The Role Of Humiliation
Humiliation is part of cuckolding because it is a form of power exchange. In our culture it’s a submissive act to allow someone to humble you – especially for a male. I say humble because humiliation has this connotation of extreme acts when it’s simply a matter of deferring to another and nothing more.
- When one person does or says something which could result in the other being humbled, they are attempting to assert dominance over that person.
- When the other accepts that humbling, they are expressing submission – when they don’t conflict happens.
- The more humbling an experience, the more the roles of dominant and submissive are expressed.
- It’s not hurtful to humble someone when they are expecting it as an expression of asserting dominance on your behalf and an expression of submission on theirs.
There are really only two ways to (knowingly) share a wife as a husband: from a position of authority or from a position of non-authority. Couples not overtly one or the other are leaving a natural part of their relationship on the table, unexplored. Without someone in ‘control’ there will be chaos (or at least a lot of room for uncertainty). For some couples, one partner is clearly the dominant partner. In others, the couple has a very peered relationship, but each spouse has areas of the relationship/family that are mutually agreed ‘belong’ to them like finances or home repairs. Sex can be on of these areas where one spouse is seen as a leader and expected to bear more of the responsibility of sexual experiences and decisions. When a couple recognizes this for what it really is, they can assume roles open to much deeper exploration.
I’m bringing all this dominance/submission stuff up because whether people realize it or not, D/s is a part of our lives every day and always has been. When you were in school and you sized someone up and decided whether they were someone you might a) pick on b) be friends with or c) steer clear of, you were exercising an instinctive behavior of social ranking. Imagine a line. At one end we have submissive – at the other, dominant. We are all on that line somewhere, but where we are can shift depending on how we perceive (the social ranking of) those we interact with. We defer to those we recognize as ranking higher than ourselves and we assert ourselves with those we perceive as lower ranking socially. This behavior is who we are at an instinctive level. As we mature, we are told to repress this behavior in favor of what our society tells us is acceptable social behavior. This process of socially ranking each other continues to happen subconsciously at least for all of us. Those of us aware of this dynamic have more to work with.
The majority of us are more submissive than not. I say that because most people would rather follow than lead. The problem with this for males is it flies in the face of societal expectation. For women, it leaves them vulnerable to being taken advantage of and isn’t politically correct. This leads many who are natural submissives to live behind a facade of assertiveness. Some husbands will fight the idea they are anything less than the ‘alpha male’ simply because they can’t handle the conflict internally of not being the ‘alpha male’. This results in things like husbands who claim they are ‘dom cuckolds’ who want the experience of sharing their wives from a position of non-authority, but want to avoid anything that might challenge their ego as an alpha male. A truly alpha male would lead the sharing of his wife, establish the rules, make the introductions and be in charge of what does and doesn’t happen. A husband who puts all this responsibility on his wife (or just quietly gets out of the way) is a cuckold whether he admits it or not; he’s chosen to give up being responsible and a dominant is always the one most responsible.
The reason so many males are afraid to handle that ego conflict is the social stigma that a non-alpha male, or a beta, is somehow of less value than an alpha. This is simply and obviously not true.
- A husband who can come to terms with his true self and enable his wife to enjoy an alpha male in her life is the bigger man.
- There are far more betas than alphas. In fact, there are no alphas born – alphas are promoted to that ‘rank’ by being recognized by their peers as such.
- When a wife invites another man into her bed and inside her, she is, in a real sense, recognizing him as an alpha, if only temporarily.
When we overtly recognize these mechanisms we can leverage them and make them part of our conscious decisions, discussions and play. When we choose to ignore them, we turn a blind eye on the opportunity to know each other and ourselves more intimately and honestly.
Next: Conditionally His
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I have never really had a cuckold relationship. With my ex though, there was always a power struggle. She was rich, and through fantasy talk, along with her admitting all the men she had been with had much larger cocks.
I would go down on her for hours if need be to give her orgasms. (they came hard for her) when I was doing this, I would say things like I am going to bring home a guy who has a huge dick and let him use you, well that would put her over. When I started talking about BBC she LOVED it. So I arranged for one…11″ and thick.
he fucked her a long long time and she made animal sounds. It was awesome.
I had tried to get her to cuckold me, although I didn’t know that word at the time, I was not able to teach her how to do it properly. So really I was the dominant.
