is empowered to do so.

Handling her erect cuckold while full of her boyfriend’s cock has a lot of layers to it.

His erection is unattended because he knows how little it will take to spurt observing their coupling in their marital bed. Many couples – or their bull – have a rule that if the cuckold spurts, he’s expected to then give his wife and her boyfriend their privacy.

Any bets that this wife prompted this spurt for that very reason?

Some may think that’s just mean, but above all it’s an expression of his support for her boyfriend’s cock taking his place inside her. To know that he’s that close on edge also shows there is a lot of experience and intimacy still between them – so this is a very positive thing for this couple.

I give them bonus points for his spurt being entirely ruined – it’s possible he remained erect for their coupling or returned to a fully erect state.

So What Happens Now?

Making room in the marriage for another male to have a sexual and often authoritative role in the marriage isn’t meant to be easy. In fact, the more challenging some aspects are as a contrast from how the relationship started or how society tells us to structure our relationships, the more rewarding this experience tends to get. One of the reasons being a hotwife/cuckold couple can be so rewarding is the amount of areas and the degree to which that contrast can be explored and experienced.

Promoted Again?

Based on some behavior observed to date, I told him it was likely that his wife’s relationship with her boyfriend was likely to take yet another evolution if his influence as a boyfriend becomes something the boyfriend – and his girlfriend – choose to actively explore. This last evolution is the most natural and rewarding expression of cuckolding and is one where the couple actively explore a submissive role against the boyfriend’s consciously dominant role.

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Managing Anxiety

Having some idea of what may come does seem like adding gasoline to the fire of anxiety but its value comes from the opportunity to talk about these things as a couple and as a throuple (three people, including a couple).

One Dom To Rule Them All

Ok, so I borrowed a bit from Tolkien, but the point is that it used to be about the husband supporting her empowerment – with his submission being less overt and very much indirect in terms of the bull and/or boyfriend, but under a Dom, that submission, deference, trust becomes more direct in some ways.

Trust, Authority, and Contrast

Public dating is an exercise of authority, trust, and commitment. And perhaps even more importantly, if a wife isn’t available to be his date, be his +1 to events, he will find someone else and that can lead to undermining the relationship.

She’s wearing her ring, but he doesn’t have one, her throat bears a choker – a fashionable representation of a collar, and her dress is only laced along the sides which leaves it public knowledge she’s nude beneath that dress for him.

This wife – with the support of her cuckold – are demonstrating serious commitment to this man – and it’s quite beautiful to witness.

What Dom wouldn’t be proud of such a well-trained pair?

This is a bit of an extreme example but meant to portray how this can and should be experienced together.

One might assume three people, three drinks, but I wager the wine is for her, but not the other two. Good training matters most when you can show it off someone. Could be his friend, or could be a sister of best friend of hers.

Enforced Control

Chastity exists without physical controls like a device; it’s the basic output of any forms of denial of intercourse but using a physical control to enforce the chastity adds additional layers of authority, submission, and contrast.

It’s a mistake to think of enforced chastity as punishment as many looking from the outside do. It can certainly be used that way, but I encourage couples to think of it first as a means to bringing them closer as a couple. Cut off from the temptation to rub himself, make himself spurt to the excitement of his wife’s sexuality with someone else, enforced chastity enables a cuckold to focus on her, on them.

It also saves all of that energy and desire to be shared with his wife in a way she and/or her man decide – and that creates intense intimacy.


Because of the way our society programs males to believe, as husbands, that their erections = sexual rights, I don’t feel a wife is truly empowered sexually unless she can have some level of control of her husband’s penis and orgasms.

For some couples, it’s less about the wife having control and more about the cuckold not having that control. In such cases, the bull/bf/dom will be the primary authority on how/when the cuckold’s penis is used.

Knowing this husband had researched cuckolding and knew chastity was often used with cuckolds, I asked him about it.

“Isn’t the job of my penis to be erect?”

I reassured him it was…and his wife’s behavior of encouraging his humping and having his erection in her hand shows she values that, so locking him up to prevent those erections would increase the value of them for both. I only encourage the cage when the cuckold is on his own and likely to masturbate or for ritual purposes like attending to his wife coupling with her bull.

Bulls who have not gotten their head around what a cuckold is.. or what makes them tick… often require chastity if the husband will be in the room with them – I think it’s some homophobia thing for some but a dom-minded male will do it for the contrast and authority it represents.

Positive Behaviors

This really does take the effort of everyone to make this what everyone needs.

A cuckold having a role in helping his wife prepare for a date should be part of the experience early on, but sometimes it takes some leadership to ensure this form of marital intimacy happens.

A boyfriend or Dom should have the cuckold in mind and show some consideration in being proactive about communicating with the cuckold and sharing a view of the date when the cuckold isn’t present.

This is easily a piece of non-explicit ‘erotic art’ that certainly implies something explicit while anonymous and could be framed and displayed in the bedroom.

The wife has her own role in this to help her cuckold manage his anxiety and feel fully included – even when he’s not there.

A selfie from her man’s bed only takes a few seconds but will have immense value for her cuckold.

She was dropped off from her date not long ago but she’s reaching back out to her boyfriend to show him how the date ended for her cuckold.

When it comes to the issue of the ‘creampie’ I prefer to point out the purpose of a husband’s tongue there isn’t for the creampie, but despite it.

Some cuckolds – or their wife – might feel an expectation of such duty following her coupling and that should be thought of as expressing and celebrating submission just for gently kissing and licking her where she’d been joined to him – whether insemination happened or not.


Among the suggestions given him not already expressed above were:

  • worry more about each other and less what anyone else thinks
    (no one really know anything unless you choose to tell them)
  • always consider the Golden Rule as deeper progression/commitment is considered
  • never underestimate the potential for to help other couples through their commitment

I may make updates to this depending on where things go and what you all should know that may help some of you on your own journey.