I would have her walk around in heels and panties and follow on my knees asking to eat her ass. she enjoyed it, but I was always the one to make it happen.
I know that being humiliated is exciting to me. I would have her say things to me while fucking like how I was not filling her up, or she wanted more BBC, all kinds of things like that. She was never comfortable saying those things, but I LOVED it.
I am in Houston, and I am looking for a woman now that can cuckold me. The only thing I can’t accept is deceit. She can keep a secret till of her amorous adventures, but as soon as she is through I would want to be informed. Preferably with pictures, and her wet thighs spread open with her heels dug into the bed.
before I realised what I was..we were out with friends one night in a pub..an ex fling of my wifes whom she hadn’t seen for ages spotted her and came over..he didn’t know who I was. He hugged her said he hadn’t seen her for ages..and kissed her right there. A real full on deep lasting kiss..my friends all looked at me..should I intervene? No…I didn’t..I just smiled and watched them..and yes instantly I had a raging erection. I was a cuck even before I knew it. I am cuckolded now by my wife..albeit no one knows. Because of family and work it would not be practical to be open about our relationship. However, I would love for her to be out with her lover in our town..seen canoodling and obviously together. We have done this outside our locale..me bringing in my wife and her sitting with him..strangers looking on puzzled…or knowing. But if my friends knew..it would be humiliation permanently.
I was humiliated when my wife put an empty toilet paper roll over my erect penis and the penis still had close to inch over my penis and my penis fit inside without any trouble.
As a cuckold I feel very much in touch with humiliation. And this happens via many different avenues. Just knowing about communication between my wife and another man (a lover or a potential lover) is humiliating. This feeling of humiliation, whether slight or intense, becomes a common denominator for our relationship. And I know that I should feel this way. I married her knowing about her lack of experience with men. I always felt quilt about this; especially since I knew that I could not satisfy her thru intercourse. It was me who mentioned cuckolding to my wife. I needed to make things up to her. Letting her use her femininity as she should be able to use it, is the right thing for me to do. And feeling humiliated over this is how I should feel. In the posts above we see I am not alone in accepting humiliation. One husband tells of seeing his spouse at a party talking to another man. And of the humiliation he feels seeing this. I totally understand what he is speaking of.
There are many ways that my wife can bring out my humiliation seeking side. Watching my wife getting dressed, to be with another guy, is humiliating indeed. Sometimes she will want me to help get her get ready; other times, she’ll prefer me to just watch her prepare. And other times, she’ll want me to see her prepare but then suddenly want me to do something; like, helping her put on a necklace. To me, simple things, like her getting ready, for another guy, is very special; it is humbling, humiliating; even hurtful (in a compelling way), and, erection producing. My wife has taken pleasure in the art of dressing for another guy, while I watch. She, many times, has strongly suggested that I not touch myself, as I watch her preparing herself for another man. And that I lie naked on the bed. And she is very articulate about it. While naked she will ask me which shoes I think he will like her in. She will try on different pair of shoes. She will draw me out, by asking how she looks in each pair; by asking me which shoes will be sexier to wear during intercourse with her lover. This alone is so humiliating. She will slowly go through, several steps. And my wife, will take notice when my erection begins. She wants to know the triggers, visual and verbal, for my erections. She will enjoy the humiliation which I clearly show in helping her decide which panties she should wear and which bra. She will try on different bras and different panties. This provides overwhelming feelings of humiliation. And she will comment on my erection, or the stage of my potential, but, partial erection; seeing this process, I always have at least a partial erection. By the time she is ready, I will be fully erect. She so likes when she tells me from the beginning (as I mentioned earlier), that I should not touch myself. Watching this process of preparation, causes me to feel, along with the humiliation, a sense of jealousy; and, a sense of envy for him, and, his better endowment and body. The last time she prepared herself for a lover, she told me to help her with the placement of her perfume. She told me to put it two places on her body where I want him to kiss her. Very humiliating. I was jealous of his kisses before they even happened. My wife realized that simple humiliation was very natural. Humiliation is a layer of cuckolding. For us anyway. Another dimension of power. Her power.
There are some great posts here, the honest and thoughtful account of how humiliation led to Victoria starting up with the better guy and Aileron’s above exploring cuck psyche above amongst them. I respect the fact that some cucks see the sexual arrangements as devoid of humiliation, as an adjunct to their relationship, an extension of pleasure, but in my experience, some form of humiliation is often at the centre of things and it may be what sustains the lifestyle longer term. It is what takes cuckolding out of the bedroom and into every other room, the way the couple live with each other. Whilst dictionary definitions don’t include that, sex is like language, it is live and it evolves. In a short definition there was never enough space to capture the psyche of cuckolding anyway. Cuckolding is about managed inequality, accenting this in ways that are sexually stimulating. The wife can fuck where she pleases and the husband waits patiently.
There are endless societal debates about the rightness, the naturalness or otherwise of competition and comparisons on the basis of ability and achievement. Society is wrapped up in this. We admire sports people and how they out compete others-they become heroes and heroines. We have universities to educate elites, to ensure that able people can use their skills to the full. We want our kids to go to ‘good schools’. But we need too a degree of niceness, of civility, that sustains a society as well. We tense back and forth, republican and democrat, labour and conservative, left and right, about capitalism and whether inequality (yes, its what they really mean by opportunity-assuming that resources are not infinite) sustains and develops a society.
No one welcomes unbridled capitalism, a ludicrous inequality that is undignified to humanity. But before we get within a hundred miles of such an extreme, there does seem a need to accept that people are unequal and that inequality is somehow sexy. Sex is a performance, an ability and a skill, some people are better lovers. Some have better bodies than others and yes, ugly as it seems, I think that the genetic drive of a society has fed on this. Women have learned to judge men and their potential-in all areas of life. Women have been taught the value of their companionship, their own bodies, their intellect, their beauty and been encouraged to use that in the mating game. Its then hard for old social conventions to sustain absolute monogamy. Elite women are tempted to go with elite men. The chances of this are heightened when these same women have great careers and big pay checks. The dynamics of relationships and families have changed.
Cuckold sexual arousal accommodates such change. It might even be an evolutionary means to protect it. He is aroused by seeing her with him. Its hard, jealousy inducing, but the erection is a saving grace. Appraising her suitor the husband slowly takes stock. He is better than me-in xyz ways. People have learned to evaluate themselves in this way, their relative appeal to others. As the beta male shares his arousal with his alpha wife, there is a chance for her to decide whether she will take the opportunity. I can expect and have more. I can sustain what i have, provided that I considerately train the beta male. The very fact that the husband has at last talked about this, signals a first submission to her will. It is a hell of a compliment. Its offered through an appraisal of the other male and his own worth. It is suggested on the back of an appraisal of the husband’s perceived standing against his wife’s. It is an act of devotion. We fall in love, admire personality, kindness and sensitivity, but its a different thing from appeal and appraisal. That can return as part of marriage later and couples have to handle that. The invitation, to consider other men (for a cuckold) is not a cheap request for voyeur sex. It is so often about humiliation and the need for that, as part of the relationship mix. Let’s sustain our unequal but highly desirable relationship-I will support your choices.
Hell, this is pretty heavy and already too long. But you get my drift. A happy cuck eventually, in my view, accepts that things ain’t equal, and that this somehow fuels his needs as well as offering his alpha wife new rights. Humiliation is then the means by which they negotiate and reinforce those rights. However uncomfortable it is at outset, humiliation becomes a reward, a need, for many cuck men.
I agree with what you’ve written in this post, but there’s one part of the humiliation aspect that perhaps could use a bit of exploration. Specifically, this part: “The reason so many males are afraid to handle that ego conflict is the social stigma that a non-alpha male, or a beta, is somehow of less value than an alpha. This is simply and obviously not true.”
No doubt some cuckolds want everyone involved to assess the Alpha and beta as equal value. Many other cucks, perhaps even most cucks assess the Alpha as a higher value male than the beta.
There are many facets of a cuckolding relationship that seem to work best when everyone involved recognizes, even enjoys the higher value of the Alpha over the beta. For example, a cuckolding relationship frequently involves the beta obeying the Alpha. Unlike a job, in a cuckolding relationship the beta gets no compensation for obeying the Alpha. The cuck obeys the Alpha because he wants to obey him, and a common reason the cuck wants to obey the Alpha is because it feels right, even pleasurable to obey the higher value male. For all but a tiny fraction of human evolutionary history, a beta male obeying an Alpha male wasn’t just fun and games; it was essential for beta male well-being. It’s for this reason I suspect recognizing the Alpha’s higher value and obeying him feels right and pleasurable for beta males. It’s deeply embedded into our genes.
Another aspect of cuckolding that seems to value the Alpha over the beta is the wife’s choice for real or symbolic reproductive sex. Frequently the wife gives the Alpha exclusive bareback access, while she relegates the cuck to vaginal sex only with a condom or denies her cuck vaginal access entirely. It’s hard to construe this in any way other than the wife valuing the Alpha more than the beta, at least in terms of the reproductive value of the Alpha male over the beta male, whether real or fantasy.
I am one of those who sees the act of a husband knowing his wife is having sex with other men as a form of humiliation even though he is in complete agreement with the activity and is excited by it. I say this because we live in a patriarchal society which deems it so.
We like to add some humiliation games in our play because it spices things up especially when it is unexpected but I have the highest respect for Michael and nothing we do as a cuckolding couple can change that.
Love this thread!
First post so bear with me if this goes a little awry!
I really appreciated this thoughtful article, because right from the start this seems the most intimate and needful of subjects. I am not an expert, nor am I extensively experienced, but I have determined a few things that I like to get straight when I start to date a wife. The first is that what distinguishes our lifestyle from swinging is some element of agreed inequality. I say to her, your life will change, you will still make up 100 together with your husband but you will have charge of 80-90 of that. If you are going to be in charge that much, if it is to be more than a game, then you have to feel that you have a right to such control. You need to consider yourself too good for him in some way. This too good angle takes different forms, too well bred, too sophisticated, more beautiful than him, better educated, healthier, younger, slimmer, raunchier-its different things for different couples perhaps. Its a bit shocking for her at first but that is how it seems and we sit, and have a drink, and we talk about women’s instinctive right to chose, and the excitement of putting a man down, humbling him through that choice. The more natural that becomes, explicitly choosing one over another, the hotter the sex seems to get for a woman. She slowly concedes (and this does take time) that she wants this as much as her husband needs it.
Now it seems as far as I can tell, that these are conversations worth investing in with a wife when we start dating. It seems good to play with the ideas, the ways in which the relationship could seem. Whatever others say, cock isn’t everything, the women that I have dated really do like the mind angle, thinking about what the fucking will mean. They like the fact that I don’t push the sex so quick, that they have time to confront their husband with what might seem the hottest things of all. We date a bit, she comes out on my arm, perhaps she sleeps over and we weave that which will humble him as well as arouse her. I listen hard, listen long and blend their needs as a couple into the way we date. ‘Will there be a day when you want me to order him around?’ ‘Do you make him beg for oral when you get home?’ It seems good to understand the psyche and what excites her, even though she is startled to feel such things.
So ventured point-good humbling starts early- and it gets woven into the lifestyle you propose. I want a wife to humble her husband, and she may well need that too. Its just important to get there gently at first.
I totally agree with the proposition that being a cuckold is fundamentally humiliating … and, whether we realize it or not, that’s one of the reasons we crave it.
Humiliation and the True Cuckold (My Experience)
Part 2
Here is Part 2:
My wife and I had sex, without intercourse, until Rob, and her, would be together……which would be in a few days (actually Saturday evening). We could not stop talking about Rob and how exciting it was that she and he would be having sex. I would get so turned on when she and he would talk by phone each night before Saturday. For a few minutes of their conversation, she would include me. Victoria wanted me to continue assuring him that I want this. And so I did. Along each step/event/conversation (before he was to arrive on Saturday) I would feel humilated. While Victoria would give me a handjob, we’d talk about Rob, and I would feel totally humiliated. The humilation assisted my penis. It was as hard as a rock. And somehow I knew that just seeing Rob’s cock would also be humiliating. I was feeling so very humble. I knew that Rob would easily see that he need not do much to humiliate me. And I was longing to feel humilated in front of Rob and my wife.
Humiliation and the True Cuckold (My Experience)
We are taught even as boys to keep our women from other men.
We are told to be strong. We are told to be confident.
We are taught to find a female for our own, and, that we must keep her.
Some of us fiqure out a way to keep our wife. For some it happens naturally.
But what came naturally to me….. was that I realized …..this would not be easy for me. I was able to attract females but I worried about keeping things going (after the start of a relationship). Like the dog who chases the pickup truck…. and…. catches up to it….now what? For me, the pickup truck is my wife. And, I came to know that she was not satisfied. So, I had this pretty wife and…now what?
One evining, my wife and I were at a social event. She looked so good. Guys were really looking at her. They liked…..my pickup truck. At the event, which took place in someone’s very large home, I became involved with a group of guys for over an hour. When I looked for my wife, she was speaking with a really good looking younger guy. They were seated on a sofa in a den of the home. There was another couple in that room, which was very large, and, they were seated away from my wife and her friend. When I saw my wife and this guy together (they had not noticed me), I became humiliated (yes over this). They looked as if they were having a deep conversation and they were seated very close together. I was also jealous. For a few minutes, unknown to them, I just observed from a distance. I was upset, however, I developed an erection. I left the room and went to the place where most everyone was. I talked to some people who I knew. I was asked where my wife was and I just said she’s around somewhere. I kept thinking of my wife and the guy she was with. My thoughts began to have a sexual tone to them. And my penis was responsive. Seeing couples together increased this awkward feeling……the feeling of humiliation and jealousy. I felt stupid that my wife was with another man, even if just talking. And I wondered who knew that she was with this other guy while I was walking around alone. I went back to the den. She and he was even closer now and their hands were situated like they were almost touching, or had been touching. I walked over to them. She looked at me in a surprised way. She had been taken off guard. My wife said, “Rob please say hi to Dan, my husband”. We shook hands. I could see that he really liked her; he was very attacted to my wife. I was worried that my erection was apparent. Especially, since it was now as hard as a rock. She had a glass of wine on the coffee table and he did as well. I sat in a chair near them. My wife told me that Rob had just finished college and that he was going to go into a business that his uncled owned. We spoke about his plans for about ten minutes. And then I left. I had become so excited seeing them on the sofa together, although, nothing had happened. I mingled some more. But, I kept thinking of she and he seated so close to one another, and, how they seemed to feel so attracted. For a moment I was upset, even angry; but, soon I was so excited. this became a cycle. I went back to the crime secene and they were laughing. I asked Rob if he were enjoying my wife. And he seemed to hesitate and then said “yes, sure, very much”. My erection became a piece of steel. My wife saw a strange dynamic in the air (she told me later). And, she said she was tired, and suggested that we leave. He told her that he enjoyed speaking with her. I could not believe what happened next. And it is something that I did. I suggested that they exchange email addresses and phone numbers. My wife became very nervous. He took out some paper from his pocket and tore off a blank section, and tore it in two pieces. Yes, they exchanged numbers and email addresses. They shook hands and then I shook hands with him. He told her that he’d be in touch. With this, I felt something was up. I saw that he was looking for my reaction, as he said this. And intuitively, I reacted. I said…”hey Rob, after that talking to her so much, I think Victoria deserves a kiss on the cheek. And then he kissed her on her cheek.
After we left, I seemed to be less excited about it. I made a few brash comments to my wife. I told her “I bet you can’t wait for his call”. And she asked why I provoked their exchange of email addresses and phone numbers if I were upset. But, I had no good answer. As we proceeded home, my wife touched my penis and felt my erection thru my pants. She asked me how long I had this erection for. I tried to make light of it. But my wife is smart. She knew something was happening. She asked me if I were upset witrh her and I said yes. And she asked if I were excited that she had been speaking with him. And I said yes. I was so very humiliated as we spoke. At home, in the bedroom, I watched her remove her clothing. She took her dress off. But as she took it off, I thought of Rob taking it off. I though of him kissing her body. Actually, since the time we were dating I thought about Victoria with being other guys. But I kept if from her. Victoria took her underwear off and got into bed. She would come to bed naked about a third of the time. And tonight was one of her nights to be naked. I was naked too, and, my dick had remained hard. We kissed deeply. We began making love. And then my wife asked what needed to be asked. “Did your dick first get excited and hard seeing me and Rob on the couch together?”. I said yes. She asked what it felt like. I opened up to Victoria and I told her how I have been thinking, ever since , the time of our dating, about her with another guy. And I told her that tonight I keep thinking about her and Rob having sex. She asked “is this something you really want?” And I told her yes. We had great sex that night, including intercourse. And the talk was so hot. Every little while I would feel humiliated. And jealous too. In the morning, we spoke more and made love again. I asked Victoria if she really climaxed, and, if she had climaxed last night. She explained that she actually climaxed in her vagina, and, then added that, when she thinks about, she and Rob, having sex she becomes wet and excited. Hearing this was in itself humiliating for me. As soon as she said this, my penis was sure to let her know that humiliation was something totally exciting. Over the next few nights, Victoria and I, over and over, spoke about Rob and her making love. Our sex life had energy once again. I was adamant that I wanted her to be with Rob. And she wanted it also. But, Victoria wanted to be sure that I really wanted it, and, that I would not be angry, at a, later point in time. She draw me out, she made me plead with her to have sex with him. Soon they were speaking by phone. I heard the first conversation. It was on speaker phone. She told him I was there and listening. And she told him “my husband wants you and I to be together, to have sex”. As she said this, I was in bed with her, and I was naked. As she said it, Victoria felt my penis, and it became like a rock. Rob said that he had heard that some husbands wanted this to happen. With that, I told Rob that I want him to make love to my wife. I was so humiliated. As I spoke with him, my wife was masturbating me. I asked if he were okay with me being with them. I felt so humiliated asking another man if I could watch him making love to my wife. And, this too made my penis remain hard and actally begin to leak. I liked speaking with Rob, I asked him if he had been thinking of having sex with her, when she and he, spoke at the party. And he admitted that this was in fact the case. A few nights later we spoke with him again. Victoria and Rob would be having sex that coming Saturday night. After we spoke again to her new lover, I attempted intercourse with my wife. But, she said that she need to have 2 days of no intercourse before being with Rob, but, that, she could still jerk me off and that I could suck her breasts and provide her oral. That so humiliated me. And so, as you can see, for us, even humiliation “without really trying” is helpful to us. It seems to me that humiliation; however slight, is part of a cuckold relationship.
And along with humiliation comes jealousy. With both, I see that a cuck must be accepting, and adjust to it. And that he needs to feel the pain it produces, and, to be able to feel joy from this. But most important, is that the cuckold’s wife is receiving the pleasure she requires. Without her pleasure, there is nothing for the cuckold. This is what I have come to care most about. My wife’s pleasure is the key.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma,_Lady_Hamilton
The definition has been skewed over the past 10 years or so? Perhaps you should read about Emma Hamilton Horatio Nelson cuckolding Sir William Hamilton? Not only was it the talk of the town, but it was the talk of the country and beyond. They had a movie made about the affair/relationship. They had a child together, in fact.
Bottom line. There are many aspects to cuckolding. There are many levels of involvement in cuckolding. Humiliation is but one aspect of it. It might or might be included. Humiliation is part of the power exchange that can and usually does happen in some form or another.
SWCouple – I have been cuckolded according to a definition that is several hundred years old, but not according to a more modern definition in use by some (including you). In its original form a cuckold was likely to be an object of some ridicule (as per the OED definition), but his wife’s antics were probably going on without his knowledge, thus any ridicule may have been behind his back. The desire for overt humiliation has crept into the ‘urban definition’ in use today.
I accept that there are men today who enjoy sexual humiliation as part of their cuckolding lifestyle – I am not one of them, but I don’t judge those who are. As for whether I have been cuckolded, we’ll have to agree to disagree. Perhaps the definition of cuckold is changing – the word ‘gay’ once meant something else completely; language is in a constant state of development.
I’ve stimulated debate, which is no bad thing, but I would be interested in the opinions of others.
great insight – loved the article – as someone who has been a cuckold for 9 years or so to an amazing hotwife i can say for me there is a very close tie to humiliation cuckolding and submission collectively.
I know it’s not your definition, I read your post. It’s a pity you didn’t comment on the ‘object of derision’ angle. By the OED definition (and I’ve yet to see a copy in a club) the definition of a cuckold is broader than that of a Hotwife so your assertion that hotwife covers all cuckolding couples is incorrect as some husbands are cuckolded unknowingly and unwillingly.
Cuckold in the sexual fetish scene has a slightly different meaning than in general usage. As always, language is contextual. Re your 10 year experience I’m glad you’ve enjoyed it but you haven’t been cuckolded.
Thank you for your detailed examination of the question I originally posed regarding whether humiliation was an integral element in cuckolding, as the bulk of cuckold-focused websites appear in recent years to be spreading that message as the ‘norm’. As a more authoritative source I direct you all to the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) which defines cuckolding as follows:
noun – the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision: jokes in literature about elderly cuckolds and misers are rife
verb – (of a man) make (another man) a cuckold by having a sexual relationship with his wife: in the novel Humberto cuckolds his employer. (of a man’s wife) make (her husband) a cuckold: he was repeatedly cuckolded by his wife Aphrodite.
The point I was trying to make is that many websites, this one included, have used much artistic licence to portray cuckolding as an activity which necessitates humiliation upon the husband. The OED mentions nothing of the sort.
Human sexuality is an extremely complex beast to make sense of; I have absolutely no comprehension why others would find sexual pleasure with persons of their own gender, children, animals, etc, but they clearly do. As human sexuality is incredibly multi-faceted, I think we should be cautious in stating things as facts when they are nothing more than opinions. Cuckolding is perfectly possible in a relationship where the partners see themselves as equal (even in the bedroom) and humiliation is not a turn-on at all. I speak as a man who lives such a life, and I know others who do so also. If humiliation is an important part of someone’s cuckolding experience then great, but for those that enjoy a humiliation angle, please do not be so arrogant as to assume that this must be so for all. If you have difficulty accepting an alternative point of view, then I think you need to be more open-minded.
Leaving aside the fact that few people could be an object of derision and not be humiliated there are a couple of points I’d like to raise.
First, your definition implies the male is an unwilling or unknowing party. The male in a cuckolding relationship as discussed here derives a great deal of sexual pleasure from being cuckolded, often initiated the whole process and is very much a willing and knowing participant.
Second, I’m not saying you haven’t got a right to do what you do and enjoy it. It just isn’t cuckolding. I can’t go out for a walk and claim to have been skiing just because I say that’s what I’ve done. There has to be an element of humiliation. Not a huge amount. It might not even be the main reason behind the cuckolding relationship. But if you don’t feel humiliated then you’re not cuckolding. Maybe she’s being a ‘hotwife’. A subtle but significant difference.
My gf has played a few times and I tried to explain why I didn’t feel properly cuckolded yet. I didn’t really know myself until I read the OP. It’s because, much as we enjoyed ourselves, I didn’t feel humiliated by the play. Maybe next time!
Hi SWCouple, and thank you for your input. That definition is not mine by the way, it’s from the Oxford English Dictionary. And that’s the whole point, the term ‘cuckold’ on websites dedicated to the modern fetish has skewed the definition by promoting at every opportunity the message that cuckolding must involve a humiliation angle for the male. That is just a part of the wider picture for couples that do this – I accept that humiliation is what some men seek but you must equally accept that not all of us seek the same.
I think the definition of a HotWife is ‘a married woman who has sex with other men with her husband’s approval’ – if so, that covers the wives of all cuckolding couples.
In approx. 10 years of being in this lifestyle I’ve yet to meet a guy who has wanted to openly humiliate me in front of my wife. They have all been genuinely nice guys, whose company we have enjoyed, albeit briefly. If any had tried to introduce humiliation we’d have laughed and walked away.
How anyone can say they can be cuckolded but not humiliated is beyond me. On Saturday night we were at a party and my gf had sex with a man whilst I watched. Later she went into a room with the same man but told me to wait outside. I chatted with people while I waited and of course they knew what was happening. I was forced to explain that she plays and I don’t.
Of course there are degrees of humiliation and just because you don’t go for the full on chastity panty wearing thing you can still do and enjoy humiliation. I fantasise about it a lot more than we do it and Jayne isn’t comfortable with it but I think that will change given time.
In several ways I am dominant. I have driven the process from the start and we’d never be doing this if it wasn’t for me. There may come a point where we are 50/50 but it will always be with my consent. You do feel sort of empowered when big black guys sidle up to you and start chatting and ask if they can fuck your gf (in not so many words). I always defer to Jayne but its usually a joint decision as to whether he’s suitable. So far we’ve always agreed.